Held A New Adult Romance(54)

"I see," she says, and it's so soothing I could kiss her.

Do I want to get into this? This is really private stuff. Do I want to admit that there were times when I was this close to falling in love with him, or is that going to make me seem even crazier than she knows I am already? Asked and answered - it's option B. No question.

She straightens her skirt over her knee and licks her lips before speaking. "What made you head for Big Sur?" she asks.

I shrug. "I don't know. Same reason a dog returns to its vomit, I guess."

Dr. Stahl raises her eyebrows. "That's an interesting choice of expression."

"First thing that popped into my head. I don't know what I was thinking. At the time I just wanted to put distance between me and L.A. Big Sur just seemed...logical." I sigh. "And I guess there was an element of rubbernecking involved. Is it possible to rubberneck at your own car wreck?"

"How did it make you feel? Being there."

I pick at a cuticle. "Honestly? Not nearly as bad as it should."

"Why would you say that?"

"Why do you think?" I say.

I should have felt so much worse, but it was easier to pretend like it had all been a bad dream. And once I started thinking about Jaime I didn't have to think about anything else. I know this train of thought leads nowhere good - not for him, not for me.

"I found a piece of tape in the closet," I say. "Crime scene tape. I screwed it up - stuffed it in my pocket. That was the only sign I could see that anything had ever happened. There was a new bed. I don't think I could have stayed there if there wasn't. I was on the bed when I...when he...well...you know."

She nods. "I wonder," she says, very softly. "If you weren't attempting some kind of...do-over. Does that make any sense?"

Do-over. If only. There are certain moments in life when you realize there are no such things, no takey-backsies. "I don't know," I say. "I guess some part of me was hoping that I could feel what I felt with Justin with somebody else - the good parts, at least."

She says nothing, just peers steadily at me. I can feel the heat flood to my face just thinking about it.

"He did," I confess. "Jaime, I mean. He made me feel that good. Better. And that was something - knowing Justin wasn't that different to other men. He didn't have any occult power over me. It was just...sex."

"I see. Excuse my asking but apart from Justin, was there anybody else?"

I shake my head. "No. I've had two men in my entire life." First the worst, second the best - wasn't that how the old rhyme went? "It's funny - he looked at me like I was some kind of...sex goddess. When I'm practically a virgin in terms of experience."

"Do you feel as though Justin shaped your sexuality?" she asks.

"God, yes. More than that. Much more. He...owned it." The resentment rises like heartburn. At the time I never felt that kind of anger, but perhaps Jaime's touch did what I wanted it to do - rinsed away Justin's, reminded me that I could be me. I press my knees together, sick when I think of Justin's fingers inside me and how he used to tell me that I was his.

"I think," I say, slowly. "That I was trying to take it back. For myself. Selfish as usual."

"Amber, you've survived a toxic relationship," says Dr. Stahl. "It's okay to want to get better."

"Right. And I've probably lost him his job. Dragged him away from his family."

"Well, that is something we do need to talk about," she says.

"I know." God, such a mess.

"You're extremely lucky he didn't press charges."

I shake my head. "Luck had nothing to do with it. He knows how I panic - he's a good enough person to forgive me."

"Perhaps you need to speak with him."

I glance up, surprised. "Are you kidding me? I thought you'd tell me never to see him again."

"I said 'speak'," she says. "It's a very different verb to the one you're thinking of."

Sometimes I wish she wasn't so smart, or I wasn't so obvious. Whichever. It's true - I can't think of him without thinking about sex. I got this stupid idea in my head to seduce him, and it worked even better than I could have dreamed. He wanted me so much he didn't notice I was terrified when I took all my clothes off and gave him the full floorshow. And then I called him beautiful and he laughed and I thought I'd lose what was left of my mind. I don't think I ever realized you could laugh during sex before - with Justin it was always super serious.

"He's not like Justin," I say. "They're like night and day."

She shakes her head. "Amber, you know I can't give you my blessing on this. As your doctor..."