“Doctor Harper Harper Harper,” Jersey says, getting off the ground and standing up to meet the main man.
“Jersey, Jersey, Jersey … how are you doing today?”
“I got chapstick.”
“I can see that. What flavor is it?” Doc Harper gestures for us to follow him into one of the exam rooms. He knows better than to have us wait in there. Jersey is pure hell to keep out of the tongue depressors and cotton balls; the waiting room is safer for everyone until the doctor is ready to see him.
“Grape. It’s very grapey. Come on, Mickey Mouse, come with us.” Jersey holds out his hand for Mick.
Mick hesitates, looking from the doctor to me to Jersey.
“You’re welcome to join us if you’d like,” Doc Harper says, giving me a knowing smile.
“He’s not with me,” I say, holding up my hands at my chest and waving them back and forth. “He’s Jersey’s new BFF.”
The doctor stops and frowns at all of us.
“Nah, man, I know her,” says Mick, his face going a little red. “It’s not like that. I’m with her too.” He glares at me.
“What?” I say, mystified as to why I’m on the shit list now.
“That’s fine,” says the doctor, walking again. “If Jersey wants one of his sister’s friends to join us, I’m okay with it.”
“I can wait out here, that’s fine,” Mick says, backing up towards his chair.
“No! Come on, Mickey Mouse.” Jersey leans over and takes his hand, pulling on it really hard.
Mick stops his retreat.
I thank the stars that he knows enough not to fight Jersey on this. When the little turd gets something in his head, there’s not a whole lot that will get it out until he’s good and ready. There are times when we put our foot down and tell him no and then deal with the fallout, but the doctor’s office is not one of those places.
I mouth the words, Thank you, at Mick as he walks by, but he doesn’t acknowledge me at all. I grit my teeth together to keep from following up my gratitude with a little F-U action. How dare he not be under my spell, forgiving me for everything I do wrong with just a bat of my long black eyelashes. What’s up with that?
Once we’re all in the room with Jersey on the exam table, Mick standing in the corner of the room, and me in the chair, the doctor begins his examination.
“So, Jersey, what’s new?” He feels Jersey’s skull through his hair. I have no idea why he always does that. Maybe he’s checking for bumps. The kid is pretty klutzy.
“I got a chapstick and I’m not an asshole so I don’t eat it. See?” He holds it out in front of him, waiting to make sure the doctor is giving him his full attention. “I put it on …” He smears it all around his mouth. “….And then I lick it off.” His tongue comes out and gives the lower half of his face a bath.
The doctor is used to Jersey’s b.s., so he doesn’t even crack a smile. “Interesting. Can I see that chapstick?”
“Yes. And you can use it too.” Jersey hands it over.
The doctor squints as he reads the label. “I’m not sure using too much of this chapstick will be a good idea for you, Jersey. Do you want to know why?” He hands the chapstick back.
“Yes. I want to know why. I always want to know why.”
“Because it has a lot of ingredients in it that might eventually irritate the skin on your face. And when you put it on your lips, it gets on your face too. Do you understand?”
Jersey sits there silently, and I tense up when I see the mutinous expression begin to appear on his face.
“Oh, man, that’s not good,” says Mick. “I got a rash from a chapstick once. I stayed awake all night scratching it. When I woke up the next day, I looked like a clown with a big red mouth.”
Jersey whips his head sideways to look at Mick, his expression now closer to terror. “I hate clowns.”
Mick nods. “Yeah, man. Me too. They freak me out.”
“Clowns freak me out,” says Jersey, turning back to the doctor. “Here. You take it.” He gives him the chapstick.
Doctor Harper puts it in his pocket. “I’m going to give you a special chapstick that you can use one time after each meal, okay? Three times a day. That’s all. If you only use it three times a day, there will be no rash.”
“Does it taste good?”
“Not really,” the doctor says, frowning. “Is that a problem?”