My father had no reply. He bowed his head and shook it. What was going on here? Something was wonky and I'd bet my embarrassing virginity that no one was going to enlighten me.
"I know she's behind you. Dixie, come out and greet me," Gigi demanded.
My father turned to me and his golden eyes burned into mine. "It's all right. She won't harm you. Go to her."
Sucking in a huge breath, I stepped out from behind my dad and warily approached my grandmother. My fear disappeared and was replaced by curiosity. . .the kind that was deadly to cats.
"Oh my," she giggled, completely disarming me. "You are exquisite. You look like your father, but you have so very much of her in you."
She caressed my face gently. I automatically leaned into her warm and delicate hand. My maternal upbringing had been virtually nonexistent—attention from a mother figure was addicting, no matter how insane she might be.
"Do you mean my mother?" I asked tentatively, hoping she didn't remove her hand. "Do you know her?"
"Well of course I do. She's a crazy irresponsible assbuckle. The next time I see her I will. . ."
"Mother," Satan roared.
"Well, she is," she shot back. "Anyhoo, I got a phone with cells. Would you like to see it?"
"Um. . ." I was hoping she would continue her tirade on my mother. It was the most information I'd ever heard.
"You mean a cell phone," my father corrected her.
"That's what I said." Her gaze narrowed dangerously and the wind in the room kicked up a few notches. Her fingers began to shoot little orange sparks, and I worried for the health and welfare of my dad and his home.
"I'd love to see it," I insisted quickly before she caused a Hellquake or leveled the Dark Palace completely.
"I want you to take a selfie of me," she demanded as she handed me a jewel-encrusted cell phone.
"Um, a selfie means you take it of yourself," I explained as she shoved her new toy into my hand.
"Exactly. Take a selfie of me."
Deciding further explanation of a selfie could end in violence I took several as she posed obscenely with a flowering vine.
"While it's wonderfully disturbing to watch you hump the vegetation, would you like to explain your presence?" my father asked as he partially hid himself behind a boulder.
"Yes, of course," Gigi said as she disengaged herself from the plant and planted a huge wet kiss on my cheek. Glancing at her phone, she grinned. "These would go positively viral on YouTube."
"Mother," Satan warned as he stepped up next to me.
As calming as my father's presence was, I realized to my utter shock I was not at all afraid of Mother Nature. It was clear that she loved me, which only confused me more.
"Why haven't you ever wanted me?" I asked her and she froze.
My father tensed beside me and his magic began to swirl with his mother's.
"Dear sweet child," she cooed. "It was for your safety, but now since you're leaving I needed to see you and tell you. . ."
"Enough," Satan shouted. "You know the rules. Would you put her in more danger than she's already in?"
This was unwelcome news to me. I was in danger?
"You're such a douchewanker—I wouldn't say anything to harm her. I love her," Gigi shot back angrily.
"Then I think it best you leave," he said in a voice that made the hair on my neck stand up. However, his mother just giggled.
"Have her powers come in?"
"No, but they will," he snapped and advanced on his mother. "You will stay out of this. Do you understand me?"
"It's not nice to backtalk Mother Nature," she hissed.
"I thought it was fool," my father replied dryly.
"Whatever. I'm late for a marathon pole dancing exhibition, otherwise I'd smite your ass for being rude."
"You've done quite enough. Dixie, say goodbye to your grandmother. Now."
I scurried forward and embraced my slightly unhinged grandma. She hugged me tight and whispered in my ear, "Your father is an assmonkey. Don't worry about a thing. I will see you on Earth. I promise."
With that she disappeared, taking her jungle with her—almost. The roof of the palace was missing and I was quite sure that was not an accident.
"Son of a bitch," Satan yelled and stomped around, throwing a fit. "It had better not rain before I can get a new roof or I will send ten thousand giant goats to Nirvana to eat your gardens, you heinous woman."
"Um, Dad?"
"Yes, Dixie?" he answered as he reined in his tantrum with difficulty.
"What kind of danger am I in?"
"At this exact moment, none. But tomorrow is a new day."
"Is that supposed to help? Because it doesn't," I replied as I frantically began to pick at my woefully under-manicured fingernails.