“Sounds good, so tomorrow?”
“Yes, tomorrow. Can you be here at 9 am?”
“That works.” I smile at her as I get up from the comforts of the couch. I make my way outside and before leaving I turn to her and smile. The closer I get to the door, the more I feel my chest constricting. My breathing accelerates, and a panic attack starts to rise.
“Thank you again for seeing me,” my voice is weak, I’m starting to drown again.
She speaks to me, and her voice is soft and soothing “You will be fine, Ava.” Her voice is like a balm. She makes me believe anything is possible.
As I walk away, down the quiet street closer to Park Avenue, I collect my thoughts. The mid-morning sun peeks out from under the tree coverage that lines the street. I imagine how different my life would be if I had gone a different direction. I think about everything the doctor had addressed in regards to my feelings towards my mom. I realize this was a long time coming. I breathe in, willing myself not to cry again. The walk back home is long, and I allow myself to become enthralled and distracted by the hustle and bustle of the city, of my city, of the only place that forever will be the salve to my soul.
My phone rings in my pocket, and I reach for it. Alexandre. Sighing deeply, I hit the screen.
“Hi, Alex.”
“How are you?” His voice is soft.
“I’m okay,” I say faintly, the sadness from hearing the pain in his voice seeping into my veins.
“You sound so sad, I just…God what I would do to hear you laugh again, Ava.” He pauses and the phone crackles as he moves it. I can hear his breathing through the earpiece. “I want to see you,” he whispers.
“I’m so sorry, Alex, I’m just not ready yet. I just can’t right now. God, honestly I’m just not strong enough yet. But hopefully I will be soon.” I can hear his ragged breathing as I apologize again. His pain is killing me. “I’m sorry, Alex. Listen, I hate to do this, but I’ve to go. I’m not saying goodbye okay? I just need some time.”
Alexandre will just have to understand.
This time it’s about me.
THE DAY PASSES. It’s now Thursday morning, and I rise early for my appointment. What a difference a few days makes. The sun shines brightly as I walk to Dr. Singer’s office. It dances with promise of a new beginning, of starting over. The morning dew is sparkling off the leaves that line the brownstones. A feeling of rebirth is in the air. It makes me feel light and hopeful. Within a minute, I find myself sitting on the familiar couch; a full day has passed since I first got here. Two since I woke up in the hospital. A lifetime since I felt complete.
“Sometimes I wonder how I became this weak? How did I let him infiltrate my mind like this?”
“You aren't weak, Ava." Her voice is gentle as she speaks to me.
“He is a predator; he saw your weakness and played on your fears.”
And there is that word again. I knew it, but having her confirm it is like a knife turning in my gut.
“I just don't understand, I don't understand how he did this to me.”
“It’s called intermittent schedule of reinforcement, Ava. It’s the hardest behavior to extinguish.” As she speaks, my confusion is evident on my face. “Imagine it’s like a slot machine. It gives a little, then nothing, then a little again. It gives you just enough to lock you in the game, to train you to know that at some point there will be a payout. If it didn’t, no one would come back. That’s what Ryder did, he gave you just enough to keep you in limbo waiting for the big jackpot.”
I sit back and think of every comment he ever made. Every interaction we ever had, piecing the puzzle together piece by piece. How easy I fell, how easy I broke. Every single calculated move becomes apparent to me. It hits me like a ton of bricks.
“I can't believe this.” I shake my head back and forth. I try to brush off the painful reality that is setting in. I was nothing more than a game. He really was my downfall. This really was a sick game. “I felt like I was stuck, like I had no choice. I still feel stuck. What do I do now?”
“You will always feel stuck until you fix the underlying problem.”
“Okay, so what does that mean, how do I fix it?”
“Ava we know where this stems from. We discussed this the other day. It’s all connected. All of it.” She looks back at her notes then smiles at me.
“You fear imperfection, of not being good enough. You viewed your parent’s absence as a reflection of you. That you were not good enough, so now you seek approval…you need approval. You gravitate to relationships based on this need. Alexandre was probably not the first, just the first that you remember. You then chose Ryder, a man who was indifferent. Again, striving. Your relationship with him was the most toxic, but the problem is, it was the most alive you felt. He fed into your need to receive approval. He studied you, found your weakness, and preyed on you.