‘Did you ask her that?’
‘No. I was so desperate to get away from her that I didn’t ask her any of the questions I’d been storing up for seventeen years.’ She gave a half-hearted shrug. ‘And now I don’t want to know. I don’t want to hear her excuses because that’s all they’ll be. I don’t think she feels any remorse.’
‘Amy, our situation is very different. How Neysa and your father behaved...it’s not like for like.’
‘You might not be married yet, but the intention and commitment are still there. The agony my mum must have gone through... She never got over it. She forgave my father but she’s never forgotten, and she’s not been able to trust him properly since.’
More tears fell, harder now, turning her face into a torrent of salt water.
‘I can’t live with the guilt. I’ve spent my entire life, through no fault of my own, being a person people point at and whisper about. I’ve had to work so hard to make myself believe that I didn’t deserve it and that I was innocent. But how can I be innocent when I’m the one now causing someone’s misery? I don’t want to be the selfish woman Neysa is. I don’t want to hurt anyone. The Princess is a good and lovely person and she doesn’t deserve this—no one does. Whatever she’s been raised to be, she’s still human.’
The depth of Amy’s guilt and misery stabbed at him, right in his guts, evoking a wave of shame that came rushing through him, a wave so powerful that he reeled and held on to the small kitchen table for support.
‘Listen to me,’ he said urgently. ‘The very fact you feel such guilt proves you are nothing like Neysa, so put such thoughts from your mind. You would never hurt anyone, not on purpose.’
‘But that is what I’ve been doing!’ she cried. ‘I’m exactly like her.’
‘No! All you inherited from Neysa was her looks. Everything else came from Elaine and the rest of your English family and the goodness that is you. You are a good person—the best I know.’
She didn’t look the slightest bit convinced by anything he’d said. Helios’s mind worked frantically as he tried to think of a solution whereby Amy’s guilt could be obliterated. But nothing came to him. He had to marry someone of royal blood to secure the Kalliakis line.
He was hurting her, the last thing he’d ever wanted to do. Not Amy. Not her. Not ever.
His father had done more than hurt his mother physically; the destruction had been emotional too. Helios had always known he would never follow his footsteps on the physical side, but to discover he was guilty of an emotional destruction every bit as great...
Something that felt suspiciously like panic clawed at him, biting and contracting through every part of him, converging in his stomach into a pain so acute he wanted to shout out with the agony of it all.
His relationship with Amy was long past being the light, playful interlude it had begun as. Along the way it had developed into something so deep he feared he would no longer be able to see the light if they went any further.
If he had the slightest ounce of decency he would let Amy go before he destroyed her completely.
CHAPTER TWELVE
FOLDING HIS ARMS across his chest, Helios stared at Amy, wondering how he was going to cope without seeing her beautiful face every day and making love to her every night. She was so much more to him than just his lover. She was his best friend, the first true friend he’d ever had. She’d been brought into his life not through her own wealth or social standing but simply by being Amy.
Amy gazed back at him with the same intensity and attempted a brave smile. ‘Do you think there’s a parallel world out there, where we can be free to be together and love each other?’
Love?
She must have registered the shock in his eyes at her use of the L word for she laughed wanly. ‘Oh, I do love you. Very much. More than I ever knew was possible.’
He stepped out of her reach, backing himself against the kitchen door. He didn’t know how to answer. He couldn’t think.
His private phone buzzed in his pocket. He pulled it out and rejected the call without looking at it.
‘Love is not something I have ever required,’ he finally said, his brain reeling as much as his body.
‘I know that.’ Her chin wobbled and she took deep breaths, raising her eyes to the ceiling.
‘Theos, Amy, you...’ He blew out a long breath as his brain scrambled to unravel itself. ‘I’ve always known I must marry for duty. Love isn’t something I’ve ever expected or thought about. It has no place in my life, you must see that?’
‘Yes, I do.’
Of course she did. Amy knew his full ancestral history better than she could ever know her own.
