Identity Crisis(87)

‘I’m sorry, Kendra,’ he said.

‘Don’t be. I wasn’t.’ The air practically sizzled with her anger. ‘And Dad. He had the balls to show up at her funeral with one of his women, one who couldn’t have been much older than I was. He said he needed someone. He said he couldn’t bear the pain of his loss alone. His loss!’ She spat the last words out as though they were vile. ‘I haven’t spoken to him since. Mom and I weren’t enough for him. His family wasn’t enough for him. But he never had the guts to walk away either, just in case. He knew when his chicks got tired of an old fart pretending to be young, and everything crumbled, he could always come home. And he could always count on Mom to forgive him, give him a place to brood and pout and lick his wounds until the next girl came along. Well, in the end he wasn’t enough for me either. He wasn’t enough of a father. He wasn’t enough of a decent human being.’ Garrett could hear her breath, fast and furious in the darkness. ‘So no, I’m not a big fan of romance because it never is what it really is. It’s an excuse. It’s make-believe. For me it’s just one more form of fantasy, one more type of escapism. That’s all. I’d die alone before I’d ever let anyone do that to me, treat me that way.’

‘My God, Kendra.’ He pulled her back down into his arms and held her tight until she relaxed. ‘No one would ever do that to you. Not you. Not ever.’

She rose on one elbow, enough to meet his gaze. ‘Not as long as I’m in control, they won’t, and I’m always in control.’

‘No you’re not,’ he said, running a hand over her cheek. ‘You’ve not been in control for a while now, Kendra, and you know it, and it scares the hell out of you, doesn’t it? And now I understand why.’

She pushed his hand away. ‘You don’t understand anything. There is no sweetness and light, no hearts and flowers. That’s a pipe dream. That’s for people like Ellis and Dee, people who live larger than the rest of us, people who dream big and then make it happen. It’s not for people like me. I know how dark it really is out there, and I can’t pretend just because Tess Delaney writes pretty words that the darkness doesn’t exist.’

‘No one’s asking you to pretend the darkness doesn’t exist. Of course it exists.’ He reached for her and she pushed him away again.

‘Look, I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I’m going back to the house.’

But as she started to stand he pulled her back down next to him. ‘No, you’re not. You’re not running away this time, Kendra.’

She jerked back against him, ‘Damn it, Garrett, I said I’m not playing, now let me go.’ She jerked again. He lost his grip on her wrist, and the momentum sent her back on her butt onto the grass, forcing the breath from her lungs. She let out a little yelp followed by a curse, but he was on her, straddling her, trapping her arms above her head with one hand holding her wrists. He took her mouth viciously, hard, the only way he could take her while she fought him, coming dangerously close to kneeing him in the kidney and toppling him off.

‘Garrett, damn it, stop it!’ The fury in her voice was exhilarating, and frightening, and he’d never behaved this way with anyone. He never would have. He took her mouth again and she bit him and bucked hard beneath him.

He bit her back. ‘You can’t control me, Kendra. If you want to share power that’s fine, but right now it’s my turn, and long overdue.’

‘Damn it, Garrett.’ She shoved and kicked and tried to roll out from under him. ‘You’re an asshole! You’re a jerk! You deserve what you get! You deserve it! You deserve everything,’ she sobbed.

‘Tell me, Kendra,’ he gasped, forcing her legs apart with his knee and wriggling in between to nestle down tight against her. ‘Tell me what I deserve.’

‘You deserve … You deserve …’ The bucking became shifting and raking, and her tongue darted into his mouth and they ate at each other until neither could breathe. ‘You deserve better than this.’ Without warning, she collapsed back onto the ground, threw her arm across her face, and broke into angry sobs.

‘Jesus, Kendra! No!’ He pushed her arm away from her face and cupped her chin, forcing her to look at him. ‘How can you say that? There is no better than this, than you, than us together.’ He kissed her throat, feeling her swallow back a sob. ‘How can you not see that? How?’

He held her there beneath him, her legs open to the press of him, her wrists cuffed in his hands until he felt her relax, felt the tension drain away, felt the shudders calm. And when he was sure she would no longer fight him, he released her arms.