This beautiful man is my curse.
He is my weakness.
By the time I make my way home, it’s almost 9:30 pm. Alexandre is not there, and I’m not sure where he is. I undress and jump in the shower. The mascara runs down the side of my face as I wash away my evening. The confusion is not as easy to wash away. I think of his words, “You intoxicate me.” His voice is sweet like honey. I can’t believe I’m doing this. I can’t believe I was out with a man who is not my husband. Am I really considering doing this? Being with a different man? I look over to Alexandre’s empty side of the bed, I start to wonder where he is. I don’t even care. It doesn’t even matter anymore…All I can think about is Ryder. There is something about him. His voice. The way he looks at me. He really sees me. It’s enchanting; it’s as if a spell is cast over me. I no longer just think of him when I let my thoughts drift. I now think of him all the time.
THE NEXT DAY arrives in the blink of an eye.
I’m surprised to realize I have no regrets about last night. Not that anything regretful happened. Ryder was a perfect gentleman, and when he walked me to the cab, I placed a gentle kiss on his cheek before saying goodnight.
You intoxicate me…
It’s Sunday morning and typically Alexandre and I have a standing plan to run errands together. The last few weeks we haven’t gone, each busy with our own lives. I think back to the last time we ran errands in Soho then went to Balthazar for lunch. It must have been over a month ago…
The waitress slowly pours water from a glass carafe. She steps away from the table as I sit motionless waiting for him to take notice of me. Looking up, he smiles once and then his eyes drift off.
He gazes around the room, his head angling toward the door, watching as people enter. Turning back, we lock eyes, and it placates me, but then his eyes leave mine and
his vision connects with the water goblet in front of him. Staring into an abyss.
My shoulders slump forward, and I cast my eyes downward toward the table. No longer connected, I get lost in the empty space in front of me. At times like this I wonder what he thinks about when he is quiet.
It’s unnerving.
Is he judging me?
Is he happy with me?
Sometimes I just need reassurance…
Instead I feel alone.
After remembering that day…the last thing I want do today is spend time with my husband, but I probably should.
“Alex, you need to wake up.”
“Hmm,” he mumbles from beneath his pillow.
“Wake up, Alex.” He doesn’t stir as I continue to stare at him. “Fine, I’m going to make coffee.”
When I come back, I find Alexandre sitting on the bed playing with his phone.
“Alex we have plans today, remember?”
He doesn’t respond.
“My biggest pet peeve is when I speak and you say nothing.” Normally I wouldn’t confront him, but my evening with Ryder has given me a new resolve. “Your silence infuriates me.”
Nothing.
"Fucking speak, Alexandre.”
He looks up and stares at my blankly. "Do you even hear the way you speak to me?" he finally responds.
"Pot meet kettle, I don't even know why we do this.” I place my hands on my hips. “Maybe we should see someone, Alex. Maybe we should see a therapist.”
“You’re being ridiculous. I’m not going to air our dirty laundry to someone, let alone a complete stranger. This is just a rough patch.”
“A rough patch? I feel like I’m drowning. I feel like I don’t know you. You know what? Forget it. You stay here. Don’t come with me today. I’m going to just do my own thing. ”
Turning on my heels, I stride into the bathroom, plopping down onto the vanity chair situated in front of the mirror. Like an addict seeking another hit, I open my messenger app.
Ava Readsalot: I had such an amazing time last night.
Ryder Matthews: Me too.
Ava Readsalot: I actually can’t stop thinking about you.
Ryder Matthews: Well, I can’t stop thinking of you, either.
Butterflies take flight in my stomach.
Ava Readsalot: What are you doing today?
Ryder Matthews: Working on my new book.
Ava Readsalot: Anything interesting?
Ryder Matthews: The character is a beautiful brunette who is simply indefectible.
Ava Readsalot: Really?
Ryder Matthews: No, actually she is a tall blond, really leggy.
Ava Readsalot: Oh.
I feel dejected and wonder if this rumor about him and his PA is true. Just as I’m about to sign off and let sleeping dogs lie, another message comes through.
Ryder Matthews: LMAO, nope, brunette.
I instantly feel better. It’s as if someone is choking me and has finally let go.