I feel nothing…
I am nothing…
I need to escape from this cage I’m in.
Like a torrential storm, the tears pour out of me. Sobs rack my body. I pull out my phone and hold it close, just in case.
MY EYES ARE swollen shut from the tremendous amount of tears I shed last night. My cell phone is still in my hand. I had fallen asleep holding it waiting. Waiting for a response. Waiting for any comfort I could get, but there is none to be had.
I grab my computer from next to the bed, and with all the strength I can muster, I pull it onto my lap.
Ava Readsalot: I feel like you don't want me. Did I do something?
Ryder Matthews: I’m busy. I do have a life besides you.
I stare at the computer, even without hearing his words, I know they are laced with annoyance.
Ava Readsalot: Sorry, I know you do.
Ryder Matthews: It’s ok beautiful.
He’s giving me whiplash. It’s like he knows how to give me just enough to keep me stuck.
Ava Readsalot: How is your book coming?
Ryder Matthews: Horrible!
Ava Readsalot: Oh no!
Ava Readsalot: Anything I can do to help?
Ryder Matthews: You already do.
Ava Readsalot: I don’t do anything.
Ryder Matthews: You do more than you know, trust me.
Ava Readsalot: What do you mean?
Ryder Matthews: One day I’ll tell you ;-)
My phone vibrates beside me in the bed, the sound of buzzing reminding me it’s buried somewhere under my pillow by now. It’s Jules.
“So, you never called me back, what happened?”
“What do you mean?” I know it was just yesterday, but I’ve no idea what she is talking about.
“Oh my God, really Ava?” I can hear her chuckle through the phone.
“Seriously Jules, a lifetime has happened since I last spoke to you.”
“So, I only have a few minutes for break, how long does it take to tell a lifetime story?”
“Well I asked Ryder, he didn’t answer me. Instead he threatened to end things. I umm, might have, well okay, so I kind of begged him not to.”
“What?”
“Yeah, so we made up, and then I texted him, and he ignored me, but was playing online all night. I swear he is flirting with that blond blogger from Cali. Then Alexandre came home, we got into a huge fight, I wandered the streets aimlessly, then to make a long story short—”
“Too late.”
“HA HA, Jules. You are so funny. Okay, then I signed in this morning. I might have called Ryder out on that, then he threatened to end things.”
“Hold up, I’m so fucking confused.” Of course she is. How could she not be? I still have no idea what is going on. “Let’s start from the beginning.”
“Okay.” I’ve no desire to get into this.
“So you asked Ryder about the pics, and he denied doing it, and you asked him point blank if he sent one to your friend Abby?”
“Well not exactly,” I mumble back.
“What do you mean not exactly?”
“Hmm. I asked him about other girls and he threatened to end things, so I kind of dropped it.”
“He threaten to end it and you dropped it? What a prick, Ava.”
“He’s not a prick, he’s just moody sometimes.”
“Oh God. So after he acted like a fucking tool and you let him lie to your face, what did you do?”
“Nothing.”
“Oh my God, please don’t tell me after the prick was an asshole to you, you did not get all lovey-dovey with him?”
“Okay fine, I won’t,” I snap back.
“Ava…he systematically breaks you down. You do see this right? Open your eyes, even from here I can see they are shut.” This is what he does… but I can’t stop myself. I’m incapable of it.
There's a moment in which you realize you will take anything he is offering even if you deserve more. It is the same moment that you realize you are broken.
"Just because my eyes are closed, doesn’t mean I can’t see.”
“Ava, your eyes are not just closed, they are glued shut, and you don’t see shit. God, you really can’t help people who won’t help themselves,” she mumbles under her breath.
“What did you say?” I know what she had said.
“Nothing. Okay moving on. So Alexandre gets home, then what?”
“God, I just don’t have the strength to go there right now.”
“Wow, that bad?” she asks. I’m so not in the mood to get into this right now.
“Let’s just say, his business trip, yeah…that included Natasha.”
“Shut up, wow, how is he still alive right now?” Good question, Jules…Because I would be a giant hypocrite if I killed him.
“Cause honestly, I can’t find the strength to care.”