"You seriously ended the relationship before it had even began, over a little gossip?" Dr. Grimes asked.
"It was more than a little gossip. People had already been implying that I'd slept my way into this internship, there were photos of us on the gossip blogs … I couldn't deal with it anymore. I didn't need more questions about my professional reputation. Not when I've been at this hospital for less than two months."
"Michelle," Dr. Grimes reasoned, "no one that really matters to your career thinks any less about you. There is a couple of jealous interns spreading rumors. I'm going to make sure that their harassment is nipped in the bud. The committee that hired you-of which I was a part-we all know exactly why you were offered this internship. Anyone else who has worked closely with you understands as well. You're brilliant."
Her words sent a warm feeling across my chest, but I needed to reconfirm why I'd ended things with Lex.
"Lex and I had only been dating a few days," I told her. "I just didn't think it was worth the risk."
"Perhaps it wasn't," Dr. Grimes replied. "But you'll never know unless you give it a shot."
I only nodded. I wasn't really sure what to think at this point.
"I know it's none of my business," Dr. Grimes continued when I didn't speak. "But I'm going to give you a piece of advice. I've had a long and successful career. I've sacrificed a lot for it. One of the things I sacrificed was a family. I've never been married, never had kids. I haven't even had that many long-term relationships. I could never find the time in my busy schedule. I always thought I did the right thing, but I often ask myself if it was worth it-if I'd really needed to sacrifice so much, whether or not I could've actually had both. I just want you to know this, and to be sure you're making the right decision for yourself."
Finally lifting my eyes, I studied her grave face. She'd always seemed so self-assured and confident; it was hard to imagine that she had regrets.
"I had best get back to work and I know your shift is about to begin. Just think about what I said." Dr. Grimes offered me a friendly pat on the back before turning and walking out of the locker room.
Her words ran through my mind all morning. I really needed someone to talk to about all of this. Sucking up my courage, I sent Lori a text, apologizing for my actions over the last few days and asking to meet for lunch again. I swore I wouldn't walk out this time, no matter how tense things may become.
"Hey," I said hesitantly as Lori sat down beside me at a table in the cafeteria.
"I feel like I'm the one who needs to apologize," she blurted out. "I was just awful to you the other day. I think I was still pissed that you'd walked out before and then ignored me for over a week. Plus, I was just stressed about other stuff-money has been tight, and I haven't been spending enough time at home with Gabby-and I took it out on you. So I'm sorry. I know you don't care how rich he is; I was out of line."
"I'm sorry too," I said, giving Lori a tight hug. "I know I said it over the text, but I needed to say it in person as well. You had every right to be upset with me. I've been acting crazy lately."
"What's going on?" Lori asked, still concerned after all I'd put her through.
"I don't deserve you as a friend," I said with a smile. I then divulged everything that had happened over the last few weeks. I confessed to having sex with Lex for the first time without a condom and the subsequent pregnancy scare that still loomed over our heads. I admitted to my initial struggle over my feelings for Lex and my reservations about making our relationship public knowledge. I then told her about my fear of always having to be the one to sacrifice and how the relationship had opened myself up to even more gossip, so I'd been forced to end it before it had even really begun.
"What do you mean by that?" Lori asked. "You keep talking about sacrifice, like you've had to do it before."
And so I told Lori about Scott.
"I chose a school in Chicago just to be with him," I said. "I never had time to develop any real friendships. I wasn't able to get involved at all on campus. Any time I wasn't in class or studying, I was with Scott. I cooked him meals. I cleaned our apartment. I tried so hard to be a good girlfriend. And it was all for nothing. Do you know what the worst part was?" I asked, blinking back tears.
"What?" Lori said.
"When he broke up with me, he actually called me fat. Said I wasn't willing to work to keep him interested. All I'd done was work to keep him interested. I'm not going to do that again."
"You shouldn't do that again," Lori agreed. "The guy sounds like an abusive prick! But … "
"But what?" I asked between sobs.
