She cried because he wouldn’t be with her to give her advice anymore, because of how unfair it all was and because all she wanted to do was curl up in someone’s arms, but she was alone.
She heard her father say her name quietly, and she quickly pulled herself together as much as she could. “What is it, Dad?”
“You’ll be okay, Jessie. I’m not worried about you.”
She closed her eyes and took a shuddering breath, nodding. “Thanks.”
“Call the doctor. I’ll take the medicine now.”
Her mother and sister, who had been standing quietly in the corner of the room moved forward, and the three women huddled together next to his bed. Jessica pressed the call button, and they all three held his hand, waiting silently. He looked each of them in the eye, and his fingers pressed the lightest of squeezes against theirs. He whispered, “I love you so much,” and a single tear slipped down his cheek.
Then he closed his eyes and relaxed his hold. The nurse entered, but none of them looked away from the figure on the bed. Jessica’s mom, her voice calm and firm, said, “You can give him the morphine now.”
* * *
THEY STAYED AT the hospital for two more days, but her dad never regained consciousness. Before he died, Jessica, her mother and her sister each took a few minutes alone to talk to him, despite knowing that he couldn’t hear or respond.
When it was Jessica’s turn, she sat down and held his hand once more. “Hi, Dad.”
She looked at his face. He seemed so peaceful. “I just want you to know I love you. I don’t really know what else to say. You’ve done so much to make my life wonderful. Thank you for everything. I’m going to try to make you proud of me.”
She could practically hear his response to that, and she laughed lightly. “I know you’d say that you’re proud of me no matter what, but you know what I mean. You’ve been telling me these past few months not to let what happened with Russ and your illness affect me, and I finally see what you mean. I didn’t realize I’d been so scared to let anybody get close. I knew I had a wall around my heart, but I couldn’t see how it was hurting me. I’m going to take more risks and keep my heart open, and even if I get hurt again, I’ll be okay.”
She paused for a moment to wipe away a few tears. “You remember that guy I met in Vegas? Cindy tried to find him for me, but I was too late. I waited too long to tell him what I wanted, to try something risky, and by the time I started to figure it out, he was gone. I waited and I lost. I’m not going to make a mistake like that again, Dad. I won’t put that wall back up, and even if I can’t find Aaron, I won’t stop being sparkly, I promise.”
She was crying openly now, but she did nothing to stop the flood as she finished. “I love you, Dad.”
She pressed her face into the bedcovers and wept freely. After a few moments, she looked up, startled. She wasn’t sure if she’d imagined it or it had actually happened, but she’d felt pressure on her hand, as if her dad had squeezed it. Jessica smiled at her father. Whether or not it really occurred didn’t matter.
When he passed away a few hours later, Jessica stood with her sister and mother, holding them close.
The drive to her mother’s home was quiet. It was midday, cold and sunny, but Jessica hardly registered the weather. There were too many things to think about. Her parents, always practical, had created a plan for this situation as soon as her father was diagnosed. Now that he was gone, the house would be going up for sale and her mother would be moving to an apartment near work and her friends.
They’d only owned the house a couple of years, so Jessica wasn’t torn apart at the prospect of selling it, but she worried for her mother. Jessica looked at the older woman as they trudged in the door. She seemed tired, weighed down. The moment she was in the house, however, she went to the living room and began placing the last few pieces of memorabilia in a box that had been sitting in the corner of the room for months.
“Mom, you should take some time to rest,” Jessica said.
Her mom, ever the one for proper etiquette, snorted. “That’s a terrible idea. All the books say to deal with grief by keeping busy and having plans. That’s what I’m doing.”
However much her mother had prepared for this moment, however many books she had read, Jessica could hear the hurt in her voice. “Why not just wait a week or two? Take some time to absorb the situation,” Jessica suggested.
“The apartment is ready. The Realtor has already listed the house. I’m going to get over to my fresh new place and out of here as soon as possible. It’s too big for just me, anyway.”
