She rolled over and punched her pillow into shape, wrapping her arm around it and closing her eyes. It was only her inherent weakness where he was concerned that made her imagine she was curled against Dec with her arm around his chest.
She didn't even pretend she was thinking of any other man. There was only her in the bedroom and she wasn't about to lie to herself. She was weak where he was concerned and she really had to remember that he was just a man. And he was flawed.
He was a commitmentphobe. Sometimes she was frustrated with herself for never doing anything the easy way. It would have been so much better to fall for Jacob, who worked for the accounting firm that did the independent audit of their books each year and who was always asking her out and who, as he'd told her numerous times, wanted to start a family.
But she wasn't attracted to Jacob. He was safe and a little boring. To be fair, he was a lot like she was and she had always wanted someone a little dangerous. But danger didn't seem fun or exciting now as she lay alone in her bed and wondered how she was going to keep herself from painting Dec as the man she wanted him to be.
Even tonight when he'd said to stop the blame game, she had looked at him and seen guilt and maybe some pain. But as the man who drove a Maserati and told her he didn't want a family, he might not be thinking that he wished he'd known about his son sooner so he could have been with them.
She rubbed her head and tossed, turning over one more time. Biting back a scream of frustration at the way her own thoughts kept circling and making her crazy, she climbed out of bed and went into her home office. She turned on her Eiffel Tower desk lamp and sat down on her padded chaise before grabbing her iPad and pashmina. Time for a little retail therapy. Nothing cleared her mind like shopping did.
And right now she needed to get out of her own head.
But when she turned on her iPad she saw DJ's smiling little face. Those big brown eyes of his looked up at her and she wondered how she could hard-line Dec and keep him out of DJ's life if there was even the slightest chance that he could be the father she hoped he'd be.
She traced her finger over her son's face and knew that no matter what she had to protect him. The best thing to do with Dec and his dating plan was to keep it platonic.
But that wasn't going to be easy. It hadn't taken much for him to get her blood stirring and make her breasts heavy and full. She wanted Dec. Her body felt empty and aching. She wanted to just have more mindless sex with him, but she wasn't stupid. If the last time had had life-changing consequences, this time was even more dangerous.
She had to keep her head together. She opened the Safari web browser and saw the Mommy & Me class page was still open. She'd just signed herself and DJ up for swimming lessons. She leaned her head back against the wall and closed her eyes.
If anyone had told her that a man would have this much influence over her life she would have called him or her a liar. But even though he wasn't her boyfriend and hadn't been in her life for over eighteen months, Declan Montrose was surely the one who was driving every choice she made.
* * *
Dec waited at the entrance to the Santa Monica Pier where Cari had said she'd meet him. He'd grown up taking Saturday trips here with his nanny until he turned ten and his mother had decreed him too old for the amusements. Now as he stood in the mid-August sun on a weekday waiting to meet his own son for the first time, he wondered if he should just give Cari a check to help her out with any child-rearing expenses and walk away.
His mother should have done that. She just hadn't had it in her to be kind and caring, and she'd even told him when he'd asked her why she'd adopted a child that she'd done it so that Thomas Montrose couldn't get his hands on any of her fortune. She'd started to become bitter about being married for her money. He rubbed the back of his neck and shook his head.
"Dec?"
He turned and saw Cari standing a few feet from him. She was dressed for the office in slim-fitting black slacks that she'd paired with a sheer, flimsy-looking long-sleeved blouse. He could see the outline of her bra underneath it. But his eyes were focused on the baby in her arms.
She stood there sort of uncertain, and then she pushed her sunglasses up on her head and smiled at him.
"I knew you'd be here early," she said.
He realized she was nervous, and he thought back to that boy he'd been so long ago and how he'd never been sure around his parents. Never sure that they loved him and really wanted him. Then he looked at the baby in Cari's arms and felt a surge of love for him.
"This is DJ," she said when he walked over to stand next to her.
Dec looked down at his son and felt that strong surge of emotion again, and tears burned his eyes. He kept his head down so she wouldn't see. He'd never felt anything as powerful as he did at this moment. "Can I hold him?"
"Of course," she said. She turned the baby in her arms and handed him over to Dec.
Dec hesitated, feeling awkward and unsure, and the baby made a little noise as he took him into his arms. "Hey there, DJ."
"Mamamama," he said. But it wasn't clean or crisp. His little mouth moved on the word and drew it out. His little hands reached up and Cari snatched Dec's sunglasses a second before DJ's hands got there.
"Sorry, he has a thing for sunglasses and I don't think you'd appreciate him chewing on these," she said.
"It's fine," he said. He was caught up in the fact that DJ was his. Of all the things he'd achieved in his life, this was the most unexpected.
"Want to walk up the pier?" she asked.
"Sure."
"You okay?" she asked when they started walking.
He nodded. He wasn't ready to talk about any of his emotions with Cari or anyone else.
DJ wore a one-piece romper-type suit made of cotton and he smelled like baby powder. His little hands moved on Dec's shoulder as he carried the baby so that they faced each other. Finally he just had to stop and look down at the boy who was muttering different little sounds.
He had a son.
Sure, he'd known that last night, but holding the boy in his arms today made it real. Until this moment he'd been able to think of the future and his own plans, but now he knew that he was going to have to consider this little boy and make sure he was safe and secure. Looking down into his face, he realized he wanted to be a better man.
He never thought or measured himself by anyone else's standards. He'd learned early on that he couldn't please others easily and settled for pleasing himself. Now, though, he wanted to make sure that in DJ's eyes he was always a hero.
The little boy stared up at him and one of his hands came up to touch the side of Dec's face, and he could only look down into that round sweet little face. His own son humbled him. Yet even as he was thinking about how DJ had his eyes, he saw Cari's little nose and that DJ's blond hair came from her, as well.
He glanced around and saw her standing a few feet away, taking a picture with her cell phone. She was giving him privacy to get to know his son and recording this moment for DJ, he guessed.
"Mamama … "
Dec turned to Cari.
"He sometimes means me, but usually he just mutters that a lot," she explained.
"Oh, so what does he do?"
"Mostly what you've observed. He talks and chews on his hand. He does get fussy but I just fed him and changed him so he'd look good for you," she said, coming over to them. "Wanted my little man to look his best when he met you for the first time. What do you think?"
He was humbled. "You did good, Cari."
She laughed. "I had a lot of drugs to help with the birth."
"Did you? I want to hear about that."
"Now?"
He shook his head. "Let's go get some breakfast and talk about what we're going to do now. I'm not sure what you're thinking but I would really like to be a part of his life."
"Okay, let's go talk," she said. She wasn't worried about her sisters seeing them since it was the middle of the morning on a workday.
He led the way to a coffee shop with outdoor seating and reluctantly gave DJ back to Cari to go order some coffee and muffins for them. He watched her through the glass and noticed that other men watched her, as well. She was very attractive, and even holding the baby wasn't a detriment to other men seeing her and wanting her. Dec had to fight against his own jealousy for the first time ever.
He wanted to walk out there and claim both the mother and child as his own. That scared him because he wasn't entirely sure he could have them both. Or what he'd do with them for the long haul. But he knew he had to find the answer to that soon.