I, Porn Star(131)
I swallow, allowing just a little hope to build. “Why?”
“Because it helps…it keeps me…here. Because without that connection, I don’t think I can go on. I need it, Elyse. I need you.”#p#分页标题#e#
“Okay. That’s a good start.”
“It is?” His voice is rough with hope.
“Yes. Eat, Quinn.”
He polishes off the meal in record time. I return the tray to the kitchen. He takes another dose of his pills, and I climb into bed with him. I allow him to pull me close and we watch normal TV until we fall asleep.
The pattern continues for three days.
On Friday morning, I wake up alone in bed. I jerk upright and force myself to listen for sounds of distress. The bathroom is quiet.
“Quinn?” He doesn’t answer to the call. I touch the pillow next to mine. It’s cold. I’m about to go in search of him when he walks in. He’s carrying a tray. And he’s wearing jeans and a T-shirt, with a baseball cap tucked into his back pocket.
“You’ve been out?”
He nods. “Was in the mood for fresh bagels. I slathered yours with cream cheese, just the way you like it.”
He waits until I sit up and sets the tray down before taking a seat opposite. I salivate at the smell of pastry and he smirks as he passes me a bagel.
“Eat.”
His dominant side has been creeping back in over the last forty-eight hours. Now he’s getting stronger, I need to state a few home truths and establish some ground rules before we go any further.
I finish the bagel, coffee and juice he sets before me. My breath catches when he leans forward and brushes the corner of my mouth.
“Cream cheese,” he states, before he licks his thumb.
Heat spikes through me. I watch hunger grow in his own eyes and I know our impasse is coming to an end. Once our meal is cleared away, he undresses and gets back into bed. I try to take my eyes off his body to focus on what I need to say.
“We need to clear up a few things.”
He nods. “Yes.”
“The whole Q thing. It was a little more than just a film to you, wasn’t it?”
Pain slashes across his eyes. “Yes.”
“Why?”
“Maxwell and his friends were part of the group who bid for those types of films. I set the first one up as bait. Maxwell was the highest bidder of Q’s first production and every one after that. It gave me a kick to take his money and donate it to charity, while I knew I’d humiliate him eventually with the irony of what he was paying for.”
My heart aches but I nod. “Okay, I understand how things rolled with Q and Lucky. I’m not really upset about that.”
He breathes out. “Okay, but I still want to make it up to you. Will you let me?”
“I’m thinking about it.”
He nods again.
I clear my throat and continue. “You and Elyse…Sully offering me a job, me working at Blackwood Tower, did you—?”
“No. That was total coincidence. I didn’t orchestrate that. You started working at Blackwood before you came to me…to Q.”
The knot inside me eases a touch. “And getting evicted from the motel? Did you have something to do with that?”
His gaze drops and his jaw flexes once. “Yes. The moment you said yes to Q, I saw you as mine, in every way. I couldn’t have you living there. I needed to remove you from that vile place.”
“What if I hadn’t come to you?”
“I would have found a way. I’m not going to apologize for wanting you safe, Elyse. I will apologize for the way I did things. For not coming clean later, when I realized I didn’t want you to end up as collateral damage in the shit storm I created. What I did to you was wrong. So wrong. But…I was caught up in a decade long, twisted game. Reason had long ceased to matter.”#p#分页标题#e#
I catch a glimpse of the mental anguish still riding him, and I touch his hand, trace it to the lines on his forearm. “Was this part of the game? Cutting yourself?”
“For a while, yes. It got me the attention I needed. It got me into Adriana Nathanson’s office.”
“God, Quinn.”
He grabs hold of my hand, and stares deep into my eyes.
“Forgive me, Elyse. I went into this with my eyes shut to everything else but getting my brand of justice for my mother. Even when I realized I wanted you to see me, maybe even save me, I still wasn’t prepared to stop.”
“But I did see you. I knew who you were. What you were. I tried to convince myself it didn’t matter. But it did.”
Bleakness flashes through his eyes. “It still matters, doesn’t it?”
I hesitate. Then go with the truth. “Yes. You need help, Quinn. To help you get over losing your mother that way. But I want to be there for you while you get that help. Maybe I need help myself. I’m not without fault.”