Heat Wave(61)

And yet the minute that a light was shone upon us, we both balked. We both acted like nothing was happening because we both felt guilty. He can tell me how badly I want him and how I beat myself up over it and I’ll admit he’s right. I’m not sure how he knows that, if I’m that transparent, if it was wishful thinking, but he’s right. And the guilt has been eating me alive.

But that same guilt plagues him. Maybe it’s the cheating he did on Juliet, maybe it’s because of the same reason as it is for me, but he can’t pretend that his own desires and ego aren’t slave to the same machine.

So where does that leave us? What has changed now? That kiss woke me up, made me realize not only how deep my own feelings went, how badly my body craved what it couldn’t, shouldn’t have, but it showed me it wasn’t one-sided. Logan wants me too.

Logan wants me too.

I think that’s the one I’m having the most trouble with. Why a man like him would be interested in a girl like me is beyond my comprehension. It’s not a matter of false modesty and humility. I get why Charlie might want me (not that he does since he’s currently boning—or reboning—Kate) or maybe even Dan. But Logan is older. Probably the most handsome, manliest, most fuckable man I’ve ever met. And he can—and has—attracted the most gorgeous women. I’m just the cook at his hotel.

And, fuck, that’s another reason why all of this is a big mistake. You’d think I would fucking learn from last time, from throwing my future all away because I slept with my boss. I mean, what the hell am I thinking?

That question will get me through the rest of my day. It makes the hangover peel away and forces me to look at last night as a drunken, momentary lapse of judgment. Whatever feelings I have for Logan have to end now, because as we both proved last night, alcohol is a bad idea and being horny is never an excuse to do something you regret.

Because now I do regret what happened. I’m not going to dwell on it or beat myself up anymore but I am going to make sure that it will never, ever happen again.

When I head back into the unit, I’m full of new resolve. Meanwhile Kate is looking guilty, standing in the corner of the kitchen with a mousy expression and drinking coffee.

“Am I an idiot?” she asks me quietly.

“Are you kidding me?” I ask, putting my coffee cup in the sink. I fold my arms across my chest, grateful to worry about someone else’s mistakes. “Why, because you slept with Charlie?”

She nods. “I didn’t mean for it to happen.”

I smile. “That’s usually how these things start out. I wouldn’t worry about it, honestly. I mean, it’s Charlie. You told me about your relationship with him before. You work together, you got drunk, he’s a nice guy. It’s not a big deal.”

Kate doesn’t look convinced. She raises a brow. “Did you rehearse all that stuff to say to me?”

“No!” I quickly tell her. “No, not at all. It’s just…don’t feel bad. You’re not an idiot. Just…chalk it up to what it is and we’ll all move on. I mean, you’ll move on.” Her brow remains raised, and I clear my throat. “I’m, uh, going to go take a shower.”

Since I have the morning and afternoon free, I decide to Facetime with Claire for a bit (I purposely steer the conversation away from Logan), then I head to the Limahuli Gardens by myself. It’s located between the hotel and Ke’e Beach, and one of the places I’ve always wanted to go. And today I don’t want to be at the hotel at all and I don’t want the company. I’d rather be alone with my blackened thoughts.

The gardens are lovely and set high on the hills, cutting back into the sharp mountains of the interior. There are a few tourists here but it’s nice to actually be able to watch them. Some of them are families taking in the flora and fauna of the island, from macadamia nut bushes to coffee plants and taro. The kids shriek and run around while the parents either laugh or chastise them for disturbing people, but no matter the reaction, the fact that they’re a family remains.

I never had that. And Johnny’s words from last night come cutting into my brain. The crew at Moonwater Inn is my family now. Maybe not by blood, but by choice. And that has to count for a lot more. They’ve embraced me whole-heartedly, flaws and all, and they like me, not because they have to but because they want to.

And that’s why Logan and I could never work out. Because the moment you start sleeping with the boss, that’s the moment you put everything else at risk. Even if everyone could somehow get past the morally deplorable part of the arrangement, there’s that cold fact again that I would be fucking the one in charge and if shit hit the fan? Well I’d be out of a job. It wouldn’t matter our bonds, I wouldn’t keep working here. I’d be on the next plane back to Chicago.