“I have to go Jules. I need to rest.”
“I love you, Ava.”
“I love you, too. I thank God everyday that I have you in my life.”
After saying goodbye, my limp body finds its way to my apartment. I walk in and crawl onto the couch in my living room, curling into the fetal position. My phone chimes in my hand. I swipe the screen and find a new message from Alexandre. I press the play button.
“Hey, it’s me,” his voice cracks in the message, “I just, well I just wanted to check on you. Make sure you were okay…umm well okay…I guess…call me…please.” His voice breaks me apart. My body is too frail to move, so I lay here, and I cry myself to sleep.
THE NEXT DAY I find myself standing on the corner of 35th between Park and Lexington. The street is quiet, nestled in the heart of Murray Hill. The morning sunrise was awe inspiring on the walk here. Electric colors currently dance in the sky as I stand at the crossroads of my life. The decision to endure is evident to me, as I hold the card with the address that will help me find my salvation. My resolve is set.
I will move forward, one step at a time.
I will learn to walk again.
I will take a hold of my life.
I will embark on a new path.
I will set the direction of the path I will take. Only me.
It’s hard to admit, but now I understand that Ryder was just the catalyst to my breakdown. It was a long time coming. Years of emotional abuse and indifference broke down my barriers, and I was left wide open for a predator to have me as his perfect victim. Until I can make peace with my past, I will never have a hope for the future.
I will start my journey today.
Where it will take me, I’m not sure. I’m a work in progress, an unfinished masterpiece. It’s time to attempt to complete it. The first step is walking in through this door.
As I enter the room, the smell of fresh baked cookies wafts through the air. To the right of the entrance is the parlor room. I glance through the archway to my right. Light trickles into the space from the bay window that faces 35th. I had expected a sterile environment, but what welcomed me was one of the most gorgeous rooms I have ever seen. The room is painted a creamy white and dimly lit to evoke a calming effect. Beige suede couches sit in front of a giant, limestone fireplace.
My ballet flats slightly tap on the hardwood floors as I enter. I stop directly in the center of the room, taking in the view, lost in my daydream.
“Hello Ava, I’m Dr. Singer. I’m so glad you decided to come to me for treatment.”
Turning toward the voice, I’m greeted by a tiny petite woman. Her hair is cut in a stylish bob. She smiles at me reassuringly as she walks past me and places a plate of fresh baked cookies on the coffee table. She then turns to me and holds out her tiny hand to shake mine. My lips turn up weakly at her as our hands meet with a shake.
“Please take a seat Ava, would you like a cookie? Freshly baked,” She chimes in warmly.
“Do you always bake cookies for your appointments?” I inquire.
“Oh Lord no, just for the first session,” she laughs.
“Try to lure me in with a sense of false safety?” I eye her cautiously.
“I find people are nervous the first time, cookies lighten the mood.”
“That’s smart, okay I’ll have one,” I say as I nestle myself in the couch in front of the cookies. Reaching my hand out, I grab one and take a tiny bite. Pure decadence fills my mouth. The chocolate morsels melt on my tongue in the most delicious combination of salty and savory. As I continue to eat my cookie, Dr. Singer speaks.
“I won’t lie to you, this will be difficult, it will be intense, but together we’ll get you through this.” Her eyes are kind; they are weathered with age but show their wisdom.
“So now what? Where do we start?” I ask her, my mouth now empty. I already miss the comfort of the cookie.
“We can start with you telling me about your childhood, Ava.”
“What’s there to tell? My parents got divorced; my dad left when I was sixteen.”
“There must be more than that?” she inquires.
“What do you want to know? Do you want to know that my mom worked all the time. That my dad was gone? That I was alone?” My answer comes out edgier than I hoped. Anger is evident in my voice.
“For starters, yes. That is exactly what I want to know, Ava. This all started somewhere. We can talk about the immediate and fix that, but really that’s just putting a Band-Aid on a big gaping hole. We need to find the root of the problem and focus there.”
“Okay,” my voice softens a bit because I understand where she is coming from. I know that we have to start at the beginning, but thinking about my parents instantly puts me on edge. But she is right, so I nod my head in agreement.