"Did Danica tell you that?"
I worry my lip, and Dee growls.
"Hailey, what did I tell you about listening to her? That girl is poison. Poison. If you start buying into her lies-"
"She wasn't lying though," I interrupt in defense of my cousin, and the corners of Dee's mouth turn down. Eventually, Rowan shakes her head.
"It doesn't matter if she was lying or telling the truth, Hailey. You know she's just telling you this stuff to get under your skin."
I stare down at my coffee thermos, because I'm not so sure. She was gossiping with me like we had never stopped being friends, like we were just two roommates talking about boys. I remember her easy laugh and her bright eyes, and I grip the thermos until the heat bites into my palms. "He'll never forget her," I say, and when I look up at Rowan, her blue-jean eyes are filled with sympathy.
"Of course he won't. She was his first love."
"Do you know what I remember about my first time?" Dee cuts in, finally pulling her coffee mug back to her side of the table. "I remember he lasted about two seconds, and it was horrible." She grabs a sugar packet from a container at the center of the table and begins shaking it violently. "It was like he didn't realize that water is required to go down a waterslide. The fucker just dove right in. I know your first time is supposed to hurt, but I swear to God, I had first-degree vagina burn."
Rowan chokes on her coffee as she laughs, trying not to spit it out, and I can't help cracking a smile.
Dee empties the sugar into her coffee and stirs it with a tiny straw. "Everyone's first time is horrible. I mean, Ro's was apparently pretty nice, aside from the whole being impaled on Adam's Viking-sized cock thing."
Rowan laughs harder and smacks Dee's arm, and my smile widens as I watch them together.
"I bet Mike only lasted two pumps," Dee continues. "Three, tops. Guys never set any endurance records their first times. I bet Danica even bitched him out about it afterward, because you know how she is."
I smile until it becomes too difficult to keep it on my face. "You don't think I'm a bad person for coming between them?" I ask, and Dee's perfect eyebrows slam together.
"Come here," she says, curling her finger to motion for me to lean across the table.
"Why?" I ask as I start leaning in. Do I have something on my face?
"Because clearly you need some sense slapped into you."
Rowan grabs Dee's arm out of the air, and I jump wide-eyed back into my chair.
"Hailey," Rowan says, releasing Dee's arm when I'm out of slapping range. "This is exactly what we've been trying to warn you about. Danica is going to do whatever she can to come between you and Mike. He didn't break up with her because of you-he broke up with her because she's horrible. She treated him like garbage. I mean, come on. Even if he wasn't with you, would you really want him with her?"
I'm shaking my head before I even realize it. "No."
"Right. Because you love him." Rowan smiles. "You want him to be happy."
I nod, and she reaches across the table to squeeze my hand.
"You make him happy. He loves you. It doesn't matter who his first was, because she's not his only. You could be his last, and the last is the one that counts."
"Damn, Ro," Dee says, relaxing in her chair. "That was beautiful."
Rowan smiles at me and lets go of my hand. "Do you feel better, Hailey?"
I nod, even though I'm not so sure. Because even though everything they said makes sense, my heart still stings like it didn't hear a word.
"Hey," I eventually say to change the subject, since I know my feelings are something I'll have to wrestle with on my own. "Would either of you be interested in adopting a dog?"
Rowan and Dee remain silent for a while, until they eventually allow me to shift the conversation. They both tell me what I already guessed-that their apartment building doesn't allow pets-and I frown as two more doors close for Phoenix. They insist they'll ask around though, and I thank them as I think of my sweet golden Chow, who still won't walk beside anyone but me.
She's the only creature I tell all my secrets to-the only one who knows how much I'm struggling.
I miss Mike with every beat of my heart, every breath that fills my lungs. While he's living his dream, I'm drowning trying to reach mine. And I don't know how I can ever get it unless I'm willing to give him up.
Rowan is right. Mike deserves to be happy. But how can I make him happy when my own happiness is so out of reach?
Chapter 43
Four weeks.
It's been four weeks since I last saw him.
In Phoenix's cage, I tap my finger against a calculator, crunching numbers. I've tried to work this out a thousand different ways-a way I could give up my uncle's financial support and still finish getting my degree. I've accounted for theoretical jobs and maybe-possible scholarships. I've calculated living expenses and textbook expenses and miscellaneous expenses. I've added the numbers with my car and car insurance, without my car and car insurance, with Internet, without Internet, and it all comes out the same.
Not possible. Without sizable savings, which would take me years of living at home to accrue, it's just not possible.
"Hailey," Barb says, lifting the lock on the cage and coming in to sit next to me. Phoenix immediately skitters to the other corner of the cage, curling into her usual ball, and Barb frowns. "I need to talk to you."
"Okay?" I ask, setting my calculator down and staring up into the solemn face of my supervisor.
"We're transferring some of the dogs to another shelter this evening. We're over capacity, so they've agreed to take them in." She hesitates, and my heart constricts as I realize what she's about to say. "We're going to send Phoenix to them. They're a smaller shelter, so-"
"No," I say, already shaking my head in denial.
The corners of Barb's mouth sink down even further. "She's not adjusting, Hailey. I know you've gotten her to eat, but she's not putting on weight like she should. And she still won't let anyone else touch her. She's been here for almost a month-"
"I'll work with her more," I promise, but Barb simply shakes her head, pity filling her moss-green eyes.
"How? You're here every single day, Hailey. You do your homework in her cage. I know you want to help her, but this isn't healthy . . . I'm doing this as much for you as I am for her."
Tears fill my eyes as I stare across the cage at Phoenix, her glacial blues peeking out from under her paw as she watches us. I've tried everything I can for her. Even Rowan has come to the shelter, and we've tried to take her on walks together, but Phoenix hasn't opened up to anyone but me. I know that moving her to another shelter won't help-she'll close back down, she'll stop eating again, she'll stay curled in a ball until they realize she's never going to get better.
"I'm taking her home with me," I decide, and Barb pats my arm.
"Hailey-"
"I'm taking her home, Barb. You're not sending her away."
"You can't save them all, honey," Barb says, giving my arm a motherly squeeze. "I love you for trying. You know we adore you here. But you can't get too attached to the dogs, or we won't be able to keep you on staff."
"Then fire me," I say, already packing up my things. Barb could drop me from my internship for this, but I'm hoping-praying-she won't. "I love you too, but"-I point at the damaged dog still cowering in the corner-"I'm taking that dog home with me, and nothing you say is going to convince me to leave her."
In my car, I gaze out the windshield with my hands on the steering wheel and Phoenix sitting timidly in my passenger seat. I stare over at her, and she stares back at me. "Well, shit."
I walked her out of that shelter with no plan and no place to take her, and now we're just sitting in the parking lot, stuck. I know I can't take her back to my apartment, because I already discussed fostering Phoenix with Danica a couple weeks ago, and she reminded me that our lease strictly states no pets. I could always take her there anyway and keep her there low-key until I figure out something else to do with her, but I know that would end in disaster; even though Danica has been less horrible than usual lately, I don't doubt she'd open the front door to let Phoenix "run away" if Phoenix dared touched one of her precious shoes or five-hundred-dollar purses.
"Shit," I repeat as I stare over at the dog I've grown to care for over these past few weeks. I've watched the fur grow through the injured parts of her snout. I've watched her eyes clear as she learned to trust. I've watched her tail wag excitedly when I praised her for finally being brave enough to go to the bathroom outside.