“I’m so proud of you.”
Time passes, and as I watch the minutes merge and stretch into almost an hour of pure magnificence, her uncomplicated smile from only minutes ago starts to become rigid. It’s like shutting off a light. Slowly she is becoming more confused.
“It’s okay, Mom. Shh, come back to me. Please, Mom, it’s too soon. It hasn’t even been an hour, I’m not ready to say goodbye please…please."
It has been so long since the last time. I can’t lose her now…I just can’t, I fear that this time, once she is gone, she’ll never return.
As she slowly pulls away, it’s like a shadow is falling suddenly upon her.
“Has my daughter arrived yet?”
“Not yet, she should be here soon,” I whisper back.
“You should stay…meet her. You will love her as much as I love her.”
“I’m sure I will.”
I sit with her until the recollection leaves her eyes and what was once there, vanishes yet again. I would never take back those precious moments. They are everything to me. Hearing my mother tell me she loves me, and understanding the pain she has had to endure. This moment, this precise second, will live on forever in my heart.
I will forever be changed.
I will forever be grateful.
MY NEXT APPOINTMENT with Dr. Singer is in one hour, so I dress quickly and race out the door. I walk briskly to her office.
“You look well, how do you feel today?” I’m practically bouncing in my seat as she speaks. I shift my weight forward and place my hands on the glass coffee table sitting in front of me. My nails tap on the surface making a clicking noise as I answer her.
“I have to tell you, I feel good, I really do. I feel like a weight has been lifted off me. I feel like I had a black cloud around me for the last few years. I was so lost. One wrong turn I made, I’m not even sure where I went wrong, but since that moment… Ryder…I think I’m going to see where this whole thing with Alexandre might go. I feel strong enough now to not give up all of myself for him. I know I will not lose my identity, that I will not lose myself again,"
“I’m so proud of you right now, Ava. I have complete faith in you. Just take it one step at a time, don’t rush into anything, and you will be just fine.”
I OPEN MY EYES the following day to the light streaming in from my apartment window as I adjust to the brightness. Joy radiates around me. One piece of the puzzle is back. After weeks and months of soul searching, of endless discussions, I’ve done it. I’ve found a part of myself. I feel lighter, refreshed. I reach across the table and grab my phone, smiling to myself as I dial. The phone rings two times before Alexandre picks up.
“Hey.” There is a slight hesitation to his voice. Other than a few text messages, we haven’t spoken since the park.
“Hi.” My voice echoes through the hallway as I make my way into the kitchen. “Are you at work?”
“No not yet. Is everything okay?” His voice is laced with concern.
“I’m fine, I was just wondering if you’re busy in a half an hour? I’m at the apartment. Do you want to meet me?” My heart begins to race as I wait for his response.
“Yeah, of course. I’ll come right over.”
“Okay, umm, just umm…just have Raymond call up when you get there,” I stutter.
My stomach flutters in anticipation of what is to come. This will be the first time I’ve seen Alexandre in quite a while. I feel like it’s time. I wait at the apartment, and it takes just a little over half an hour for him to arrive.
As he walks through the door, I catch his familiar scent. He smells amazing. Like coffee and confection sugar. A heady combination that leaves my mouth salivating. My visceral reaction is to run into his arms, but I hold myself back, letting him approach. As he steps closer to me, he leans forward to gently place his lips on my cheek. The masculine curve of his unshaven jaw chafes lightly against my chin as he pulls away. His eyes lock on mine, a pleading stare begging me to give him a chance, to try again.
“Hey, how are you?” His words sound raw as he speaks them. They are laced with fear.
“Alexandre, I called you over because I was truly touched by your gesture. But we can’t just go back to the way things were.” His face looks crestfallen as I speak. “God I’m saying this all wrong. This is really hard for me. Okay, there are things we need to discuss—”
“I know. Oops sorry, go on.”
“I want to do that Alex, I’m ready to talk.” He nods his head, so I continue.
“When I first met you, well you know how I was. No dad and a mom that was always working. When I first met you, I thought I was getting a family. I quickly realized that wasn’t the case. I needed you to fight for me. I needed you to treat me like I was important, like I was your family.”