Her Hometown Hero(30)

"Sage, I'm sorry," Spence said, immediately crouching down.

"I'm fine," she said as the sob bubbled up and escaped through her tight throat.

"You are nowhere near fine," he said as he opened the truck door and got  her inside. She didn't want to be in there but somehow found herself  shivering on his front seat.

"I don't want to drive anywhere," she told him, nearly eaten alive by panic.

"Then we'll just sit here and keep warm."

She could handle that. "I wanted so badly to save her," she said, anguish clearly coming through.

"She couldn't be saved, Sage. As soon as I did the first assessment, saw  the damage, I knew we wouldn't save her," Spence said, making her head  whip around as she replayed his words.

"Wha-what? What do you mean?"

"She wasn't going to make it. The internal damage was too great. A rib  had pierced her heart and both lungs. She was hemorrhaging. With the  condition of the roads and the delay in the emergency call, it took too  long for her to get here. Nothing we did from that point forward was  going to help."

"Then why did you tell me to save her, damn you?" Sage was seething. She  needed somewhere to direct her anger, and Spence had just given her the  perfect target.                       
       
           



       

"Because that's what we do, Sage. We work on the hopeless and sometimes  there's a miracle. We work until we can't work any longer so we can tell  the parents we did absolutely everything we could. We work until that  child is no longer with us, even when we know it's of no use."

"Why didn't you keep working, then? I'm just a resident-a freaking  first-year resident. I've only been in training for a little over six  months. I don't know everything, not at all. You gave up. You shouldn't  have given up."

"It's something you had to learn. You had to know that you can fight to  the death if you have to, but that you will survive when the worst  happens. And you will, Sage. You'll hurt for a little while and then  you'll come back in and do this all over again. Sometimes you'll win and  sometimes you'll lose, but the point is that you will survive."

When Spence reached toward her, she jerked away, angry with him even  though she could see some logic to his words. He was, in essence, her  teacher-and to do his job right, he needed to teach her everything he  could. But this lesson hurt too badly-was still hurting her too  badly-for her to forgive him just yet.

"I'm going to drive now, Sage. I know you haven't eaten anything all  day, and you need to get something in you before you make yourself  sick." He put the truck in reverse and started moving.

Sage should have left, stepped from the truck, but though she was mad at  him, she also wanted his comfort, wanted not to be alone. They drove  for a while, heading toward the city instead of Sterling. She watched  fat snowflakes fall against the windshield as she and Spence reached  downtown Billings, where lights lined the streets and people rushed from  vehicles to restaurants and stores. The city was alive even with the  snow. It continued forward even if one of its residents had been  tragically taken from them.

"If you let it, this will kill you, Sage. If you get too attached, start  blaming yourself, you will fail again and again. You can't grieve over  your patients, and you can't hold yourself responsible. You have to work  as hard and as fast as you can, but you have to remember that you're  only human-there's only so much you can do. Sometimes, God has a  different plan."

It was odd, but the sound of his voice was soothing her, making her feel  somehow just a bit better. He wasn't saying anything she hadn't heard  before, but when faced with life and death and coming out on the losing  end, she'd found it difficult to remember what she'd been taught.

"I understand that, Spence. But it's still easier said than done."

"Yes, but you can find the balance you need to find. You'll know how to  care just the right amount, enough that you'll work your hardest, but  not so much that you lose yourself. You're a fighter, Sage, and you'll  be an advocate for your patients. That's all anyone can hope for from a  doctor. Be strong, but don't be afraid to lean on others."

"I guess the hardest part is that so many people live who will go back  to abusing drugs, or cheating on a spouse, or beating their children. So  many people get their lives saved who turn around and throw that life  away. And then, suddenly, there's this six-year-old girl on your table  who woke up that morning to ask how many more days until Christmas, who  might have gone outside and built a snowman, who'd just begun school and  had an entire future ahead of her. And she's the one who goes. It's  just not fair."

"No, none of it's fair, Sage. All I know is that we take an oath to help  everyone who seeks us. We take an oath not to judge, to do all we can.  Sometimes we do have to help people who the world might be better off  without. You can never know that, though, and sometimes we lose someone  so precious I don't know how the world can survive the loss. Sometimes  the day doesn't bring us anything at all. This is a job-a job we love, a  job that helps people, but it is a job. You have to leave it at the  hospital when you step through those doors. You can't carry it home with  you, and you can't shoulder the burden all alone."

He was right. Of course he was right. And it was helping to talk it out,  but she couldn't think about it anymore, couldn't keep focusing on this  loss. She had to get her mind off it or she'd be weepy all night.

He stopped the truck, and the snow quickly enveloped them in a cocoon,  invisible to the people passing by as it piled up on his windshield and  the side windows fogged. It felt like they were the last two people in  the world.
                       
       
           



       
"I'm sorry I didn't warn you-sorry I put you through that," he said as he pulled her close to him and wrapped her in his arms.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you," she said, though she felt only a smidgen of remorse.

He chuckled softly as he laid her head on his shoulder. Then he was  rubbing her back, moving his hand in slow, easy motions that were  draining the last of her tension.

"I care about you, Sage," he whispered in her ear.

She was too vulnerable right now to hear this. She might actually believe him if she wasn't careful.

"Ditto, Doctor," she said, trying to lighten the mood.

"Good. Because I plan on being around for a very long time." He pulled back so he could look into her eyes.

What was he trying to say to her? Were they now officially a couple? It  wasn't as if grown-ups tended to define this sort of thing, which could  really make it confusing. If he kissed her in the backseat of his car,  or in this case, the front seat of his truck, did that make them an  item? It was all so confusing, but she was grateful to focus on their  relationship-or nonrelationship-instead of her patient's blond curls.

"Take me home with you, Spence." She was a bit shocked that the words  popped from her mouth, but as soon as they were out, she didn't regret  them. He'd invited her to spend the night, after all, and she was ready  to do that. Ready to feel.

"Oh, Sage, you're killing me," he groaned. He lowered his mouth and  kissed her, a gentle, sweet kiss that had her sighing into his mouth.  "This isn't the right time." He drew away, breathing heavily.

Hurt flashed through her. "I thought . . . you wanted me." Was she  actually going to be rejected again by this man? Had she not learned her  lesson? He'd been pushing her for so long now, and when she was ready  to accept what he was offering, he suddenly wanted to take the offer  back. She didn't think she could endure anything else today. Tears were  so close to the surface.

"I want you more than it's possible to say, Sage. I could show you, but I  don't want to embarrass us both. I could tell you that I'm just  following through on our date, or that it would be better for you not to  be alone, but I'd know that it was my own selfishness, that I was  taking advantage of you when you've just gone through a seriously  traumatic experience. I'd be the worst kind of subhumanoid if I took you  to bed tonight."

She looked at him with surprise. Was he really a prince come to sweep  her off her feet? What man was this noble? It couldn't have been  rehearsed. There was no doubt now that she was falling in love with him.  And it didn't bother her one whit.

"I want to make love to you, Spence. I want it more than anything," she  said as she boldly ran a finger up his chest and across his hard jaw. He  shuddered, which gave her a measure of satisfaction.