As I study the boy, I don’t feel scared of him. I feel peaceful. I don’t feel so alone. I feel comfortable, and even safe. He actually makes me want to smile for the first time in a very long time. Then I realize he has been still for a while, facing my direction as I continue staring at him. I can’t see his face, but I see his hand slowly rise and then he waves at me. I don’t think twice, I turn and run. I follow the path I made through the trees and run back to the house without looking back.
I return home to find my mother asleep on the couch. I sneak past her to make my way to my room. As soon as I’m past the couch, I run into my room and bounce onto my mattress. I lay flat on my back staring up at the ceiling while picturing the boy in my head. I try not to grin as my tummy starts to flutter and feel strange. I’m so curious about him. I feel excited at the thought of going back and seeing him again.
I continue to go back to the elm every day and watch him through the broken fence. I read and write while watching the horses and the boy for hours. He feeds and grooms the horses and even talks to them. It makes me smile and even giggle sometimes. He makes me feel happy, even though we never speak. I imagine him being my friend or maybe even my boyfriend and having conversations with him. I even imagine him holding my hand. I look forward to seeing him every day and those days I don’t see him; I miss him.
Today, I feel giddy. I practically skip all the way to the elm with my journal in hand. I’ve been writing every day and mostly write about him and how he makes me feel. I anxiously look through the break in the fence for him, but he isn’t there, so I curl up under the tree and start writing. I bite my lip as I write about the feelings I have in my tummy when I think about him. All of a sudden, I feel a tingling sensation spread from my head to my toes. My insides grow warm. When I look up from my journal, he’s there. Right in front of me. Only the hole in the fence separating us. He’s so close. I cower even though he’s still on the other side of the fence. He’s much bigger than me and his arms look very strong. He takes a step back while holding his palms out to me, obviously seeing that I’m scared of him. He slowly removes his hat and crouches down as if he’s approaching a scared animal.
“Hey, are you okay? You don’t have to be scared of me. My name is Dillon. What’s yours?”
“Amy,” I whisper. I want to run but I can’t move. I just stare at him. His eyes are big and brown. They’re soft and comforting, but I’m still terrified. My entire body is shaking. I feel tears pooling in my eyes. I hear my mother’s screams in my head.
“I see you here every day. You don’t have to hide. I don’t mind you being here. Do you like the horses?” he asks, glancing back towards the ranch. “I can teach you how to ride.”
I slowly slide my back up against the tree, scraping it against the bark as I stand to me feet. I hug my journal to my chest. “I can’t,” I whimper. Then I turn my back on him and run on wobbly legs back to the house. I take deep breaths and wait for my heartbeat to slow before I go inside to face my mother. She can’t know.
I enter the house with caution because I never know what kind of mood my mother might be in. I open the door and look for her as I creep into the house. I assume she might be asleep so I tip-toe quietly down the hall towards my room, trying not to make the floor squeak. I jump and scream as her hand reaches out to grab me as I pass the door to her room.
“Where were you?” she asks as she holds onto my arm and glares at me.
“Reading,” I squeak out, trying to look her in the eye so she believes that’s all I was doing.
“Why is your face flushed?”
“It’s warm outside.” I slowly start to move towards my room and she lets me, but watches me until I step into the room and close the door. I lock it behind me and lean against it, letting go of the breath I had been holding.
I’ve been too scared to go back to the elm, but I can’t stop thinking about him. After a few days, I finally gather the courage and decide to go back. I sit in my spot beneath the elm, anxiously glancing through the break in the fence every so often as I read Pride and Prejudice again. I’m so nervous, I think I’ve just held the book open to the same page for about an hour now. My nails are chewed down to the bit.
Then I finally see him. That familiar pounding in my heart and flutter in my stomach starts. He is wearing a gray t-shirt that stretches tight across his chest and once again he has on a cowboy hat that shadows his eyes. I know he is looking right at me; I can feel it. He strides towards me with purpose and I stand up quickly, not sure if I should run. I don’t want to. I feel a mixture of anxiety and something else I don’t understand and I stand frozen until he stops just on the other side of the broken fence.