Hot as Puck(12)

Libby: It’s almost noon, Drunky Mchungoverpants, and I’ve got an appointment in a few minutes. I just wanted to check on you before I turn off my phone.







Laura: What kind of appointment? Are you getting a massage? If so, can I come, too? I need someone to rub the toxins out of my muscles.

God, why do I ever drink, Libs? I seriously cannot handle my liquor.







Libby: You think?







Laura: Ugh. I’m sorry. It was just a shit week, and I wanted to blow off steam like a normal twenty-seven-year-old.

Can you forgive me? I didn’t embarrass you too terribly, did I?







Libby: No. You told the Lyft driver that he was sexy in an ugly way—like Mick Jagger with smaller lips—but he had a sense of humor about it, and I managed to get you into bed before you passed out.

All in all, it was a good night on the babysitting end of things.







Laura: That poor man. I hope I at least tipped him well?







Libby: You gave him a twenty and a kiss on the cheek.







Laura: Good. And I’ll tip you, too, little sis.

How about team suite tickets for the game next weekend? You can drink, eat your weight in crab cakes, and watch Jus kick ass on the ice, and I’ll be the babysitter who gets you home safe.

Sound good?







Libby: I think so. Let me touch base with you on Monday or Tuesday and let you know for sure I don’t have other plans.







Laura: Why would you have other plans?

Oh my God, did you meet someone last night?!

Shit, you did, didn’t you!? The boob shirt worked its magic and you met someone and now you’re going to get lots of dick and quit obsessing about Roger!







Libby: No, I didn’t meet anyone!

And I am not obsessing about Roger. I like Roger. There’s a difference.







Laura: Um, no, there’s not. Roger is a dink, and what you need is dick.

Wear the boob shirt again this weekend to the game and I’ll make sure you’re in the same suite with the guys from that cybersecurity firm that hired all the super-hot new techies. They will be helpless to resist you. You’ll probably get laid in the bathroom before the game is even over.







Libby: That’s what you said last night, and believe me, people had NO trouble resisting. The boob shirt and I were complete failures.







Laura: No you weren’t! Last night wasn’t a fair test.

You were at a party with a bunch of cocky professional athletes who think they’re God’s gift to pussy. You wouldn’t want one of them, anyway. Trust me. They’re awful. Even Jus is just barely tolerable, and that’s only because I’ve known him since we were in seventh grade and I have photographic proof of his pimple stage to bring him back down to earth when he starts being an arrogant prick.

But the sexy nerd boys will TRULY be unable to resist. You’ll have them crawling on their knees, begging you for a date in no time. I swear.







Libby: I don’t want sexy nerds or professional athletes. I want Roger.







Laura: Yeah, I know, but you haven’t been with anyone since college, sis.

Don’t you think it’s time to get back in the saddle? I mean, I know having the guy you lost your virginity to decide to become a priest totally sucked, but that’s no reason to completely give up on peen. Peen can be a lot of fun, you know?







Libby: I’ve got to go. My appointment’s about to start.







Laura: Seriously, it doesn’t have to be about true love or forever, Libs. It can just be about fun, mutual enjoyment, and proving to yourself that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Because there isn’t, you know.







Libby: I’m not having this conversation right now, La.

Go back to sleep. I’ll text you later.







Laura: I mean it, Libs. You are perfectly normal and so is your poose.

I asked the woman at the place where I made you go get waxed with me, and she swore you were all A-OK down there.







Libby: OH MY GOD, YOU DIDN’T!

TELL ME YOU DIDN’T ASK A COMPLETE STRANGER ABOUT MY VAGINA, LAURA?!







Laura: She’s not a stranger! She’s been waxing me for almost six years. We’re practically family! And she would never tell anyone.







Libby: Oh, right! But she WILL tell my SISTER all about MY VAGINA!







Laura: Can you stop screaming that word at me, please? You know I hate it.

Especially first thing in the morning.







Libby: VAGINA! VAGINA, VAGINA, VAGINA!







Laura: Fine! Be mad and aggressive with your use of the V-word, but I was just trying to help! That’s what big sisters do! We help.

And then we get drunk and make you take care of us, and then we rededicate ourselves to helping even more than we did before. So come to the game with the boob shirt. Let me help you, Libs. I love you so much, and I just want you to be happy. And I know Roger is your happy-ever-after guy, but it wouldn’t hurt you to have a “just for fun” guy to help build up your confidence before you go after Roger full throttle and prove to him that you are the answer to all his romantic dreams.