I grimaced. Hindsight and all.
“Teddy will be fine, though. Unlike Norman,” I said.
“True.”
Cliff swirled his glass, causing the ice to clink as it cooled his tea.
“Betts, I have to ask you a question,” he said after a pause I deemed way too dramatic.
“That doesn’t sound good,” I said.
Cliff laughed, but not with humor.
“It’s not bad.”
“Ask away.”
“There’s something going on in your life that I don’t understand. Something I would like to have some details about.”
“What do you mean?” I swallowed hard.
Cliff looked at the glass in his hands before he turned his full attention in my direction. His face was in moon shadows, but I still knew his features were intense. I knew serious Cliff as well as I knew funny Cliff, playful Cliff, and even silly Cliff.
“Betts, there’s a piece missing. From us. I’m either not picking up on something or you’re purposefully keeping something from me. I wish I could pinpoint what it is, but I can’t. I need you to tell me, Betts. If it’s me, I’m willing to fix it. If it’s you, I need to know if you’re willing to fix it. It’s important.”
I sighed. “Cliff . . .”
“One second, Betts. Let me finish. Tonight, I saw you and Miz over by the Express station after you told me you were running to the ladies’ room. You were standing side by side and looking at . . . well, it looked like you were both staring at something, but there was nothing there. When I saw you two, I was struck by how many moments since we’ve been back together that I feel like there’s something or someone in the room that I’m not seeing. That sounds crazy, I know, but it’s what I’m getting. Can you help me understand what’s going on? Maybe just tell me what was going on tonight.”
I wanted to tell him about the ghosts. Frankly, I felt like I owed him that much. But more important than that, I was suddenly devastated that he thought we had a missing piece—and I knew I was the one responsible. I thought I’d been so smooth. I thought it had been okay to have a crush on a dead ghost, because how harmful could that possibly be?
I was so stupid. Just because Jerome was dead didn’t mean it was okay to have a crush on him. Because any crush I had on anyone, dead or alive, diluted my feelings for Cliff, even if I hadn’t meant for it to. If I wasn’t willing to give him my one hundred percent, I didn’t deserve his one hundred percent. Jake’s voice sounded in my head as I thought those thoughts.
I was so, so stupid. (That might have been Gram’s voice).
Now was the moment to spill the beans. It was late. It was a beautiful night. It was dark; I could use the darkness to hide and he could use the darkness to process the wild and weird story I wanted to tell.
There was only one thing holding me back. It was Cliff. He was solid, logical, real. He’d never even liked to read books that had a tinge of something otherworldly or fanciful. It was one of the reasons I loved him so much.
I thought hard about the words I wanted to say.
“Cliff, there is something, but it’s not something that can ever come between us. It’s been a distraction for me, but I’m ready to work through it and do better. The missing piece is all on me. It’s something that’s hard to believe and at first had more to do with Gram than with me. But I’m involved now, too. It’s nothing bad. It’s just very weird.”
“Weird how?”