Jessica thought for a moment, glancing around the house, which looked like a rental home, devoid of mementos. Most of her mother’s things were already over at the new place, with the exception of a few pictures and objects her father had wanted around.
It hurt Jessica to think how long her mother had been waiting for this day to come. “I need to move out of Cindy’s place. What if I came and stayed with you for—”
“Absolutely not,” her mother said, cutting Jessica off before she could even finish the sentence. “You know how your dad and I feel about you coming back to stay at home. You need to live your own life, be an independent woman who doesn’t need her parents. You’re lucky I’m letting you stay the night.”
She knew her mother was just joking. Mostly. She wondered if her mom was using the familiar litany as a way to keep some sense of normalcy. Jessica ran her hand over the back of the old couch before walking over to her mother’s side. “What can I do to help?”
A small smile flitted across her mother’s face. “You can make us something to eat. Between fast food and the muck they served at the hospital, I haven’t had anything decent in far too long.”
Jessica nodded and turned toward the kitchen. Her mother called her name before she made it to the doorway. Jessica faced her mom.
“Jess, you better keep your word about what you said to your father. Don’t let me or any of this stop you from getting out there and finding someone. Love’s too important for that.”
Jessica smiled at her mom. “I will.”
She had no idea what she would do next, but she was at least sure of one thing: she wouldn’t shy away from a chance at a lasting relationship, no matter what happened in the past or what could happen in the future.
12
AARON STORMED OUT of the barn, hardly noticing the sounds of the horses on either side. He didn’t slow his pace until he’d walked to the small creek that went through his land. At the edge, he sat on a rock, the trees growing on the banks shading him from the winter sun, not allowing him even the small amount of warmth it afforded.
He could hear leaves crunch and the swish of brush on denim. Jeremiah had followed him, which he’d expected, but he didn’t want to speak to anyone, not even his best friend. He tried to tell himself that a little peace and quiet would help, but he knew that wasn’t true. It only made things worse.
He could see Jeremiah striding toward him out of the corner of his eye. “I don’t want to talk about it,” Aaron said.
Jeremiah crossed his arms. “Well, you’re going to. You’ve been annoyed ever since Vegas, it seems, and I’m tired of it. Your whole ‘I’m fine’ thing, where you work yourself to the bone with earbuds blasting music while you ignore everyone? It isn’t making things better, if you haven’t figured it out. Tell me what’s going on.”
Aaron felt his frustration boiling. Why couldn’t Jeremiah just leave him alone? Music and hard work were the only things that helped keep thoughts of Jessica out. He didn’t want to think about her, but any moment his mind was free to wander, it always went back to her. He couldn’t even read his book without picturing the way her eyes shone with excitement when he’d told her it was Harry Potter.
Jeremiah sat on the ground, even though it was probably cold and damp. “Seriously, Aaron. Just talk to me. I can help. What did that chick do to you in Vegas?”
She made me fall in love with her.
The thought came to him unbidden, unwanted.
Jeremiah spoke again, but Aaron was only half listening. “You need to deal with whatever issues that trip brought up if you ever want life to get back the way it was.”
The way it was. That was what he had been trying to do for days. But he hated the way it was, now that he knew how it could be. Aaron had always thought of love as giving up independence, but what good was independence if the right person was out there and the only thing he could think of was how much it sucked not being with her because of a stupid misunderstanding?
Even if she didn’t want to talk to him, he had to get in touch with her and try to set things right, see if there was any way to move past it. The past few days had made it abundantly clear that he was in it far deeper than he’d let himself believe. For years, he’d refused to become attached to a woman, and now here he was, completely addicted.
Not addicted. In love.
His mind knew it was ridiculous to feel that way about a woman he’d only known a few days, but his soul was stubborn. It was the first time he’d ever felt like that about anyone, and he wasn’t going to just let that go.