Some things were just too personal to share even with her best friend. Laura was going steadily mad and if the itching didn’t stop she was going to scream. Rubbing her butt against her kitchen chair wasn’t working, damn it— why on earth had she ever bought vinyl covered seats? With good old upholstery at least she could have scratched her butt in a way that gave her some friction—and some relief.
This itching was slowly penetrating her every conscious move, making her one big, non-stop twitch, and she’d only been conscious for an hour. Two cups of coffee hadn’t helped. Finally, Josie, who had finished four cups to Laura’s two, cocked her head and said, “What in the hell are you doing, Laura? You look like a nine-year-old boy who just had an ice cream fest and a few shots of espresso.”
“I am just not comfortable.” Understatement of the year. Rub rub rub.
“Did you pick something up from one of the two guys you fucked within twenty-four hours?”
Ouch. “Oh please, it wasn’t within twenty-four...and you can’t get...oh, I don’t even want to go there. Shut up, Josie.” She reached behind and scratched her ass.
“You’re scratching your ass in public. I mean, man—”
“We’re not in public—we’re in my apartment.”
“I am public. I am a human being.”
“No, you’re not. You’re my best friend.”
“You...what is going on?” Now Laura couldn’t help herself and start to scratch her breast. Her nipple was throbbing with the hot, torturous itch that plagued her ass as well. “Why on earth are you scratching your boob?”
“Because it itches.”
“Come on Laura, that’s not what I meant.” Josie’s exasperation showed in her tone and, finally, Laura couldn’t stand it anymore. She stood up, pulled her pants down, pulled down her underwear halfway and reached for the tube of hydrocortisone cream that she’d shoved in her purse to take to work.
“Laura, oh, my God.”
“What?” Laura twisted around and stared at her own ass. Yup. It wasn’t any better this morning. What had started out as a series of small mosquito bites was now a minefield of red, hot flesh, swollen up into these enormous hive-like bites. When she had returned home from her date with Mike, she’d realized pretty quickly what had happened. While making love outside in nature, in a field, on top of a mountain, with the most incredible view possible— both of nature and of Mike’s body— had been earth shattering, quite literally, the reality of nature had set in.
On her butt.
She had about fifty mosquito bites all over her ass down her legs, up her chest, and one had managed to land on her left breast areola. Those zaps? Those zings of pleasure? Not arousal! Nature’s vampires.
As she smeared the hydrocortisone cream all over the top of her ass, Josie just shook her head and laughed, folding in half as she held her gut, tears streaming down her face.
Laura tried pointedly to ignore her but couldn’t help it. “It itches.”
“Oh, Laura, that is awful. On your boob.”
“Yeah, I know.” She pulled her pants up and went over to the kitchen sink to wash her hands. “How do you think it feels?”
“Well, I don’t know how it feels. I’ve never fucked somebody on the top of a mountain where a bunch of mosquitoes decided to feast on me.” She snickered. “If a mosquito bites you in the ass is that some way...is that nature’s version of oral sex?”
“Oh, stop it.”
“You don’t have any on your, you know—on your hoo-ha?”
“Hoo-ha? Who calls it a hoo-ha?”
Josie fanned herself and faked a southern accent. “You know me. I was raised in Virginia, I’m a good old Southern lady.”
“You’re from Ohio.”
“I was joking.”
“And besides....Lady? Yeah, right. Like you’re a lady.”
“Take some Benadryl for that, you’ll thank me.”
“But Benadryl makes me sleepy.”
“Really? I mean, because, if you don’t do something more drastic you’re going to go to work and you’re going to look like a hyena who ate twenty-five Mexican jumping beans. You’re a lot better off looking like you’re just a little sleepy or hung over on antihistamines.”
Laura thought about that one for a minute. It’s not like she had a really busy work day. Could she just call in sick? Oh, no. The monthly management meeting was today. Shouldn’t really have to do anything, but she had to be there.
“Yeah, you’re right. Maybe if I take some Benadryl, it’ll make it easier to get through the monthly meeting anyhow.”