Her Secondhand Groom(100)

“No?”

“No,” he said. “I―I never meant to hurt you, Juliet, I was just―”

“So in love with Abigail, you felt your loyalty lay with her?” she supplied for him.

He winced. “That’s what this is about?”

“Of course it is. What did you think it was about?”

Color rose in his cheeks. “My use of French letters.”

Her eyebrows snapped together. “What?”

“French letters, cundums, sheaths, they’re all the same thing,” he explained. “You’re not angry I didn’t tell you?”

She pursed her lips and sighed. “No. For as much as I should be angry with you for using them without my knowledge, I can’t fault you that. Had I been wearing my spectacles, I would have known. But since I wasn’t―” she shrugged― “I was at your mercy to keep me informed. And we both know that wasn’t an opportune time to mention it.” Heat rose in her cheeks at the memories of their intimate encounters. Now it made sense why it took him a few seconds to get himself ready for their joining. Usually during those moments she was too lust-fogged or coming down from her euphoric state of pleasure to take note of his brief absence.

“So you’re not angry at me for omitting to mention that I was―”

“No,” she said flatly. “For all your plethora of other faults, I know you’re not a liar, Drake. I know you would have told me had I asked.”

“If you knew that, then what’s the problem?”

Rage built up in her chest at his casual tone. “The problem isn’t your use of French letters exactly, but the reason you were using them.”

His eyes narrowed. “I don’t understand.”

“No, I’m sure you don’t.” She sighed. “It doesn’t matter, Drake. You’ve already made your decision.”

“And which decision would that be?”

“Your insistence that I not conceive,” she burst out bitterly.

“I thought you said this wasn’t about the sheath.”

“It’s not.”

He eyed her askance. “Are you sure, because it seems to me that we keep coming back to it?”

“No we’re not,” she snapped. “The fact is, you don’t wish to have any more children. Not mine anyway.”

“I never said that.”

“Didn’t you?”

“No. That’s not what I said. I never said anything about not wanting more children.”

Juliet’s mind raced to recall their heated exchange last week. She remembered him saying something about conception, then about his three daughters, but nothing specifically about him not wanting more children. She shook her head. “You may not have said anything about not wanting them, but I know the truth, Drake. You don’t want me to conceive because I’m not Abigail. You might think you’ve grown to love me, and you truly may, but I’m not her and the children I could give you―” She broke off, emotion choking her too tightly to continue.

Drake stepped closer to her. He lowered his lashes and swallowed. “That’s not the reason at all, Juliet. It’s not that I don’t want to have children with you, it’s that I don’t want to lose you.”

“Lose me?”

He nodded. “At first I was afraid to get you with child because I was afraid my girls would lose another mother in childbed. That’s why I bought the French letters. But that’s not why I wore them. By the time we consummated our marriage, something had changed between us and I wasn’t so much afraid of the girls losing another mother, but selfish bastard that I am, I was afraid of losing the woman I love.”

Juliet’s heart softened a trifle and Drake wrapped his warm fingers around her hands. “Juliet, I always thought I loved Abigail, and don’t misunderstand, I did love her and I’ll always have a spot in my heart that belongs to her for giving me Celia, Helena and Kate, but I never loved her the way I love you.” He swallowed, and when he spoke again, his voice was thick, full of emotion. “I was eighteen when I married her. Far too young to know what true love was about. I thought I knew, but it wasn’t until I met you that I realized the difference. With Abigail, I found myself always looking out for her, and with you, I’ve found someone I’m looking squarely in the eye. You’re strong, confident, and far more intelligent than most. But more importantly, you suffer no inability to put me in my place. You’re my equal and I don’t want to lose you like I lost her.”

“Just because she had complications and died during childbirth doesn’t mean I will, too,” she pointed out.