"Me too," Janet whispered.
"Okay. Carl, take the girls to the car. I'm going find Astrid, say hi and get the Hell out of Dodge." I pushed them toward what used to be the front door.
"Be careful, Dixie," he said as he ushered my little faux family out.
"Will do."
Using my nose I headed toward my cousin, carefully avoiding the quicksand and random bottomless cliffs. Mother Nature had done a doozy on Astrid's abode. I couldn't remember her doing anything this drastic to my dad. . .ever.
"God damn it," Astrid yelled. "Dixie, do I smell you? Are you here in this leafy shitstorm?"
"Um. . .yep," I called out. "Not sure how to find you."
"I'll just magic your ass to me. Stay still. It might hurt."
"Awesome," I mumbled as I wrapped my arms around myself and prayed to Satan I wouldn't lose a body part.
"Astrid, don't worry about it," Grandma Gigi shouted. "I have her. We'll come to you."
She did have me and I wasn't sure if it was any safer than having my cousin magic me. Violently I was yanked inside a glittery teal tornado funnel and ended up plastered against a cackling insane woman.
"Are we going to die?" I asked my grandma.
"Not today," she screamed over the whistling and shrieking weather pattern we were trapped in.
"Is this your normal mode of travel?"
"Only on Tuesdays," she replied at earsplitting decibels.
"Holy shit, Gigi," Astrid spat as we landed in a clump at her feet. "You'd better have a good explanation for this because I am feeling violent and fat. I don't care how we're related, I'm two seconds away from offing your unstable pole dancing ass."
"I just love how disrespectful you are," Gigi said as she embraced my pregnant cousin in her arms. "It's lovely to be with my two favorite granddaughters."
"Lovely's not the word I'd use at the moment," Astrid griped. I was in shock that she threatened to whack Mother Nature and was still alive. Well, as alive as a dead person could be.
"Excuse me," Ethan ground out through clenched teeth and he uprooted a massive tree to enter the room. He was gorgeous normally, but he was positively breathtaking when furious. "If we're done with the niceties, I'd like you to fix my fucking home and leave."
"Is he always this testy?" Grandma asked.
"Only when monkeys are crawling up his ass," Astrid explained.
"How are we supposed to stay here in this forest?" he demanded.
"Clusterfuck," I muttered.
"What?"
"It's more of a clusterfuck than a forest," I offered.
"I'd call it a clusterfuck of epic proportions, and I am so proud of you, Dixie!" Astrid gave me a thumbs up over her big tummy.
"For what?" I asked.
"For dropping the f-bomb. It agrees with you. Lowers your ridiculously high IQ just a bit and shows the world you're a goddamned Demon."
"Um, thanks. I think."
"You really shouldn't take your uncle's name in vain," Mother Nature tsked.
"And you shouldn't turn my home into a safari adventure," Astrid shot back.
"I didn't mean to," she said as she dropped her head into her delicate hands.
Wait. What? Mother Nature made a mistake? This did not bode well.
"This was an accident?" Ethan roared. "You destroyed my home by accident?"
"Yes," she whispered.
"Fix it," he said in a quiet voice that made the hair on my neck stand up.
"I can try, but the magic in this area is off balance and it's affecting my mojo," she pouted.
"What the Hell are you talking about?" Astrid's eyes narrowed at our grandma as Ethan's ire bounced around the room knocking monkeys from their perches in the flowering trees that protruded from the walls.
"I mean," she whined defensively as she removed a monkey from her head. "That something bad is happening and it put a woowoo wrench in my juju."
"Holy shit," I said and laughed. "That sounds disgusting and painful. . .and wrong."
"Well, it's about time," Mother Nature crowed.
"I'm sorry. What?"
"It's about time you started growing some balls, young lady. How in the world will you save the day if your testicles haven't dropped yet? Showing disrespect to your elders is a good start. Ask your cousin," Gigi said.#p#分页标题#e#
I truly hoped she was using balls as a metaphor. I discreetly glanced down and sighed in relief. I was sack-less.
"I'm not disrespectful, you crazy old cow," Astrid snapped.
Mother Nature produced a dictionary out of thin air and tossed it to Astrid. "Look it up. You're listed under Big Balls and Vampyre-Demon With a Death Wish."
"Nope. I'm listed in the Guinness Book of World Records as the only freak in history to have an eight-headed Vampyre-Demon baby after five years of gestation."