Why isn't he texting me? I imagine the possibilities for his avoidance. Maybe our dinner wasn’t as fun for him as I thought. Maybe he’s upset with me for kissing him when he obviously didn’t want me to. Maybe something happened to him. Maybe he’s been abducted by aliens?
I make a decision to stay strong and not send him a PM or text, or a message in a bottle. Instead, I sit on my couch, phone in hand, and micro-manage his every movement on Facebook. It’s official. I’m insane.
My Facebook screen updates, and there it is under new stories. He has posted a comment. FUCK. Why isn’t he talking to me?
Me: OMG!!! I’M SO FAR GONE. I think I need to be checked in to a looney bin.
Jules: Oh geez…what did you do now?
Me: Nothing……I’m totally crazy!
Jules: NO JUDGEMENT…TELL ME!
Me: Ok I might be stalking him…Why are you friends with me? I need serious help.
Jules: Oh, Ava, We wouldn't get along like this if we didn't have our own set of crazy.
I busted out laughing….Ain’t that the truth.
I look at Alexandre from across the room. I’m repulsed, disgusted. Disdain fills me. I can barely stand to be in the same room as him. I imagine what it would be like to kiss Ryder again. To feel his hands caress my neck with passion. To feel his mouth as he devours me. As I’m sucked deeper into my fantasy, I’m ripped out by Alexandre’s voice saying God dammit in the distance.
Jules: Seriously though, where’s Alexandre during all this stalking?
Me: Here, but Lord knows what he's doing. He’s pacing around the apartment like a crazy man. He’s pissed about something.
As if on cue, Alexandre yells from the other room, “Ava!”
Me: BRB, crazy man calls.
I jump off the couch and head toward Alexandre’s voice. I find him pacing the kitchen. He can almost scuff the wood with his movements. His hands are running through his short brown hair, which is now a disheveled mess.
“What’s up?”
He doesn’t answer, just continues to pace.
“You’re kind of scaring me,” my heart starts to race uncontrollably. I wonder if I had left my computer open. I wonder if someone has seen me. I feel like my chest is going to explode as he doesn’t say anything. His hand fists, and he presses it into his mouth. A silent scream.
“What the fuck is going on?”
“My dad.” He huffs.
“What about your dad?”
“It’s a long story, I don’t have time to tell it.” Of course he doesn’t.
“Okay. Whatever, obviously, why would you tell your wife anything?”
“You know what? I can’t take this shit from you today, I’m dealing with enough fucking bullshit at work.” He pauses and places his hand on his forehead. “I’m going out of town tonight. I’ll be back Monday or Tuesday depending on how this deal goes through.”
“Oh. I just—”
“Honestly Ava. Please don’t, I’m stressed enough without having to think about fighting with you.” His voice is soft, remorseful, and I see a glimmer of the Alexandre I used to know, that I used to love. He looks sad, and a part of me wants to take his pain away, but I feel so far gone, I just don’t know how anymore. Alexandre has never been one to talk openly about business. I know it’s hard on him to be under the thumb of his father. I used to try to help him, but he doesn’t like to discuss it. He used to say it wasn’t to burden me, but like everything in life he chooses to sweep it under the “rug” instead.
“I’ve got to head to the airport, I’ll call you later, okay?”
“Yeah, sure okay. Have a safe flight, Alex.” I walk up to him and give him an awkward kiss on the cheek. I scurry out of the kitchen as fast as humanly possible.
What the heck was that about?
NOW SITTING ALONE in my apartment, I can’t help myself. I couldn’t stop myself even if I wanted to. I send Ryder a message.
Ava Readsalot: I haven’t spoken to you all day, are you okay?
God, he renders me useless. I don’t even know what to do as I wait. I start to pace aimlessly around the apartment. Holding my phone in my hand, I turn on the light. I look for my Kindle. Okay I look for my Kindle to keep up the pretense that I’m searching for something. What I’m searching for is Ryder, and I realistically can’t fool myself.
I see that the message has been delivered. I even see that he read the message. Seen at 4:05 pm. Ryder is just choosing not to respond. I'm crawling out of my skin, why won't he answer?
I can’t take it anymore. I give in to myself and send another message. I think of something he has to respond to. Something that leaves him no choice.