'At the moment,' she said, 'my most pressing concern is the future—not the past.'
'Really?' he said. 'And I thought it was the here and now that had you clinging to the edge of the bed like an abseiler whose rope has been cut.'
'If so, you can hardly blame me for that.'
'You were the one who asked for a breathing space,' Nick reminded her softly.
At this particular time it seemed difficult to breathe at all, Cally realised, her throat tightening.
She said huskily, 'You can hardly expect to— walk back into my life and expect things to be as they were a year ago.'
'Ah,' he said. 'And exactly how were things then, Cally? Refresh my memory.'
Oh, God, she'd walked bang into that one, she thought, biting her lip.
She steadied her voice. 'Perhaps I believed—once— briefly—that a marriage between us could be made to work.'
'And yet you walked out?' he said slowly. 'Without even a shot being fired in anger. Why? And I want a reason. Not some flippant throwaway excuse that tells me nothing.'
It was the direct question she'd dreaded, and it demanded the direct answer she could not give.
Because I discovered I'd been blind enough and crazy enough to give you the power to smash me into little pieces. To break my heart so cruelly and completely that I would never recover.
Because it was only when I saw you with another woman in your arms on our wedding day that I realised how deeply I'd fallen in love with you, and that it would kill me to live only half a life with you— knowing that I would have to share you. That it was her that you really wanted—not me— and ours was just a marriage of convenience.
Knowing, too, that any happiness found would be a sham and a betrayal.
And that the only way I could retain my sanity—and my self-respect—would be to distance myself from you totally, utterly and for ever.
But to say the words aloud would be another fatal betrayal. She would be admitting that his pretence at wooing her had succeeded only too well, and that as she'd stood beside him and repeated her vows she'd been loving and longing for him with shy but passionate ardour.
And to let him know that she'd been such a pathetic, gullible fool was more than flesh and blood could stand. She could not bear such a stark humiliation.
Better, she thought, to endure Nick's anger than his pity.
She had no idea, of course, if Vanessa Layton was still part of his life. If she was even now installed at Southwood Cottage, or whether she'd been supplanted by someone else.
No doubt she would find out soon enough, she told herself, her whole being wincing from the thought. But what she must never do was give Nick even a hint that she cared. That his blatant disregard for fidelity mattered to her so ba dry that seeing him with Vanessa had torn her apart, leaving her torn and bleeding. And running away, like a small wounded animal seeking sanctuary, had seemed the only possible remedy. A chance to heal herself somehow—eventually.#p#分页标题#e#
As he'd admitted himself, he was not and never had been the marrying kind. But he needed someone to run his ho me efficiently—and, it now seemed, to give him a child. With Nick there was always an agenda.
And I was conveniently available, she thought, and so pitifully ready to believe every charming, seductive lie he told me. Not to mention the merit points he'd gain by rescuing the neighbourhood's penniless orphan. Why couldn't I see that he was taking me in lieu of the money my grandfather owed him? That was why he could still justify continuing his affair with Vanessa— because he was just balancing the bloody books.
She drew a ragged, painful breath.
He said harshly, 'I'm wailing for an answer.'
Slowly, reluctantly, she turned to face him. Her eyes were accustomed now lo the semi-darkness, and she could see that he was propped up on one elbow, watching her, although she was unable to read his expression. But then, did she really want lo? She said, 'I told you—I knew I'd made a terrible mistake and I couldn't think how to put it right. So I suppose I took the coward's way out—and left.'
'And that's all there was to it?'
'Yes.' Or she could ever admit to.
'It didn't occur to you to talk to me? That maybe together we could have sorted something out?'
'I was afraid that—somehow—you'd persuade me to stay.' That, she thought, at least was the truth.
'It's almost comforting lo know that once seemed possible.' His lone was wry.
'I can assure you it didn't last long,' she said defensively.
'Now, that carries real conviction,' he resumed grimly. 'But if that's away of telling me I still have a struggle on my hands, I recommend that you think again. Because I've no intention of fighting fair.' She said tonelessly, ‘I will consider myself warned.'
'On the other hand,' he said, after a pause, 'it doesn't have to be like this.' 'As long as I do what you say? Play by your rules?' Cally demanded bitterly. 'Oh, I'm sure.' 'I was thinking more,' Nick said slowly, 'of that day by the river. And please don't pretend you've forgotten." Her instinctive denial died on her lips. She tensed. 'What of it?'