That I understood her need for revenge didn't make it any easier to deal with him still walking around with that smug look on his face whenever I saw him. But I didn't want to make her think I doubted her, so as much as I wanted to put an end to all of it with Oliver, I said nothing and pulled her to me.
"It won't be for long. He'll get what he deserves and that will be that. My father might even figure out it was him and do it for us," she said against my chest.
Every day, I secretly prayed Robert would give me the order to take care of that fuck, but every day came and went and he never said a thing about whether he knew who had attacked Serena or not. And every day, Oliver continued to exist in the same world our child didn't.
Tilting her head, Serena looked up at me and smiled that gentle smile I loved. "I love you. Please don't forget that, okay?"
I pressed my lips to her forehead and whispered against her soft skin, "I could never forget. It's the only thing that gets me through most days. That and the dream of us getting away from here."
"We're going to be okay. I believe that, Ryder."
Closing my eyes, I tried to believe that too. I wanted to. I did. But sometimes when I sat alone thinking about her just a few doors away in that apartment with him, I wondered if we'd ever find that happiness we'd promised one another.
Serena backed away from me even as she held my hand. "I better get back in there. I'm sure my father is wondering where we are."
"I'm sure Janelle is keeping him busy. She's in rare form tonight. When we were dancing, she told me we could have gotten together one night right after you left for Italy, but she said I was too busy being lost without you."
"I'm surprised," Serena said with a chuckle. "I thought she didn't like you. It never occurred to me that she might make a move on you while I was gone."
"Me neither. She's convinced she knows that I'm in love with you, but she isn't sure if you feel the same."
Serena brought my hand to her lips and kissed it. "As long as you know how I feel, that's all that matters. I'll come to your place if I can tonight. If not, I promise I'll come as soon as I can, okay? I better get back now."
As much as I wanted to wrap her in my arms and make her stay, I knew she had to leave or risk us being found out. I watched her walk away from me like always and hated it, even though I knew it had to be this way.
At least for a little while longer.
Chapter Five
Ryder
The darkness of my apartment swallowed me up, just as I'd hoped it would when I began drinking an hour earlier after it became obvious tonight would be another night without Serena. After spending an entire week driving her to and from the soup kitchen on Federal Street and enjoying those hours more than any others in my days, I craved her touch so much I was afraid I might do something stupid like go to her apartment.
So I drank. And when thoughts of her popped into my mind, I drank more. I didn't know how much it would take to forget her, at least for one night, but I had to try.
If I didn't, I'd go out of my mind wishing she was in my arms.
I wanted to believe what she said in the car that first day we were together after she came home from the hospital. I wanted to be strong for her after all she'd gone through. I did, but every day the chances of us ever being together felt like they shrank smaller and smaller while my need to have her at my side grew until she was all I could think about.
Lifting the whisky bottle to my lips, I let the alcohol sit in my mouth for a moment before it slid down my throat. It had been too long since Serena was in my arms. My body ached for her.
I needed to drink more. Whatever it took to stop thinking. I closed my eyes and tried to remember a time before I came to this place, but all I was then was a fighter who lived day to day to inflict pain on others.
Some would have said my life at the estate amounted to the same thing. I couldn't count how many people I'd punished for Robert in the time since he made me one of his guards. Some weeks it was the only thing I did, and then sometimes I didn't lay a hand on anyone for a month at a time.
But no matter if he called us guards, and no matter if my job only occasionally required me to rough someone up, I was who I'd always been. I knew that should make me feel something, but it didn't.
I only felt for Serena.
When I wasn't with her, I became more machine than anything else. Robert dictated what I did and to whom, and I did his bidding. No more, no less. None of it required feelings one way or the other.
I'd always been that way. When my uncle forced me into fighting, I didn't cry or complain. What would have been the point? Then instead of me beating others he would have beaten me. I may not have been good in school, but I could figure out that equation pretty quickly.