‘If you love me then how can you leave me?’ he asked, still shell-shocked at her declaration but grasping at straws.
‘Because I want to be able to look at my reflection every day and not throw darts at it,’ she answered with a choked laugh. ‘And my leaving isn’t just to do with Catalina.’
There. She’d finally uttered the Princess’s name aloud.
‘I might have been made from a dirty secret but I don’t want to live my life as one. You’re right that I’m not Neysa, and I will not allow myself to be like her. Even if you wanted it—even if you loved me—you’re not in a position to give me the commitment and fidelity I need. I want to be yours. Just yours. Openly yours. With the whole world knowing we belong together. I can’t make love with you while you’re sleeping in the bed of another, and I can’t make love knowing I’m good enough for sex but not good enough for for ever.’
What she didn’t say was that Helios had lodged himself so deeply into her heart she doubted there was room left in there for any other man to find an opening. Her heart belonged to him now.
She should have left weeks ago. The physical pain she’d experienced when he’d told her of his intention to marry as soon as possible should have acted as a warning. If she’d gone then she would have left with her pride intact and her heart would still have enough room for someone else.
His face contorted. ‘Don’t you ever say you’re not good enough.’
‘But that’s how I feel,’ she said, shrugging her shoulders helplessly. ‘I know that’s not your intention, and that you don’t think or believe that—I know—but I’ve spent most of my life feeling like a dirty secret. For us to carry on, even if it’s only until you marry, will make me one.’
He didn’t say anything, just stared at her as if he were seeing her for the first time.
‘Helios, when you marry the Princess be faithful to her. Give your marriage a chance. She deserves that and so do you.’
‘You sound like you’re planning to leave now...’ A strange look flashed in his eyes and suddenly he sprang to life like Galatea, the statue created with such love by Pygmalion.
He strode out of the kitchen and into her bedroom, taking in the suitcases on the bed, half-filled with clothing.
His face contorted and he shook his head. ‘No.’
‘Helios...’
‘No.’ His hands clenched into fists.
She could see him fighting the urge to throw her cases out of the window.
His phone buzzed again, the third time it had rung in as many minutes.
‘Answer it,’ she insisted. ‘It might be important.’
‘This is important.’ After a moment’s pause he swore and pulled the phone to his ear. ‘Yes?’
After a few moments his demeanour changed. As he listened he straightened his neck and rolled his shoulders, breathing deeply. His only contribution to the conversation was a few short words of Greek.
‘I need to go,’ he said when he’d finished the call. ‘My grandfather’s suffering from a mild infection and is fighting with the doctors over his treatment.’
‘I hope it’s nothing too serious,’ she said, immediately concerned.
‘Just my grandfather being a stubborn old man.’ He rubbed his chin and glared at her with his jaw clenched. ‘I’ll be back later. Don’t even think of going anywhere.’
She didn’t answer.
‘I need to hear it, Amy. Tell me you won’t go anywhere or do anything until I get back. Promise me.’
Knowing even as she spoke them that her words were a lie, she said, ‘I’ll be here.’
His shoulders loosened a little. Pacing over to her, he took her face in his hands and crushed her lips with his mouth, kissing her as if he’d been starved of her kisses for ever. And then he dropped his hold on her and walked out of her bedroom.
She heard the slam of the interconnecting door as he left.
* * *
Theos, his grandfather had to be the most stubborn man alive. He was refusing the intravenous drugs his doctors wanted to give him.
What could he do? He couldn’t force him. The King wasn’t a baby to be coaxed into doing his elders’ bidding.
That hadn’t stopped Helios from trying to make him see reason. Now he wanted to tear his hair out, to claw at his scalp and draw blood.
‘At least he’s not in pain,’ Talos said quietly.
Their grandfather hadn’t resisted painkillers for the pain racking his body. The cancer, kept at bay by months of chemotherapy, was making another, deadlier assault on his body. No one would say it, but time was slipping away from them.