“Wow, Ava, I’m so sorry, I’m really worried about you. This whole thing with Alexandre, and then, well, don’t even get me started on Ryder. I have a bad feeling about this; there is something not right with him, a piece is missing. He will break you.”
“I’m already broken.” My voice is weak, shattered.
“Yes and so is he. He is broken, Ava, you know this right?”
“Yeah.” Sorrow rims my voice.
“Ava, two broken people will never make one whole."
“He makes me feel alive.”
“But what about your sanity?”
“Jules, I would rather feel alive. I want to be someone’s reason for breathing”
“But at what price?”
“Listen I’m tired, I’m going to nap.” I’m defeated.
“Its 9 am, you probably just woke up.”
“That was my nice way of saying that I don’t want to talk anymore.”
“Since when are you ever polite to me? Please Av, I don’t want nice, I just want you.”
“I know, and I’ll get there.”
“Love you, babe.”
“Love you, too.”
I know what Jules says is true. I realize I’m setting myself up for failure. I just can’t find it in me to care. Even though I’ve slept approximately nine hours last night and have just woken up, my emotions are wreaking havoc on me. My eyelids start to droop, and I slip back into the black abyss.
Hours pass, the depression festers in my soul. It has robbed me of all my strength. I don’t do a thing all day. I don’t work, I don’t eat, I just sleep. I sleep until I literally can’t sleep anymore. I eventually get up and make coffee. With Alexandre back in town, I know my chances of seeing Ryder are limited. As I wait for the coffee to brew, I type a message.
Me: I miss u more than u know, I was lost from our first almost kiss.
The sweet aroma fills the room, and I look over to the Keurig machine. Lifting the cup to my mouth, I realize that I’m so exhausted. I don’t even wait to add the cream and sugar, instead, drinking it black. I just need the caffeine to give me a jolt of energy and quick. I walk over to the kitchen island and take a seat at the counter stool. As I sit there, I hear the front door open, and Alexandre walks in. Wow, is it already 5 pm? Where the hell did the day go? I look over to the clock on the wall, 4:00 pm. Okay, why is he home already?
As he walks into the room, he looks me up and down. “Wow Ava, it’s 4 pm, why are you still in your pajamas?”
If I could shoot daggers out of my eyes, I would.
“Why are you even home?” I spit out to his rude remark.
“Glad to see you’re excited to see me.” His sarcasm is evident.
“No really, why are you here so early?”
“I had a meeting, and it ended early, so I came straight home.”
“With Natasha?” I cringe at my own voice. It sounds petty and juvenile.
“As a matter of fact, yes.” At that same minute, my phone pings. I notice the name across the upper part of my cell. I look up at Alexandre.
“You might as well answer him. I’ve already seen your texts, no need for false pretenses." My heart stops. He knows. He fucking knows. I try to think back to what he could have seen, but it really doesn’t matter. He knows.
“What texts?”
“Don't be coy.” Disdain filling every syllable.
“What are you talking about?”
“Really?” The look he gives me tells me not to pretend. He has indeed read them.
“How?”
“Did you really think your code was a secret?”
“So you read them, and you say nothing?” I stare at him with disbelief. He knew, and yet he still never fought for me. He doesn’t speak, so I continue. “Well since you don’t acknowledge my existence, why do you care to look?" He doesn’t answer, just sits pensive, quiet.
He finally speaks. “I’d been wondering for a while.” It’s a statement not a question.
“Excuse me?” I ask.
“If you were being unfaithful.”
“I’ve never cheated on you.”
“Semantics.”
“You know what? Fuck you. What the hell did you think was going to happen? You think you could ignore me, and I wouldn’t find someone else to pay attention to me? What about you and Natasha?”
“That’s different. Nat and I are just friends.”
“Liar. You. Are. A. Liar. I see the way you look at her, I see how she looks back. You go for late dinners. What the fuck are you doing with her? Just friends, my ass!”
He stares at me.
“You’re wrong, you are so wrong, Ava. You’re trying to turn this around on me. You’re the one who cheated!” He screams, his body shaking with the echo of his voice. “Ever since you started this blog of yours…You. Are. Never. Here.”