Heart Of The Billionaire(51)

Sam slammed the book closed, unable to read about Maddie’s pain and confusion for another moment. It had been so similar to his sexual experiences in the past. When he had had sex with a woman he’d needed to pretend it was Maddie to even get through it. The act brought physical release, but it had also left him so empty inside that sometimes he went without for very long periods of time unable to stomach being with any woman who wasn’t Maddie.

Obviously, she had never tried it again, never found a man she wanted to be with in all the years they were separated.

She abstained and I tried to pretend, leaving both of us miserable in different ways.

Sam put the book back in its place on the shelf and pulled out the previous volume, making himself read the entries from his time together with Maddie. He ran a frustrated hand through his hair as he read, his chest aching as he read about how heartbroken she had been about the incident with Kate. It wasn’t as if he hadn’t known, but reading her words brought him back to that time and place, made her pain so much more real, and his as well.

That was the day his soul had nearly died. Honestly, he had thought it was gone completely until he had seen Maddie again and she had dug down deep inside him to bring it back to life. The memories had never faded and he’d lived with his actions ever since. Constantly, over and over, torturing himself with thoughts of the pain he had caused Maddie and the agonized expression on her face for years now. Every day he had despised himself, wondering if he had done the right thing, hating himself for breaking her faith in him. His only consolation had been the fact that she was safe, unharmed. But it was a cold comfort in comparison to seeing that broken look on her beautiful face, reliving the experience day after day, and hating himself for being the man who had betrayed her trust.

As he closed that volume, he struggled for breath, letting himself actually feel the loneliness and desolation that had been a part of him for so long. Until he had seen Maddie again. Until she had healed him and brought him back to life. The vulnerability she brought out in him might terrify the hell out of him, but the thought of being without her was a hell of a lot worse than struggling through his fear.

Distractedly, he pulled out the most recent journal, flipping through the pages until he got to the last one, a recent entry that had only been written several days ago.

Sam still hasn’t told me that he loves me. I know he must love me because I don’t think I could feel the way that I feel if he didn’t feel the same. He proves his love in so many ways and I can feel it in his touch. I guess sometimes I just wish he would say it. It would actually be the first time in my entire life that someone said those words to me, and more than anything, I want to hear them first from Sam.

Sam replaced the book on the shelf with more force than necessary. “Fuck! Is it true? Have I never told her?” His fists clenched and his brows drew together, thinking furiously about the past few weeks. He had told her how much he needed her…which he did. But love? Had he really not said those words to her?

“Selfish bastard,” he mumbled, chastising himself. She had told him so many times, sometimes with him prompting her, but others when he didn’t. Maddie had opened herself to him completely, soothing his soul with her words. And he had never said the words back to her.

His heart sank, realizing that she had never had anyone tell her they loved her. Not once. Ever. Hell, even he had heard it from his mother and occasionally from his brother, and now from the woman who meant more to him than anything or anyone else in the entire world.

“I love you, Madeline,” he whispered huskily to the empty room, hoping she could feel it across the distance that separated them.

Sam thought about texting her, but it was something she needed to hear in person. Over and over again. It wasn’t that he didn’t love her. Maybe the problem was that he loved her so damn much that the words seemed inadequate.

There were packing boxes everywhere, everything in place for the movers to come tomorrow and start packing and moving Maddie’s stuff to his place. He pulled a few of them in front of the bookshelves, packing her journals carefully into the boxes and sealing them with a roll of strapping tape.

These are private. Madeline’s written emotions.

After he had made sure the boxes were so taped up that it would take a miracle to get them open, he labeled them with a marker as personal books. He didn’t want anyone else packing them, possibly looking at them. They were chronicles of her heartbreak, pain, thoughts and triumphs.

Mine. I love her. She fucking belongs to me. Always has and always will.

As he strode toward the door, he remember Simon’s breakdown in their offices when his little brother finally admitted that he loved Kara. Sam shook his head as he locked the door to Maddie’s house, finally knowing exactly how his brother had felt at that time. Sam had an irrational fixation with Maddie, a possessive obsession that would more than rival the one Simon had for Kara. He and Simon might be different, but deep down inside, they were much the same when it came to the one woman in their life who could turn them inside out and upside down.