Home For Christmas(2)

He came to the shelter almost every night, and somehow my young heart had fallen in love with him. I knew nothing would ever come of it because I was way too young, but something about him called to me.

We never spoke much until the day I lost my dad. Vance was actually the one to give me the news. I was working in the back stockroom when he walked in. He told me my dad had had a massive heart attack and he died instantly. He held me while I cried. I don’t know how he found out first, or why he was the one to tell me, and I don’t know how long I lay in his lap sobbing. But Vance just held me, then picked me up and took me home. He kissed my cheek and wiped my tears away. Looking back I know it wasn’t anything romantic, nothing but a friend offering comfort when I needed it most.

Then, to my surprise, Vance paid for his funeral. At the time, I was only sixteen, but my crush for him only grew after that. He still only spoke a few words to me, only ever asking how I was doing and if I needed anything. But his eyes were on me whenever we were in the same room.

I felt like he was waiting for something. The way his eyes followed me made me think he wanted me. On my eighteenth birthday the shelter staff threw a little party for me. I hadn't wanted to go because I had to put my grandma into a nursing home a few weeks earlier. I didn't feel much like celebrating, but a small part of me wondered if this was it. Maybe he’d been waiting this whole time for me to turn eighteen.

He didn’t show that night. My eyes kept going to the door, but as the minutes ticked by the sadder I became and the lonelier I felt. When everyone left I went into the back and sat on the floor in the office to get myself together. I knew I was going home to an empty house and I didn’t want to face it.

The tears started to flow and just like the time before, Vance walked in and pulled me onto his lap. Only this time when I looked up at him, he didn’t kiss me on the cheek. He brushed away my tears and pressed his lips to mine. It was soft and sweet, and in that moment everything melted away. The weight of life lifted and I felt like I’d come home. That it was all going to be okay.

If only I’d known that was going to be our only night together. I wouldn't have let him go. I would have made him stay with me instead of dropping me off at my house.

The final words he said to me still play on repeat in my head.

I’m going to take care of everything, my sweet girl. Tonight is only the beginning of us. You belong to me.

He was wrong. That night was all we ever had. It was the beginning and the end for us. But even in death he didn’t lie; he’d taken care of everything. My grandma was moved to one of the best nursing homes in the city. Then I found out he’d left a trust fund for me to go to college. It covered everything I needed. From room and board, to food and books. I even got some extra spending money each month.

I couldn’t believe he did all of it, so I made sure I put it all to good use. I worked as hard as I could to get the best grades I could, and even graduated a little early. Not having to have a full-time job let me enjoy more time with my grandma. I was able to savor the time I had left with the woman who had a big hand in raising me. She wasn't just my grandma, she was more like a mother to me than anything. She and my father were all the family I had.

I feel a tear slip free as I look around the room at people eat their Christmas dinner while trying to stay out of the cold.

“Are you going to say goodbye?” Paul asks me.

“I can’t. I’ve said too many goodbyes in my life already.” Maybe it’s selfish that I’m just going to slip out, but saying goodbye to everyone here will hurt more than I can bear. I still have to go to the graveyard and say my goodbyes to my grandma and dad.

Paul leans down and kisses the top of my head.

“Why not wait until tomorrow? The snow is really coming down out there.” I glance over at one of the giant windows where the Christmas lights are twinkling and see the snow starting to pick up.

“I’ll be careful. I promise.” I try to reassure Paul. He reluctantly lets me go and reaches into his pocket, pulling out his wallet to give me money.

“Paul, I’m fine, really. People here need that more than I do.” I push the money back at him. I don’t have a ton of money, but I still have some left over from Grandma’s estate that I never had to spend because of Vance.

It’s been years since I lost him, and it still hurts. I can’t find the will to move on. It might have been quick, and it may be my own memory clouding my heart, but it felt like my soul connected to his. That’s why I’m forcing myself to leave. Maybe a change will help me take the next step in my life. Whatever that step might be.