"Pot. Kettle. Black, dude," Gemma said as Astrid giggled and Ethan banged his head on a tree again.
"Now," Ethan growled.
"I'm coming," Astrid said as she took me into a tight hug. "You will be careful and kill anything that looks at you sideways. Do you understand me?"
"Yep."
"You'll kill it? Not just maim it or hurt it a little?"
"I will kill it," I said firmly.
She narrowed her eyes and gave me one last hug before Ethan attempted to pull her from the room. I idly stroked a monkey that had wrapped itself around my waist and gave my cousin a little shove.
"Go. I promise if I need anything I will call."
"Okay, but you will be taking the babies." She reached into her pocket. "Here."
In her palm Beyonce, Abe, Rachel and Ross danced around and beat the tar out of each other. She was offering me her tiny yet very destructive baby Demons.
"Are you sure?" I asked as I tried not to bounce with excitement. I loved the baby Demons. They were a little difficult to control, but they were as protective as the Hell Hounds.
"I'm sure. Just don't let them go to strip clubs and keep them away from really evil Demons unless you want them to eat them. If that happens, don't watch. Trust me on that. Oh, and I heard you did the nasty with the Angel of Death."
"What the Hell?" I shouted. How did everyone know all the details of my sex life?
"Just use condoms when you nail him or you too could have a ten-headed baby," she warned with a shit-eating grin on her face.
"Dixie and the Angel of Death cannot reproduce unless they bond," The Kev informed the room. It seemed he only used his accent when he felt like it.
"You sure about that?" Astrid asked. "I'm mean, no one in their right fucking mind would have called my pregnancy."
"Quite sure." The Kev nodded with certainty. "That's the way it goes with two Tru. . ."
He stopped abruptly and blanched.
"Did you almost just reduce us all to dust?" Gemma shouted. Her skin began to glow and sharp talons burst from her fingertips.
The Kev stood silently and nodded. What the Hell did Gemma turn into? From her claws alone it looked frightening.
"Does anyone know if this turning to dust shit is actually true?" Astrid demanded.
"No," The Kev admitted. "But I refuse to test the theory."
The Kev had almost dropped a huge piece of the puzzle in my lap. I was grateful he hadn't let the entire sentence slip. Turning to dust wasn't on my agenda today. However, I was pretty sure I knew exactly what the rest of his sentence was and I didn't know if that made me happy or freaked out.
"Astrid, are you done?" Ethan asked through clenched teeth.
"Will you have mercy sex with the miserable pregnant lady when we get to wherever we're going?"
"Yes. Yes, I will."
"Then I'm done."
They left.
"All right, my little snickerdoodle. Gemma and I are going to scout to see if we can find anything out about the magical imbalance. You will take the tiny ones and go to Carl, Myrtle and Janet. We will see you in a couple of days."
Gemma not so discreetly shoved a box of condoms into my hand and winked. "Better safe than sorry." She giggled and they disappeared.
I stared at the little Demons in my hands.
"If Mommy say no bad booby titty woowoo bars, will you take us to car dealership?" Abe asked sweetly.
"Are you going to eat the car salesmen?"
"Of course we eat the sellers of cars. They tasty," Beyonce yelled.
"Then um, no. However I have a bad feeling you are going to find a lot to eat in the very near future." I knew evil was coming quickly and soon.
"Yayayayayayayay!" Ross and Rachel squealed. "You so fun, Dixie."
"Thank you. I think. You guys ready to go?"
“We be borned ready," Abe informed me.
"That's what scares me," I mumbled as they laughed like little hyenas. I hoped to Hades it wasn't a mistake to take them, but what was done was done.
Chapter 24
Why did it surprise me that the commissary lunches on Earth were more heinous than the commissary lunches in Hell? While I could occasionally identify the lumps on my plate in Hell, I had no idea what graced my tray today.
Thankfully despite the crowd in the student center I found an empty table. I knew if I sat there it would stay empty. How in the Hell did I become such a pariah? I was starting to get a complex.
Everyone was buzzing about Skunkgate. The aroma of skunk still lingered. Mixed with the culinary delights served by the lunch ladies it was positively nauseating. Watching Myrtle feign outrage at the Skunkgate perpetrators during World Religions made my boring day more tolerable. I glanced down at the mystery meat on my tray and my gag reflex kicked in. Tomorrow I was skipping lunch.