By the afternoon, things between Dixon and me seemed to be getting a little bit back to normal. We were back to our flirt and bicker routine, which made me hopeful that maybe he really listened to what I said and would want to possibly talk later about where he wants things with us to go. Sadly, that didn’t happen.
Right now, Dixon, Jax, and Kayden are all getting ready to go out to some bar on the beach that they always go to when they’re in the Bahamas called Charlie’s On the Beach. A helicopter is coming to pick them up in a few minutes to fly them to the main island while Savannah and I stay here with Jerome.
I slept like crap, and I woke up with the need to drink a million cups of coffee just so I wouldn’t feel like a zombie all day. Once we got out on the water with the speedboat, and then swam with the dolphins, I started to feel rejuvenated but now I’m officially exhausted and completely wiped out.
Slipping into my bikini, I grab my phone and headphones before heading downstairs to grab a glass of wine. Dixon and Jax are sitting in the living room chatting with one another, completely oblivious to me even though I’m walking around practically naked! I guess their brains are too distracted thinking about the girls they’ll be hooking up with tonight. I swear to God, if Dixon brings a girl back here, I’ll kick his ass, then toss him into the fucking ocean so the sharks can feast on him.
I fill my glass to the brim and pad across the bamboo floors barefoot, making an extra effort to shake my ass as I pass by Dixon and Jax. Ignoring Dixon, I give Jax a sweet smile, before exiting through the French doors that are open, allowing the warm ocean breeze to blow into the house. I bring my glass up to my lips and take a few sips of my wine before setting it on the edge of the hot tub. I prop my phone up against my glass and pop my headphones into it scrolling through until I find Pretender by the Foo Fighters. It’s a loud, depressing music kind of night.
The water is perfect, and the jets feel amazing as I sink into the hot tub. With my earbuds in I rest my arms along the sides and let my body float in the water. Resting my head against the cushioned headrest, I close my eyes and try to drown out my thoughts of Dixon and what he’ll more than likely be doing tonight at that bar.
I keep spotting Dixon walking around through the large windows that open up the living room, which offer a magnificent view of the ocean, but also a full view of the hot tub where I am right now. I can feel him watching me, and it’s only pissing me off more. Even though I told myself not to turn around and look at him, my eyes betray me, and I find myself turning my head and looking through the window at him. Kayden has now joined them, and they’re all holding a shot up. They tap their glasses together before downing the amber liquid. I suddenly find myself wishing I had an extra tall shot glass right now because wine isn’t cutting it.
Moving my phone, I grab my glass and take a long sip, all the while my eyes continue to stay locked onto Dixon. Why does he have to look so good? It’s as if the more pissed off I get at him, the hotter he becomes. It only infuriates me more. When I look at Dixon, my body hums with desire for him. My heart does somersaults in my chest as I watch him let out the sexiest laugh.
He looks amazing right now with his hair damp and slightly styled. He’s wearing dark jeans with a tight fitting Hank William’s Jr. Concert tee and a sexy as all hell belt buckle. I never thought belt buckles were hot until I saw Dixon wearing one. Now I fantasize about undoing Dixon’s belts and ripping his pants off of him on a daily basis.
I swear I’m a glutton for punishment. I should be looking at Jax. Fantasizing about him. He’s the safe choice. The right choice. I see the way women look at him. I know he’s had his fair share of women since moving to Houston, only he keeps his love life private, unlike Dixon who doesn’t seem to care about Instagraming pics of him and every skank he’s ever hooked up with at the clubs. Sadly, I am one of those girls he’s posted pics with and I’m ashamed to say I’ve saved them to my phone and looked at them one too many times to get myself off while away filming.
Savannah, walking out onto the deck and towards the hot tub, is the perfect excuse I need to stop torturing myself. I force my eyes away from the window and plucking my earbuds out of my ears as I tilt my head towards the house asking her, “So, Knox is going too, huh?” I’m still holding my wine glass hovering it in front of my lips. It’s taking every ounce of self-control I have to not chug the entire fricking glass down right now.
