Hot Velocity(11)

Flopping over onto her back, Sierra pulled the extra pillow up into her arms and hugged it. “Good Lord, I can hear you as if you were in my room.”

He chuckled. “Told you.”

“You really must have gotten a blow-by-blow account of the couple’s nights.”

“Pun intended?”

It was Sierra’s turn to chuckle. “If it fits...”

Quiet settled in again, but Sierra couldn’t relax. It was as if she were clinging to an edge, waiting for another word from T-Rex to pull her back. When he didn’t say anything, she couldn’t remain silent. “Why did you join the military?”

“To get out of Texas and see the world.” He snorted. “Only it turns out that it’s not always the best part of the world.”

“I can imagine.” She picked at the pillowcase. “I know you said you’re not married, but have you ever been?”

“No.”

“You’re a...good-looking guy. How have you gone all these years without getting hitched?” She bit her lip. “Sorry. If I’m being too nosy, just tell me to shove off.”

“No. It’s okay,” he said. “First of all, I haven’t met anyone who could put up with me.”

Sierra laughed. “I find that hard to believe.”

“It’s true. I’m stubborn, cranky and hard to get along with on a good day.”

“I get along fine with you.”

“Second, after my first couple of deployments, watching other guys who had wives back home, I couldn’t see myself subjecting a woman to the hardship of being married to a career military man. Many of my men would return to empty houses—their wives having moved back to their mamas, taking the kids with them.”

“Some women are a lot stronger than you think. Surely you could find one who would be there when you got back.”

“Yeah. If I got back.” His voice faded to little more than a whisper. “Or if I came back in one piece.”

Sierra’s chest tightened. She could hear the strain in his tone. “What do you mean?”

“I wouldn’t want to come back in a body bag. Or worse, a paraplegic. What woman wants to take care of her children and her husband for the rest of her life?”

“A woman who loves him more than life,” Sierra answered.

“I couldn’t put a woman through the heartache and demands of a life caring for an invalid.”

Another long silence stretched between them.

Sierra broke it with, “You know someone like this, don’t you?”

His answer was in the form of more silence.

“I’m sorry,” Sierra said. “It must hurt to see one of your men so badly injured.”

“Hurts even more that I can do nothing to make it better.” T-Rex’s voice was tight and hard. “He’ll never walk again. He’ll never throw a ball for his son. He’ll never feel the softness of his wife’s skin.”

Tears welled in Sierra’s eyes. “And because of this, you will never marry?”

“Yes,” he said, his tone harsh.

“Did you ever think that maybe a woman would want to make the choice, to be the one to decide whether or not to take the risk on you?”

“It doesn’t matter,” he said. “I’d rather die than be a burden on a woman.”

“Sometimes you aren’t given a choice. Your friend was given that choice. I’m sure his wife would rather have him alive than not.”

“I told you I was terrible boyfriend material.”

“Again, you weren’t lying. Not because you’re a member of the military. Most women can deal with that. You’re terrible boyfriend material because you won’t give a woman the opportunity to decide for herself if she’s ready and willing to take the risk on you. You just avoid the situation altogether.”

“Yes. Exactly.”

“In the meantime, you’re alone.” Sierra’s heart contracted. One of the reasons she’d stayed with her husband as long as she had was because she was terrible at being alone. Perhaps the death of her parents had made her less secure in her solitude. For the past few months of being single, she’d learned being alone wasn’t all that bad. But she wouldn’t want to be alone forever.

“I like being alone,” T-Rex said.

“Because you’ve been alone for so long you don’t remember what it’s like to have someone else to share your life.”

“I have my unit.”

“And they are with you 24/7 when you’re deployed, but they go home to their families when you’re Stateside. Which leaves you alone again.”

“I like it,” he insisted.

“Uh-huh.”

“I can choose what to eat for dinner. I don’t have to ask permission if I want to go to a movie, and I can walk around my apartment naked, if I like.”

Sierra laughed. “Yeah, but you don’t have anyone to talk to when you’re down or someone with whom you can share the beauty of a sunset.”

“I don’t need any of that.”

“No?” Sierra leaned up on her elbows. “What about children? Don’t you want children of your own? A little girl or a miniature T-Rex to teach how to play ball?”

“No.” His tone was hard and final. “What happens if I did have a little boy, and then I came back a paraplegic like Gunny? What then? My son wouldn’t have a father to teach him the things a father is supposed to.”

“Your Gunny is alive. He will be there for his son, to teach him by his words. He can hire a coach. I’m sure his son would rather have him than no father at all.”

“I won’t do that to any kid of mine. War’s hell. I won’t put a woman through the uncertainty. I won’t have her waiting for the dreaded call or visit from the chaplain.”

“If you love someone enough, you’ll take whatever time you’re given with that person,” Sierra said softly.

“You’ve been reading too many romance novels. I’m surprised you still believe in love, given the fact you’re divorced.”

Sierra flinched and hugged the pillow harder, her eyes stinging. His words hurt. “For a long time, I thought I was the one who’d failed at my marriage. I stopped believing in love. It couldn’t be real. It was just lust, and when that faded, you had nothing.” Tears welled in her eyes. Those had been dark days in which she’d felt more hopeless than at any other time of her life.

“Look, Sierra, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said what I said about your divorce.”

“No, you’re right. It took being away from Clay to realize it wasn’t me. He wasn’t capable of loving me. And maybe I wasn’t capable of loving him. But I know I’m capable of love, and I’m not giving up on finding it.” She held up her hand, even though he couldn’t see it. “Don’t worry. I won’t look for it in you. You’ve been very clear on the subject. Now, if you don’t mind, I’m tired and I have to get some sleep.”

Silence filled the gloom, making it seem even gloomier.

“Good night, Sierra. I hope you find it.”

I hope you do, too, she thought. Then, you’ll understand.





Chapter Seven

T-Rex tossed and turned through the night. Sierra’s words stuck with him, making it hard for him to clear his mind. For a woman who’d been in an abusive relationship, she was still optimistic about finding love.

As morning light edged through the curtains, T-Rex gave up on sleep, put on his running shoes and sweats and went out for a jog. Whenever he needed to think, he ran. He had a lot to think about, and there didn’t seem to be enough time or road to ponder everything on his mind.

Number one was the last bit of conversation he’d had with Sierra. No matter how hard he tried to push it to the back of his mind, he couldn’t. The last thing he needed to be thinking about was love. He was married to the corps. He was first, and foremost, a marine.

Any woman who dared to fall in love with a career marine was setting herself up for heartache and sacrifice. She would be left alone more often than not. Any children from the relationship would be raised by their mother. Deployments were a given, and they could be as long as fourteen months at a time. Gunny had missed more birthdays and dance recitals than he’d managed to attend. What kind of life was that for a woman, or children, for that matter?

Then why were so many of his troops married? Sure, some had deployed to come back to an empty house, their wives picking up and moving the kids back to their mamas. But there were those who kept the home fires burning and greeted their loved ones when they stepped off the planes. They were there with love in their eyes, truly happy to see their husbands.

Why couldn’t that be him?

An image came to his mind of Sierra waiting at the airport or on the tarmac of a military landing strip, her blue eyes alight with happy tears, a pretty little girl, with her blond hair and blue eyes standing beside her, clutching her hand.

His heart pinched in his chest, forcing him to slow to a walk. He’d seen wives like that with their little ones gathered around their legs. Waiting for their husbands and fathers to step off the plane. The happy reunion  s always made him rethink his stance on his own bachelorhood.

Then he’d see a casket unloaded from the bowels of a plane, the widow and children of the fallen marine there to meet the transfer detail with the hearse.