She rested her cheek against his chest but said nothing. Of course it will change, for no other reason than the laird commands it. MacKenzie’s Mouse couldn’t make an ant change direction. “It’s fine Tadhg. I understand.”
“It is not fine and I don’t understand.”
“It’s as I told ye right after we were married, Cnocreidh has been without a mistress for years. I’m sure the sudden change came as a surprise. Don’t be too hard on them. It has been a difficult adjustment.”
He tipped her chin up to look directly into her eyes. “Ye know it was more than that and I shouldn’t have believed ye when ye said it the first time. Jock told me what has been going on.”
She tried to look away, but he held her chin firmly. “Mairead, no matter what some members of the clan thought or hoped, I never considered marrying a clanswoman. Regardless of anything else, my marriage to ye was strategically sound and served the best interests of my clan. I did not think it was necessary to explain this to them. Since becoming laird, I have always considered the good of the clan first. They know that and for that reason alone it was their responsibility to accept and welcome ye as Lady Matheson. I have made it perfectly clear now.”
“I understand.” She gave him a half smile.
“Do ye?”
“Aye, I do.” She understood she was not worthy of their acceptance and respect on her own merit; a command from the laird was required. She did not tell him this.
“Sweetling, even though I know nothing can ever completely replace the recorder your grandfather made, I will get a new one for ye.”
“Please don’t, Tadhg. It is fine, truly it is. I have other instruments. I don’t really want a new one.” She couldn’t explain her feelings about it to him. She feared a replacement would only remind her of her loss every time she played it. In fact, she thought perhaps it best if she put music aside altogether. With what she now believed to be intentional damage done to her harp and the willful destruction of her recorder, the message from the clan was clear.
~ * ~
Although she tried to minimize things, Tadhg had no doubt it wasn’t “fine.” Her eyes were filled with profound sadness, the pain of which was like a knife in his gut. He had never experienced this kind of pain for another person and all he wanted to do was fix it, make things better for her. Only weeks ago, he had vowed to honor her, keep her and guard her and by all accounts he wasn’t doing a very good job of that if his own clan had hurt her so badly. He had promised to love her, too. Was he at least beginning to get that right? Was that the reason he ached so for her?
~ * ~
The next morning, Mairead woke before dawn. The memories of the previous evening came flooding back and with them the shame that accompanied them. She had to face the day and the clan, knowing even in spite of her best efforts, she was unable to earn their respect. Nevertheless, she would receive it now because Tadhg commanded it.
After breakfast, Mairead worked at her tasks for the day and everything went smoothly. Of course things went smoothly. She told herself it had nothing to do with her skill or abilities. With Christmas upon them, there were plenty of things to do to prepare for the upcoming feasts so Mairead stayed busy. Burying fear and doubt in a never-ending stream of tasks had always worked for her before, just as it did now.
Fourteen
Over the next week, Tadhg became concerned about Mairead. He couldn’t quite figure out what was wrong. His entire clan was finally showing Mairead the respect due her and yet she seemed sad and tense. At the midday meal four days before Christmas he asked, “Sweetling, ye seem unhappy to me. Are ye missing your family? Is that what has ye so melancholy?”
“I suppose I do miss them.”
“Well, I had a surprise planned for Christmas Eve, but maybe it will help if I tell ye now. Several days ago, I received a message from your father. Rowan will be spending Christmas with us, before going on to Duncurra, the MacIan stronghold.” He expected joy but instead there was a fleeting moment of panic before she composed herself.
“Why is Rowan going to Duncurra?”
“I don’t have all of the details, but I understand Niall MacIan has asked Rowan to join his elite guard. I’m sure we will learn more once he arrives.”
“Wouldn’t it be a shorter journey for him to travel straight to Duncurra?”
“I suppose it would, but for some reason he wants to visit with ye and Flan,” he teased her.
“He needn’t go out of his way. It is hard enough to travel in the winter months.”
“Mairead, ye are being ridiculous. Rowan wants to see ye and Flan. I thought ye would welcome a visit at Christmas from some of your family.”