Walking over to me, she leans on the edge of the hot tub folding her arms and resting her chin on them as she smiles at me sympathetically. I hate that she’s looking at me that way. I’m always wild, crazy, never serious Brooklyn. She needs that person to help lift her spirits. Not the Debbie Downer I’m being tonight.
“Yes. I insisted he go out with them. He’s either been with me or working; that’s it. Other than his fishing trip, he’s not done anything. It’s not healthy for either of us; we need to try and get back to our normal lives. I can’t live every day in fear of Zak, or I’m going to drive myself and Kayden crazy.” I open my mouth to try and tell her she isn’t driving Kayden crazy. She’s crazy for even thinking that but she throws her hand in the air shushing me before I get a chance to get a damn word out.
“And another thing, you need to pull your head out of your ass! If you want Dixon, tell him. Don’t play games Brooklyn. You know better than anyone he’s a player. You need to lay it out there for him. Tell him you can’t do this casual…whatever the hell you guys are doing, because you’re falling for him! You have an amazing guy standing in that living room who wants to be with you. Jax is nothing like that man-whore standing beside him. He’d love you and cherish you every single day of your life. Can you say that about Dixon?”
Well, there goes my fucking willpower. Squeezing the stem of my glass, I bring it to my lips and tip my head back downing every last drop of wine in the cup. Lifting it from my mouth I stare at it wishing the magic wine fairy would flutter by and fill my glass for me. I need about three more of those right about now.
I feel my chest start to grow heavy, making it hard to breath. I slowly breathe in and out through my nose, fighting back the tears that are pooling in my eyes. My eyes are burning as I beg for them to stop. I can’t cry. Crying will prove that I am in too deep. I slam my glass back down, hard, as anger rages through my body. I’m angry with myself, with Dixon, with Savannah for making me talk about this.
I just want to pretend things with Dixon and me never happened. All I want to do is go back in time and undo everything I’ve done. I should’ve just called it like I saw it. He is dangerous to me, my life, and everything for which I’ve worked. I should’ve run as fast as my stiletto covered feet could carry me and never turned back. But, of course, I’m attracted to hot, cocky, assholes. I need to feel that rush, feel the high, and the all-consuming need to have more of him. One time has never been enough.
I wanted the bad boy. I wanted to experience it all, the highs and the lows, with Dixon. I got all of that and more over the last several weeks being with him. Only I got in way over my head. I broke my number one rule: Never fall in love.
Lifting my eyes from the bubbling water up to Savannah, I tell her with anger and sadness laced in my words, “Don’t you think I haven’t said all the same shit to myself, Savannah? I’m not stupid.” As my words leave my mouth, a tear escapes and drips from my face into the bubbling water below. I let out an aggravated sigh as I swipe my hand across my cheek. I never cry. The fact that I’m crying over a fucking guy is making me even angrier!
I’m not one of the girls who are weak and feel empty without a man in their lives. I love my life. I love my freedom. I only have room for one love in my life, and that is acting. It’s my dream, my passion, and I’m too close to finally having everything I want to allow a guy to destroy me and warp my priorities.
Walking around the hot tub, Savannah stops beside me and wraps her arms around my shoulder, all the while keeping her eyes on the guys through the doorway, making sure they don’t come out.
“I’m sorry, bestie. The last thing I meant to do was upset you. I just don’t want to see you throw away a chance at happiness because you’re so busy chasing after a man who’ll only cause you pain and heartache.”
“Believe me, if I could just walk away from Dixon, I would. Hell, I am not blind! I know Jax is amazing. It’s just with Dixon I feel something I’ve never felt before. As soon as he enters a room, my breath is immediately knocked from my lungs. I feel as if a million angry bees are swarming in the pit of my stomach. I’ve used Xander and Jax as a fun distraction with the hopes that maybe Dixon would get jealous and maybe decide he wants to be exclusive. But that hasn’t happened, and probably never will.”
“Well, I think you need to think long and hard about what you want to do. I think the first thing on that list needs to be a long discussion with Mr. Beaumont over there.” Savannah says swinging her thumb towards the house, pointing at Dixon.
Turning off the jets, I climb out of the tub and grab a towel, wrapping it around my body before pulling Savannah in for a hug.