Hell On Heels(41)

Fury rushed through me like high tide coming in. There was no stopping it. The more I thought the more inflamed I became. My chest burned and my eyes flashed red. Heat flowed through my body and I wanted to crawl out of my skin. Crying and screaming sounded like a grand idea. My hands started to tingle and brilliant sparks of red light flew from my fingertips.
“Holy Hell, what’s happening to me? Son of a bitch shitshitshitshit,” I cried out as I levitated. The wattage and frequency of my fingertip light show increased and my hair floated around my head as if I’d been electrocuted.
Janet turned from my closet and quickly plastered herself against my wall. “Good Satan Almighty! Look at you,” she screeched. “Carl, get in here. Her magic has come and her language is outstanding! Not full Demon, but close.”
She watched me like someone watches a bad car accident, which only pissed me off more.
“Are you going to help me down?” I hissed as a golden glitter sprayed all over my room.
“Hell no,” she replied, slowly inching her way toward my door.
“If you take one more step,” I threatened, “I’ll fry your ass.”
Janet laughed with delight, bounced up and down and attempted to pull on her nonexistent beard. Old habits die hard. “Ooooh, you’re a nasty little piece of work. Your daddy’s gonna be so proud!”
Carl burst into my room wearing tighty-whities. Only tighty-whities. I was fairly positive my appetite had been permanently destroyed.
“Whath going on?” he shouted as he assumed a kung fu pose in a deep squat. Not a good look while clothed. Definitely not a good look while practically nude.
“Look up.” Janet pointed and giggled.
I tried with all my might to wrench my eyes from the heart-shaped mass of hair on Carl’s chest. WTH?
“Carl,” I said calmly, still spitting sparks from my fingertips. “Have I lost my mind or is the hair rug on your chest shaved into a heart?”
“It ith,” he said with pride. “But look at thith!”
He turned around, and on his fur-covered back the word Janet had been shaved. The J started right above the elastic band of his underpants and the T ended at his neck.
“Oh dear Beelzebub,” I gasped in horror, completely caught off guard by the shocking and disgusting declaration of love for Janet. “Did you shave or wax that?” Was that necessary information? No, but I needed to know.
Carl’s eyes were earnest as he turned to me. He literally swelled with pride. “Neither. I did electrolthith. Ith permanent.”
Janet blushed with delight and scratched Carl like a dog. I expected his leg to start dancing at any moment.
I didn’t know what to say, which was rare. My ass was plastered to my ceiling, my fingers were still shooting red sparklies, gold mist had created an iridescent cloud in the room and I mutely watched Janet and Carl begin performing some foul, hairy mating ritual. Enough was enough.
“Hey,” I shouted, throwing a metaphoric bucket of cold water on my overheated family members. “I appreciate your positive attitude toward body image and creative hair design, but I have a problem here.”
“Right,” Carl said as he grabbed my foot and tried to yank me down from the ceiling.
No go.
“Get me down or I'll rip out a map of Hell with all the excess hair left on your body,” I ground out through clenched teeth. The fingertip fireworks increased. Purple and silver sparkles joined the red ones. They rained down on Carl, who was laughing at me and about to pull my left leg out of the socket. I was in pain, pissed off and at the same time seriously concerned I was going to set Carl on fire due to his excessive body hair issue. He didn’t seem to notice or care. He just yanked harder.
“Let go of my leg,” I yelled.
“I can’t get you down.” He was puzzled.
“No duh, dumbass.” I couldn’t find polite if it bit me in the butt. “You’re going to pull my leg off.”
“You can grow another one,” Janet volunteered.
“That is so not the point,” I shrieked. “I don’t want to grow a new leg. I like this leg. I just want to get off the ceiling.”
“I’m not thure how to handle thith,” Carl muttered, rubbing his bald head a mile a minute.
“Clap,” Myrtle said as she entered the room all business-like.
“What?” I rolled my eyes at her as more fire flew from my fingertips.
“Clap,” she repeated and rolled her eyes right back at me.
“Fine,” I snapped. I clapped and miraculously I steadily floated back down to my bed. The sparks subsided, but the room was covered in gold glitter dust. “How did you know what to do?” I asked as I grabbed onto the post of my bed just in case the light show and levitating decided to return.