Two days later….
I SIT ACROSS FROM Dr. Singer. Sunlight peeks through the trees outside the window bathing the room in an iridescent glow. Her auburn highlights sparkle and illuminate as the light reflects off her. She moves her body ever so slightly, crossing one ankle behind the other, her fingers intertwined on her lap. She glances to the coffee table where her notebook sits, and leans forward to pick it up. She smiles up at me.
“So Ava, what has you so perplexed? You look so deep in thought.”
“Honestly,” I don’t wait for her to answer, “I’m trying to decide what to do in regards to Alexandre.”
“How so?” she asks quickly jotting down a note.
“He is being so attentive, so sweet…but I can’t help but think, I don’t know.
“That he hasn’t really changed? That this is an act?”
“Yeah. Plus, didn’t you say people don’t change?”
“He is not Ryder, Ava. If you think back to who you fell in love with, maybe he really hasn’t changed, maybe his true self was hiding for some time.”
“I know. I am just having a hard time reconciling the two versions of him. Before, well before he never showed me this much love, now…”
She puts the book down and leans in, her eyes locking on mine, pulling me in.
“You need to learn to give him a little slack. Someone raised by someone who shows no emotion is taught to do the same. Alexandre wasn’t able to fight for you before because he didn’t realize what there was to lose. Understand that together you drifted apart, but only together can you find your way back. People don't grow in small steps. One takes a giant step and the other isn't aware to keep up. Now that you are aware, you can fix this. Understand that you are human. You needed something you didn’t get from Alexandre at the time. You needed to feel wanted, and the relationship you had with Ryder gave you that. It was like an adrenaline rush. The excitement of getting away with it almost has the same intensity as drugs. Now that you know this, you can fix the part of you that needs that feeling. This was never about Ryder, hell it was never about Alexandre, this was about you, Ava. It was always about you.”
“I hate to bring this up, because really it shouldn’t be relevant. But what do I do about Lenore? How do I handle that? I’m scared that this will always be an issue between us.”
“Ava people don’t change. It’s how you interact that does. She will never change, but how you perceive her will. It’s how you let it affect you. You can’t control people, but you can control yourself. You need to discover the power of positive thinking. You need to find acceptance,” Dr. Singer says. “No one will ever fill what’s missing inside of you. Be strong; conquer your own thoughts. That is your first step.”
“I’m going to stop crying, that’s my first step.” I laugh.
“Live in the present, take each moment one step at a time. That is the only way for you to find happiness. Live in the now. Believe there is a reason for everything and most of all…trust. Trust that you can handle all the challenges that life gives you.”
Since starting therapy I’ve learned that positive thinking is imperative to a healthy and happy life. Today’s conversation just reinforces the months of lessons I’ve already learned. Crying is not a weakness; it’s a cathartic release. But once you get it out, it’s time to be strong and live in the present and look toward the future. Take each day one day at a time. Start each morning in the now.
Two days later…
I FIND HER SITTING facing the window, as per her usual spot.
“Hi, Mom.” I take the seat next to her. Her eyes are vacant; they look right through me. “I know you don’t really understand me sometimes, but I just need you, and I just need to talk. God, I don’t even make any sense right now. Where do I even begin? I had a nightmare last night. I know. How silly having nightmares at my age. There was a lion. His piercing eyes looked like they would devour me. He was standing right in front of me, blocking the entrance to where I needed to go. I’ve never been so scared in my life mom. Fear overcame me, and I turned to run away, and I woke up. I’m so fucked up right now, Mom. I was petrified. Still, when I close my eyes, the nightmare is there. It still gets in and haunts me. You used to be so good with dreams; I wish you were here. I wish you could help me.” My words crack with emotion.
“I started seeing someone. I don’t think I mentioned that in the last few visits. Her name is Dr. Singer. She’s really wonderful. She says all of this stems from my childhood, I don’t know. I guess it makes sense, right? God, I’m rambling. Want to hear something funny? She wants me to write a book. I know right, it’s kind of crazy. She thinks it will be cathartic…she says I should purge my soul.” I stop speaking and stare up at the ceiling. I notice the crack has been mended, if only it were that easy.