“Henri, if you had been outside to stop Trella, they would have gone for Angelique,” she argued, lifting on an elbow. “That’s not a better outcome.”
“If they’d called out to Angelique, she would have made Ramon go with her. She was shy. We might have had a fighting chance at stopping it before it happened. I should have told Trella to wait for me, but I didn’t.” He pinched the bridge of his nose.
“Because you were talking to a girl.”
She was trying to make him see how insignificant that was, but a chill moved into her heart. A realization was dawning, but it was a dark one. More like a shadow dimming the landscape inside her.
“Who was she?” Her ears rang, making it nearly impossible to hear his response.
“Just a girl.”
Cinnia pulled all the way back onto her own pillow, no longer touching him. She wanted to ease his conscience, she really did, but said, “No, she wasn’t.” She didn’t know how she knew it, she just did. “There were lots of girls after that. She wasn’t just a girl.”
“I don’t want to talk about this. Go to sleep.”
“You cared about her,” she said in realization. It hurt. Oh, it hurt like acid and corrosive and nuclear waste, all being poured over her heart.
“Mon Dieu. It was puppy love, Cinnia. You had that yourself and know it means nothing.”
“No, it doesn’t. Not when it means... This is why you won’t let yourself care for me. You’re worried it will impact your ability to take care of the rest of your family.”
“I care for you, damn it.”
“But you don’t love me. You’re never going to love me, are you? You will never let yourself feel anything like it because you think it takes too much of your attention. Do you know how hard this is, Henri?” She gave the mattress a smack with her fist. “I’ve fought and fought falling in love with you. I’ve let myself rely on you. I sleep with you and I’m having children with you. And you can’t even love me back? You won’t even try.”
“You love me?” He rolled toward her.
“Yes, and I’m sorry. I know it’s one more burden you don’t want!”
“That’s not true.” He reached for her.
“I keep telling myself to give you time, that you’ll come around, but you are never going to relent, are you? It’s not because I’m not lovable. You’re just that stubborn!”
“Cinnia.” He tried to gather her into his front.
“No.” She rolled so her back was toward him. “I want to go to sleep.”
“Cin,” he cajoled, pressing his lips to her shoulder as he fit himself behind her.
“Don’t touch me.” She pushed at his leg with her foot and brushed his hand off her hip. “It’s one thing to put something in a cage because you love it and want to protect it, but when you don’t actually care, it just makes me a prisoner. So forget it. No conjugal visit.”
“Stop it. You’re blowing this out of proportion.” His hand settled on her waist.
“I’m tired.” Her voice broke. She was so tired of wishing and yearning and winding up empty. She pushed his hand off her, wriggling so she was on the very edge of the bed. “Leave me alone.”
He swore and threw off the covers, leaving the bed and their room.
* * *
Cinnia woke late, alone, eyes like sandpaper. She held a cold compress on them, somehow pulled herself together with a comb and a toothbrush, put on a sundress that wasn’t too much like a circus tent and went downstairs, raw as an exposed nerve.
Everyone was outside, seeming in good spirits, which made her depression all the harder to disguise. She pretended she was merely tired when she joined Hasna at the table under the umbrella. Trella was on a nearby lounger, showing something to her mother on her tablet. Kasim and Sadiq stood with Angelique at the rail, laying bets on the tennis match below.
Henri and Ramon were on the court, trying to kill one another. She’d seen them play before and they were hideously competitive, equally strong and skilled, and they knew each other’s weaknesses. Their games could go on for ages.
“They’re so well matched,” Hasna said, craning her neck. “I suppose loyalty demands you put your money on Henri.”
In the mood he was in, yes, he would likely prevail. In the mood she was in? She’d love to see him lose abysmally, especially to Ramon. That always annoyed the hell out of him.
“Is this the yogurt we heard so much about yesterday?” Cinnia looked over the tubs set in ice. “They got away okay this morning?” she asked of the guests who’d brought it.