His family hunts this particular piece of land every year, so there were already tree stands in place. By midmorning, we’d crawl up into them, bundled in camouflage, and wait for any deer to cross our path as they headed to a nearby stream. We didn’t see much movement, but my brain never stopped firing.
I took some target practice with Tim’s rifle the first day just to clear my head. Before I knew it, I had reloaded five times and the frozen ground was littered with shell casings. Ben just stood there with his hands in his pockets, watching me. He had sunglasses on even though it was snowing, so I couldn’t see his eyes, but he didn’t seem rattled by my display. In fact, I think I even detected a smirk on his face before he looked away.
But I just couldn’t wrap my mind around the idea of Cassidy and Conrad no matter how much aggression I unleashed by repeatedly pulling the trigger. To think that she’d played me like that… It hurt my heart to contemplate the scope of what she’d done to me. Because I knew without a doubt that I didn’t love her anymore, and that made it hurt all the worse.
I mourned her betrayal, and it was like losing her a second time. But this time, I was grieving for the person I thought she was—her memory, her spirit, her essence. I’d never thought I’d have to say goodbye to the kind, sweet girl I’d believed her to be. She was something else entirely. Someone I never really knew.
To think that we were going to begin our lives together based on a lie made me want to tear out of the forest, find Conrad in whatever skyscraper he was lurking, and knock the living daylights out of him for what he took from me. She didn’t mean anything to him. He wanted her to get rid of their child. He didn’t want it. He wasn’t going to offer her forever like I was. He used her, and she was too blind to see that. I’d feel sorry for her if I wasn’t so angry with her.
Yeah, things with me might not have been as exciting, but she never had to question my fidelity. I was prepared to be there for her in good times and in bad, and I was, right to the end. Even when I suspected that she might have been pulling away from me, I stuck by her. I knew she was going through a lot. I just never imagined how much she’d really been keeping from me.
The finer things in life always seduced Cassidy. And it’s not like I didn’t know it. Hell, the cost of her engagement ring was proof enough of that. I knew I’d never be able to give her everything she wanted, but I thought I was giving her the most important things. A house. A family. A future.
But apparently, it wasn’t enough. The minute my back was turned, she went looking elsewhere. Conrad didn’t have to twist her arm to get her to meet with him. She went willingly. I don’t care how naïve she might have been. She had to have known what a man like him would want from her. I was never with anyone besides her while she was alive, and it kills me that she didn’t remain faithful to me. Here I thought she didn’t like having sex, but maybe she just didn’t like having sex with me.
I kick a fallen branch and watch it skirt across the snow. I have to stop thinking about this. I promised Ivy that I would have myself pulled together by the time I got back. And I do feel saner, calmer, but the wound is still going to sting for a while. I’m just going to have to be careful not to let thoughts of Cassidy enter my head whenever I’m around Ivy. I have to separate the two.
But it’s been hard, even since before Tim’s revelation. Just seeing Ivy’s body changing has brought back so many memories. Up until then, the two of them had been blending together in my mind. They couldn’t be more different, but the expectations surrounding a problem pregnancy are too similar to ignore. How they can’t hide that look of fear in their eyes, how they cry in their sleep and don’t even know it, how they mask their trepidation in every smile—it’s all the same. I’ve been there before, and I’m going through it again.
But I have to remember that this time I have a woman I can trust at my side. We’re in this together, all the way, a hundred percent. I’m not in it alone. I have no doubts about her feelings for me. The genuineness of her love burns within her. It’s what’s driving her to do this. It’s what’s keeping her going. It’s why she’s determined to take such a monumental risk, because she’s doing it for me.
I bite the inside of my cheek. Even though my tracks are the only ones in the snow, I’m still not good with showing my emotions—even in private. Yeah, I could get into a fistfight any day of the week, but that’s just blowing off steam. This stuff is deep. It’s what life’s all about. I’m not comfortable with letting myself go there, especially after Cassidy, but Ivy makes me want to try. To lower my guard and give it another go—now more than ever.