Now, she was being sent away. From the baby. From Simon.
For her own good.
Pain was a living, breathing entity, and it roared from inside her as it settled in, making a permanent home in the black emptiness where her heart used to be. Hurt, humiliated and just plain tired of being used by the very people in her life she should have been able to count on, Tula sighed.
"Don't you see, Simon?" she whispered sadly. "Even in this, you're still acting like my father."
"No," he argued, but she cut him off because she just didn't want to hear anything else he had to say.
"Letting me go isn't about me. It's about you. About how you feel about what you did. About assuaging some sense of honor you believe you've lost."
"Tula, that's not-"
"What if I didn't want to go?" she asked, watching him. "What then?"
Naturally, he didn't have an answer for her. But then, it didn't matter, because Tula wasn't waiting for one. It was too late for them and she knew it. She had to go, whether leaving would rip her heart to pieces or not.
Softly, she said, "Nathan's asleep upstairs. If it's all the same to you, I'll leave now, before he wakes up. I don't think I can say goodbye to him."
"Tula, damn it, at least let me-"
"You've done enough, Simon," she told him, turning for the stairs. "Have your lawyer contact me. I'll sign whatever papers are necessary to turn over custody of Nathan to you. And Simon," she added, "promise me you'll love him enough for both of us."
Over the next few days, Simon and Nathan were miserable together.
Nothing was the same. Simon couldn't work-he didn't give a damn about mergers or acquisitions or the price of the company stock. He hated having Mick telling him I told you so every five minutes. The memory of Tula in his house was so strong that her absence made the whole place seem cavernous and as empty as a black hole.
He and his son were lost without the only woman either of them wanted.
Nathan cried continuously for the only mother he remembered. Simon comforted him, but it was a hollow effort since he knew exactly how the baby felt. And there was no comfort for either of them as long as Tula wasn't there.
Simon hadn't even hired a nanny. He didn't want some other woman holding Nathan. He wanted Tula back home. With them. Where she belonged. Every day without her was emptier than the one before. His dreams were filled with images of her and his arms ached to hold her.
He had fallen in love with the one woman who probably couldn't stand the sight of him. He had had a family, damn it, and he wanted it back. Yes, he had been a first-class idiot. A prize moron. But Tula had a heart big enough, he hoped, to forgive even him.
If she hadn't promised to do this signing, Tula didn't know if she would have had the nerve to return to the city. Used to be she avoided San Francisco because there were memories of her father here. Now it was so much more.
Nathan and Simon were only blocks from this bookstore. They were in that Victorian that she'd come to love and think of as her own. They were no doubt settling into life with a nanny and she wondered if either of them missed her as desperately as she missed them.
She sat cross-legged in the middle of the "reading rug" at the bookstore and looked at the shining, expectant faces surrounding her. Parents stood on the periphery, watching their children, enjoying their excitement. And Tula knew that she couldn't simply walk away from Simon and Nathan.
Yes, Simon had hurt her. Desperately. But he had told her everything, hadn't he? It couldn't have been easy for him to admit to what he had done. It said something that he'd eventually been honest with her.
Through her pain, through her misery, one truth had rung clear over the last few days. Despite what had happened, she still loved Simon. And when the book signing was over, she was going to see him. She would just show up at the house and tell Simon Bradley that she loved him. Maybe he wouldn't care. And maybe, if she took a chance, they could start fresh and rebuild their family.
With that thought in mind, she smiled at the kids and asked, "Are you ready to hear about the Lonely Bunny and how he found a friend?"
"Yes!" A dozen childish voices shouting in unison made her laugh and she felt lighter in her soul than she had since walking out of Simon's life.
Opening the book, Tula began to read and for the next half hour gave her young audience her complete attention. When the story of the Lonely Bunny and a white kitten ended, children applauded and parents picked up copies of her books.
Tula smiled to herself as she signed her books and spent a minute or two with each of the children, giving them Lonely Bunny stickers to fix to their shirts. She was enjoying herself even while a corner of her mind worried over going to see Simon.
Through the noise and confusion, Tula felt someone watching her. Her skin prickled and her heartbeat quickened in reaction even before she looked up-directly into Simon's dark brown eyes. Instead of one of his sharply cut business suits, he was wearing jeans and a T-shirt with the Lonely Bunny logo. He held Nathan in his arms and she noticed that the baby wore a matching T-shirt.
Tula laughed and held her breath, afraid to read too much into this surprising visit. Maybe he had simply come to give her the chance to say goodbye to Nathan. Maybe the emotions she read in Simon's eyes were only regret and fondness. And maybe she would make herself nuts if she didn't find out.
She stood up slowly, never taking her gaze from his. Her heart doing somersaults in her chest, Tula tried to speak, but her mouth was dry. When Nathan reached out pudgy arms to her, she took him, grateful to feel his warm, solid weight as he snuggled in with a happy sigh.
Simon shrugged and said, "I, uh, saw the sign out front advertising that you would be here today."
"And you came," she whispered, running one hand up and down the baby's back.
"Of course I came," Simon said, gaze locked with hers, silently telling her everything she had ever wanted to hear. It was all there for her to read. He wasn't hiding anything anymore. So neither would she.
"I was going to come and see you after the signing."
He smiled and moved closer. "You were?"
"I had something to tell you," she said.
He must have seen what he needed to see written on her face because he spoke quickly. "Let me go first. I have so much I want to say to you, Tula."
She laughed a little and glanced around at the kids and their parents, all of them watching with interest. "Now?"
He looked at their audience, then shrugged them off as inconsequential. "Right here, right now."
To her amazement, he went down on one knee in front of her and looked up into her eyes. "Simon … "
"Me first," he said with a smile and shake of his head. "Tula, I can't live without you. I tried and I just can't do it. You're the air I breathe. You're the heart of me. You're everything I need and can't do without."
Someone in the audience sighed but neither of them paid any attention.
"Oh, Simon-" Tears filled her eyes. She blinked them away because she didn't want to miss a moment of this.
He took her hand and slowly stood up to face her. "I love you. I should have told you that first. But I'll make up for that by saying it often. I love you. I love you."
Tula laughed a little, then harder when Nathan gurgled and laughed along with her. "I love you, too," she told Simon, her heart feeling as though it could pop out of her chest and fly around the room. "That's what I was coming to tell you. I love you, Simon."
"Marry me," he said quickly as if half-afraid she would change her mind. "Marry me. Be my wife and Nathan's mother. Be with me so neither of us ever has to be like your Lonely Bunny again."
"Yes, Simon," Tula said, moving into the circle of his arms. "Oh, yes."
As he stood in the bookstore, with his entire world held close to him, Simon listened to the cheers from the watching crowd. Staring down into Tula's blue eyes, he bent to kiss her and knew that like the Velveteen Rabbit she had told him about, it hurt to become real.