Hadn't she felt the same desperate ache for stability and love as a child? Throughout her lonely childhood she had clutched on to various caregivers in an attempt to feel loved and cherished. Whenever she had been sent to yet another foster placement, she had blamed herself for not being pretty enough, cute enough or lovable enough. The constant pressure of wondering whether she was doing the right thing to make people love her had worn her down. She had eventually stopped trying and at times had deliberately sabotaged the relationships that could have most helped her.
But Alessandra wasn't a difficult child to love. Eliza loved all children-even the most trying ones-but something about Leo's little girl had planted a tiny fishhook in her heart. She felt it tugging on her whenever she thought of the day when her time with her would come to an end. Leaving Leo would break her heart, leaving his daughter would rip it from her chest.
'I'm afraid that's not possible,' Leo said in a matter-of-fact tone. 'Now, let's go and get that picnic, shall we?'
Leo's motor launch was moored amongst similar luxury boats down at the marina. It was a beautiful vessel, sleek and powerful as it carved through the water. The sun was bright and made thousands of diamonds sparkle across the surface of the sea. It was a poignant reminder that little Alessandra couldn't see the beauty that surrounded them. But she was clearly enjoying being in the fresh air with the briny scent of the sea in the air. She lifted her face to the breeze as the boat moved across the water and giggled in delight when a spray of moisture hit her face. 'It's wetting me!'
'The ocean is blowing you kisses,' Eliza said and dropped a kiss on the top of the little girl's wind-tousled hair. She looked up and caught Leo's gaze on her. 'It's a gorgeous boat, Leo. Have you had it long?'
'I bought it just before Alessandra was born.' He brushed back his hair off his face with one of his hands, and although he was wearing reflective sunglasses she could see the crease of a frown between his brows. 'I thought it'd be a great thing to do as a family. Get out on the water, sail into the sunset, get away from the madding crowd, so to speak.' His mouth twisted ruefully. 'I only ever take it out on my own, mostly late at night when Alessandra's fast asleep in bed when Kathleen or Marella are on duty. I suppose I should think about selling it.'
Eliza looked at his wind-tousled hair and her heart gave a little leap of hope. 'Is that where you went the other night? Out here on the boat … alone?'
His expression was self-deprecating. 'Not quite what you were expecting from a worldly playboy, is it?'
Eliza was conscious of Alessandra sitting on her knee but she hoped the unfamiliar English words would not compromise her innocence. 'When was the last time you were … um … a playboy?'
'I took my marriage vows seriously, even though nothing was happening in that department, more or less since that first night. We agreed to leave things on a platonic basis. In the time since she … left us ten months ago … ' he glanced at his daughter for a moment before returning his gaze to hers ' … I've had other more important priorities.'
Eliza stared at him in shock. For the last four years he had not been out with a variety of mistresses. He hadn't been with anyone. Like her, he had been concentrating on his responsibilities, trying to do the best he could under difficult and heart-wrenching circumstances. The night she had thought he had been having bed-wrecking sex with some casual hook-up, he had actually been out on his boat-alone. Probably spending the time like she did back in her life in England, tortured with guilt and desperation at how life had thrown such a devastating curve ball.
Alessandra shifted on Eliza's lap. 'I'm hungry.'
Eliza ruffled the little tot's raven-black hair. 'Then let's have breakfast.'
Leo met her gaze and gave her a smile. 'How about you set up the picnic in the dining area while I teach this young lady how to steer a motor launch?'
'Can I steer it? Can I really?' Alessandra asked with excitement. 'What if I run into something?'
He scooped her up in his arms and carried her towards the bow. 'You'll have me by your side to direct you, mia piccola. We'll be a team. A team works together so no one gets into trouble. We look out for each other.'
'Can Eliza be part of our team?' Alessandra asked. 'For always and always?'
Eliza blinked back a rush of tears and looked out at the ocean so Leo couldn't see how much his little girl's request had pained her. Why was life always so full of such difficult choices? If she chose to stay she would be abandoning Samantha and Ewan. If she chose to leave she would be breaking not only her own heart, but also dear little Alessandra's.
As for Leo's heart … did he still have one after what happened between them four years ago? She had a feeling he had closed off his heart since then. Yes, he loved his daughter, but he would allow no one else to get close to him.
'She's a part of our team for now,' he said in a deep and gravelly tone. 'Now, let's get your hands on the wheel. Yes, just like that. Now, here we go-full steam ahead.'
On the way back to the marina after breakfast, Leo glanced at Eliza, who was sitting with his daughter on her lap, holding one of her little hands in hers with an indulgent smile on her face. To anyone looking from the outside, she would easily pass for Alessandra's biological mother with her glossy mahogany hair and creamy toned skin.
Although he had paid an enormous sum of money to engage her services as a nanny, he suspected she would have been just as dedicated if he had paid her nothing. She seemed to genuinely care for his daughter. He had seen her numerous times when she hadn't known he was watching. Those spontaneous hugs and kisses she gave Alessandra could not be anything but genuine.
Even his housekeeper, Marella, had commented on how much happier Alessandra seemed now that Eliza was there. Truth be told, he had found it a little unnerving to see Eliza's relationship grow and blossom with his daughter. He hadn't planned on Alessandra getting so attached to her so quickly. He had felt confident Alessandra's relationship with Kathleen would override any new feelings she developed for Eliza.
And, as much as he hated to admit it, the villa did seem more of a home with the sound of laughter and footsteps going up and down the corridors. Eliza had enhanced his daughter's life in such a short time. Her swimming lessons and her trips to the beach had built his daughter's awareness of the world around her. Eliza's competence and confidence in exposing Alessandra to new things had helped give him the confidence to take this outing today. She had shown him that he could afford to be more adventurous in taking Alessandra out and about more. His little girl might not be able to see the things he so desperately wanted her to see, but she had clearly enjoyed the sunshine and the fresh air and the sound of the water and the sea birds. How much more could he help her experience?
But how could he do it without Eliza?
When they returned from the trip to London there would be less than ten days left before Kathleen returned. She had emailed him and told him she wasn't going to stay in Ireland with her family after all. A couple of weeks ago he would have been thrilled by that announcement.
But now … he wasn't sure he wanted to think about how he felt.
Eliza hadn't been wearing her engagement ring but he had noticed it swinging on a chain around her neck a couple of times. She took care never to wear it when they were in bed together but it irked him that she still clung to it. He knew she wasn't in love with the guy and yet he didn't like to fool himself that she was in love with him instead.
Their arrangement was purely a sexual one, not an emotional one. He was happy with that. Perhaps happy was not the best choice of word-content, satisfied …
OK, frustrated was probably a little closer to how he was feeling. He always felt as if she gave everything of herself physically when they were together but there was a part of her that was still off-limits.
What perverse facet of his personality craved that one elusive part of her that she refused to offer him? It wasn't as if he loved her. He had sworn he would never allow himself to be that vulnerable again. Hadn't he learnt that lesson the hard way in childhood? He had loved his mother and look how she had walked out as if he had meant nothing to her.
He flatly refused to let anyone do that to him again. He had been caught off guard with Eliza four years ago. The sudden death of his father had left him reeling. He had seen something in Eliza that had spoken directly to his damaged soul. He had felt as if they were kindred spirits. He knew that it sounded like some sort of crystal ball claptrap, but it had stayed with him all the same-the sense that they had both experienced bitter disappointment in life and were searching for some way of soothing that deep ache in their psyche. Their physical connection had transcended anything he had experienced before. Even now his body was humming with the aftershocks of their lovemaking last night. No one pleasured him the way she did. He suspected no one pleasured her the way he did, either.