"Has Lex given you any indication that he's like that?" I shook my head, and she continued. "Does he seem to have a problem with your body?"
"No," I said with a smile. "He actually seems rather fond of my body."
"Michelle," Lori put her hand on mine, "I think you're comparing Lex to Scott, when they are two very different people. Has Lex ever expected you to sacrifice your work or your personal time for him?"
I thought about what she was asked for a few moments.
"He did suggest that I take some time off, if I was pregnant," I answered.
"Don't you think that's a little understandable?" she asked. "He's from Russia, I heard they take three year maternity leaves there. Plus, his mother probably never even worked and just took care of the kids."
"I guess," I replied. "But he also doesn't seem concerned at all about the rumors that our relationship has caused."
"And you shouldn't be either. Just think about it, Michelle," Lori continued. "I don't like Makarov, I'll be the first to admit that. But from what you're telling me, he's never been anything but a good boyfriend so far."
Lori was right, and I thought about what she'd said long after our lunch ended. Lex wasn't like Scott. Not really. They were both cocky and always seemed to have smug grins on their faces. But underneath that smug grin, Lex was sweet and caring and so protective. And he loved me just as I am, he didn't want to change me in any way.
I thought back to our time in Key West. Yes, that was a vacation fantasy, not real life. But Scott had never behaved in such a way-so gentle and kind. I thought back to the moment I'd walked out of Lex's office for the last time-the painful look on his face. He'd seemed utterly crushed, and I kicked myself now for making him feel that way when he'd always gone out on a limb to make me feel good-at least since we'd come to a better understanding about each other.
No, I didn't want to sacrifice my job for a relationship, but was I really willing to sacrifice love as well?
When I was with Scott, at that time I'd thought I'd been in love with him. But it had never felt like this.
And that was my answer. What I gained through my relationship with Lex was so much more than the things I was being forced to sacrifice. I didn't know what to do next; all I knew was that I needed to make things right with Lex.
I went to my follow up doctor appointment with a heavy heart, and the thought of potential pregnancy was the furthest thing from my mind.
Chapter 21
"What do you want, Michelle?" Lex asked after opening his door. He looked even more pathetic than the last time I'd shown up on his doorstep, announcing my affections. His eyes were bloodshot and hollow and he didn't look like he'd showered in days.
"Can I come in?" I asked
"That's a bad idea," he replied, not budging from his place in the doorway. "I think you should leave."
"Lex, please just let me say my peace. Then, if you want me to go, I'll go."
"Fine," he said, "but you can say what you need to say right here on the porch."
I bit down on my sarcastic reply, reminding myself that he had every right to be angry with me. I had, after all, broken up with him for no reason. I had punished him for my own insecurities. I needed to prove to him that I regretted how I acted.
"I'm sorry," I began, thinking that was the best place to start. "I am so sorry. People started talking about us, and I freaked out. I treated you unfairly and if I could take it all back, I would."
"But you can't," Lex said, sounding unmoved.
"I can't," I agreed. "But I want to make it better. I want to fix this. I want to fix us."
"I don't think we can be fixed," Lex replied.
That statement tore through me, practically ripping my heart out of my chest. He's hurting, I reminded myself. There had to be a way for me to fix this, I just had to figure out how.
"Look," I began. "I know I was in the wrong-on a lot of levels. I didn't treat you fairly about the extra work you were giving me, or about the pregnancy, or even about the consequences of our relationship going public. I have been made aware that I'd been allowing insecurities from an old relationship dictate how I reacted in this one, and that wasn't fair to you."
"And if I let you in?" Lex asked. "What then? What's to say you won't keep treating me that way? What's to say that I won't take you back only to have you walk out on me again next week?"
"Nothing," I admitted in barely a whisper. "Nothing except how much I love you and how much I'm willing to fight for you-even if that fight is against my own insecurities. You're amazing, and I am going to spend the rest of my life making it up to you-even if you won't let me in tonight. I promise. I'm not giving up."