Dylan hadn’t been back at Jeddy’s in, what, two years? Last time he was here was with a group of guys from work, after a fire, when in the bowels of the night they’d found themselves embraced by soot, dead tired, and starving. No ramen noodles or scrambled eggs back at the station would do, so they’d come here.
His balls greeted him nicely. OK—their balls. Because it had been the trio who had invented the famous cardboard, be-balled icon at Jeddy’s, a combination of some wicked bad peyote and Mike’s college job working at Newbury Comics. Old Madge had helped, offering up an ancient server’s uniform, and the balls had been Jill’s idea. Dylan’s Joey Tribiani imitation stuck —a little too well, because he was known as Joey until they’d finished college.
“You two,” Madge greeted them, shaking her head, lips pursed in an expression that was either pleasure or disgust. Dylan didn’t think the difference mattered much at her age. Or with her temperament. How the hell do you serve drunk frat boys, homeless glue sniffers and post-coital munchie seekers for six decades and not become—
Was that? Mike elbowed him. No way.
No.
Fucking.
Way.
From behind, he couldn’t quite tell whether it was Laura, but he had to be dreaming. She sat at a booth, hunched over a plate, blond hair in need of a combing, the woman across from her looking like a greasy chihuahua posing as a human dancer. Teeny tiny and hyped up, eager and craning to look at something.
Him?
Them?
“Is that Laura?” Mike whispered furiously as they followed Madge, who threw two menus down on the scarred formica table and walked off unceremoniously. Dylan slid in on his side, ass catching something, impeding his fluid movement. Duct tape. He wiggled his ass to settle down the torn edge, then froze.
“What? You’re crazy, man. What are the chances she’d be—”
“Come to claim your third?” Madge’s gravelly voice nearly made Dylan laugh. She sounded like a caricature of an old South Boston woman combined with Harvey Fierstein.
Mike’s eyes bugged out of his head, shifting between the blond in the booth and Madge. “Our third?” His voice sounded like Peter Brady going through puberty.
“Someone grab your balls too tight tonight?” Madge rasped, clenching the plastic balls in her hand. She nodded toward the warlock waitress. “You ever gonna cart this monstrosity away?”
“Oh!” Mike groaned. “You mean him?” He pointed at the cardboard cut out.
“What other third would I be talking about?” she asked, incredulous, her hand batting the testicles and shooting Dylan a dirty look. “You two are too old to come in here drunk,” she chided.
Mike sighed, his lips buzzing as the air left him and he and Dylan buried themselves in the menu. “God damn, Dylan. We need to figure all this out.”
The last notes of some Meatloaf song faded out and then the all-too-familiar first chords of AC/DC’s “You Shook Me All Night Long” filled the air. The blond’s head began tapping out the beat and the ratty little brunette with her looked like Will Ferrell playing a cowbell. Could that really be Laura?
Nah.
Why did the brunette keep staring at him? She huddled with the blonde, who fake-scratched her head and tried to do that sly thing where you look behind yourself without making it obvious.
“Chipotle maple sausage and a five-scoop sundae for me,” Mike announced. “Fried green tomatoes, too. Double order.”
“Swear to God, Mike. Look at her. It’s Laura.” Just then, Madge appeared, dragging the warlock waitress with her. Julian Sands seemed to be judging their meal choices.
“The third in your threesome,” Madge announced grandly. The frat boys at the other table all did a spit-take in unison, bursting into good-natured laughter.
And then the brunette froze. The blonde turned slowly, the folds of her neck reluctant to complete the motion, her arm reaching back as if through water, her body needing to know but so—
Yes. It was Laura.
And boy was she pissed.
“Motherfucker!” she hissed. “They’re following me?”
“So that is them? Holy shit, Laura, they’re more scrumptious in person than online.” Josie actually licked her lips and said, “I wish they were on the menu.”
Threesome? Had Madge actually said something about a threesome with them? Were they that open with everyone but her? Why on earth would a dried-up old octogenarian speak openly about their sex life like this?
“Warlock Waitress here wants you to take her home. Have your way with her. Give her the complete sex change she’s entitled to,” she heard Madge joke, a raspy smoker’s laugh rumbling after.