Afterward, they were given bars of soap as they entered the white-tiled shower room. The door closed behind them with a loud bang. The sound startled Elise, and she turned to see one of the SS doctors dead-bolt it closed and twist the lock.
“Where are the towels?” Elise asked. “Where are the hospital gowns?”
“No need.” Brigitta’s expression was impassive.
Elise didn’t understand. “No need?” She walked to the door and slid the peephole cover open. She leaned forward and peered in. Then she pulled her eye away as though it had been burned. “My God,” she whispered. “The children—” She shook her head, unable to process what she had just seen. Brigitta made her way to Elise’s side as she began to pound on the door and try to unlock it. “Friedrich …” Then, louder this time, to Brigitta, “They’re dying in there!”
“I know.” Brigitta lit a cigarette. “Want one?”
In a daze, Elise shook her head.
Brigitta exhaled thick smoke. Then, “Look, if you’re on the bus, you knew what you were getting into. Although it was hard for me the first time, too.”
Elise again reached for the dead bolt, and Brigitta pulled her hand away. A cluster of the SS doctors looked over. “Is there a problem?” one asked.
“Nein,” Brigitta called. “She’s new. It’s her first time.”
“A Jungfrau!” one said, and they all laughed. A virgin.
“What—what do you—we—tell their parents?” Elise demanded. Then, looking at the door, “The bodies …”
“Oh, there’s one letter describing an illness—usually pneumonia. Or appendicitis. And the bodies are cremated, of course. Then the death certificate comes with a nice urn.”
Elise turned away in a sickened daze. Hadamar. Death. Urns. Suddenly it was clear what had happened to Gretel.
“It gets better, after a while.” Brigitta dropped her cigarette butt and ground it under her shoe. “It’s the best thing we can do for these unfortunates. In the long run, it’s better for them—more humane. A mercy death. And the pay is more than we make for our regular shifts.” She put one hand to Elise’s shoulder. “Look, do you want to get a cup of coffee in the lounge while we wait?”
“No!” Elise shrugged Brigitta’s hand away, as if it burned.
“You’re new—you’ll get used to it.” Brigitta spoke in gentler tones. “We all have. It’s a kindness, really. You have to think of it like that.” She turned and walked away.
Elise ran—as fast as she could, as long as her legs would hold up—to the grassy lawn. It was dark, and she ran blindly, not caring. When finally she fell, she vomited until she was unable to breathe, unable to see through her tears. Oh, God, my God, she prayed. Oh, God, help me. Help us all.
When it was time, Elise climbed back on the bus, feeling hollow and numb. Without the children, the bus seemed eerily empty and deafeningly quiet. Brigitta sat down next to her. “Remember—they’re ‘life unworthy of life.’ ‘Useless eaters.’ They take places in hospitals needed for wounded soldiers. The best young men die in war, and then the Volk lose the best available genes. If we don’t step in and do something, their genes will take over. The government must intervene, to save Germany.”
“And what about the fifth commandment?” Elise asked, looking at the painted window, unable to see. “ ‘Thou shalt not kill’?”
Brigitta’s brow furrowed. “That’s no commandment of God’s—just a Jewish lie, meant to keep us weak. We don’t need to follow it anymore. Besides, it’s not killing, it’s euthanasia. Kinder-Euthanasie. Operation Compassionate Death.”
“The doctors, the orderlies,” Elise said. “They’re all volunteers?”
“Yes.”
“And what would happen if they wanted to stop?”
“They’d be sent to the Eastern Front, probably. Where the commander in charge of the unit would assign them to a suicide squad.” She put her hand on Elise’s arm. “If you’re smart, you’ll keep your mouth shut. As you know, this is a top-secret program. No reveals will be tolerated.” Then, “I know, it’s difficult to accept at first, but you must get past this. Complaining is only going to bring you trouble from above.”
Elise’s ears began to ring. She thought she might be losing her mind. She closed her eyes. “I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills,” she prayed silently, “from whence cometh my help. My help cometh from the Lord, which made heaven and earth.…”