She couldn't avoid the simple truth any longer. She was in love with a man who was only in lust.
"This can't end well."
"That's the spirit," Anna cheered sarcastically.
Tula just looked at her friend and shook her head. "How you can expect me to be optimistic about this is beyond me. Anna, he doesn't love me."
"You don't know that."
A snort of laughter shot from her throat. "He hasn't said it. Hasn't shown any signs of admitting it. I think that's a good clue."
"All that means is that he's a man," Anna said, her gaze locked on the mural she was painting. "Sweetie, none of them ever want to admit to being in love. For some bizarre reason, the male brain deliberately will jump in the opposite direction the first time the word 'love' is used. They're just naturally skittish."
Tula laughed out loud. The baby on her hip enjoyed the sound and gurgled happily. She planted a quick kiss on his forehead before answering her friend.
"Simon? Skittish?" Shaking her head, she imagined the man in her mind and the idea of him being nervous about anything seemed even more ludicrous. "He's a force of nature, Anna. He sets down rules and expects everyone else to abide by them. And they do."
"You don't," she pointed out.
"No, but I'm different."
"He doesn't even expect you to do what he says, does he?"
"Not anymore," Tula assured her. "He knows better."
"Uh-huh." Anna maneuvered her paintbrush across the wall and still kept the conversation going. "So he's broken his own rule when it comes to you."
She thought about that for a second. "I suppose, but only because I made fun of his stupid schedule."
"How did he react?"
"He was all insulted," Tula told her with a laugh. Then she remembered. "But he started changing up his schedule. Coming home early, skipping meetings … "
"Hmm," Anna mused.
"That doesn't mean anything," Tula protested, but her mind was working.
"Only that Mr. I-have-a-schedule-set-in-stone is changing himself because of you."
"But-"
"Men don't do that if they don't care, Tula. Why would they?"
"No," Tula said, shaking her head, "you're wrong. Simon doesn't care about me. Beyond the obvious pluses about having me in his bed and here, taking care of Nathan."
"I don't know … "
"I do," Tula insisted, closing her mind to thoughts of Simon for a minute as she stared at the baby settled at her hip. She wasn't going to pretend everything was great. It wasn't. And it wasn't only the question of Simon's feelings that had her wrapped up so tightly.
Every day that passed she was that much closer to having to say goodbye to Nathan. She was going to lose the child that felt like her own. She was going to lose his father and the illusion of family she'd been living in for weeks. She was going to lose everything that mattered to her and that knowledge was tearing a hole in her heart.
"I'm going to have to leave soon, Anna. I'll have to walk away from Nathan and Simon. And the thought of it is just killing me."
Sitting back on her heels, Anna looked up at her. "Who are you and what have you done with Tula?"
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means that you are the world's biggest optimist," Anna told her, turning back to the mural she had been working on since the day before. "Even when you had no reason for it, you always maintained the upbeat attitude. Heck, Tula. Even your dad didn't rock your boat. If you wanted something, you went after it, no matter how many people tried to tell you it couldn't be done. So what's happening?"
Tula sat down, balancing Nathan in the circle of her crossed legs. "He did," she said, dropping a kiss onto the baby's head. "This little guy changed everything for me, Anna. I can't just go my own way anymore. Not when I have him to think about."
"Ah," her friend said, "so this isn't about Simon at all? You've been kidding yourself and me? You're just worried about Nathan, huh? Not pining away for the baby's father?"
Eyes narrowed, Tula warned, "No one likes a know-it-all."
"Oooh. Scored a point!" Smiling, Anna swept paint over the forest on the wall, wielding her paintbrush as expertly as a surgeon used his scalpel. "Come on, honey. This sudden case of the poor me's is about more than Nathan. More even than Simon. This is about you finally finding the place you want to be and thinking you have to leave it."
Tula cringed inside because Anna was exactly right.
"You found the home you've been looking for since you were a kid, sweetie." Anna looked at her, understanding and sympathy shining in her eyes. "You love Simon and Nathan both. But it's what they are to you together that's making this so hard. They're the family you always dreamed about. Your heart took them both in, made them yours and now you believe you have to let the dream die."
Nathan babbled and slapped playfully at Tula's hands on his legs. The scent of paint hung in the air despite the two opened windows. Anna's mural was almost complete. Once the woman got started on a painting, she was a whirlwind of activity. Tula looked at the realistic scene of a forest, with a flower-strewn meadow stretching out into the distance. And she smiled at Lonely Bunny, right up front, sitting under a tree and smiling out at the room.
From the house next door, the sound of wind chimes played like a distant symphony. As time passed in a lazy, unhurried way, Tula thought about what her friend had said and admitted silently that Anna was right. She did love Simon and Nathan both. She did love the family the three of them had become, however temporarily. She hated knowing that she was the one who didn't fit. The one who didn't belong. And knowing that she would have to walk away from what might have been was desolating.
"You're right," she finally said.
"The one time I wish I weren't," Anna told her.
"But what can I do? I can't stall Simon forever. He has a right to be his son's father. And I can't stay once I sign over custody."
"It's a problem," Anna agreed. "But there's always a solution. Somewhere."
Tula sighed. "You know, it was a lot easier on me when you were the one with man problems."
"I bet," Anna said on a laugh. "But it's your turn now, girl. The question is, what are you going to do about it?"
"What can I do?"
The last few days had been wonderful. And confusing. She had Nathan to care for and work of her own to accomplish during the day. But every night, she and Simon found each other. They shared taking care of Nathan, and once the baby was in bed it was their time.
The sex was incredible. It only got better each time they came together. But for Tula, it was bittersweet. She loved being with him-the problem was, she loved him. More than she had ever thought it possible to love someone. Every day here dragged her deeper and deeper into what was going to become a pit of despair one day soon.
Though even as she thought it, she realized that neither of them had so much as hinted about that situation lately. It might still be the eight-hundred-pound gorilla in the middle of the room, but if no one was talking about it, did it matter?
Nathan babbled happily and Tula sighed.
"Honey, if you want him, why don't you go for it?"
"Oh, I am," she assured her friend.
Laughing, Anna said, "I'm not talking about sex, Tula. I'm talking about love. I know you love Simon. Heck, I can see it. Chances are he can, too."
"Oh, God," she said with a groan. "I hope not."
"Why?" Anna turned to look at her. "Why should you hide what you feel? Didn't you tell me to go for what I wanted?"
"Yes, but-"
"If he doesn't love you back, that's different." She rubbed her nose and transferred a streak of green paint. "Although, I'm willing to bet he does love you. I mean, how could he not? What's not to love? Besides, I saw you two together yesterday and again this morning. The way he looks at you … "
"What?" Hope rose up in Tula's chest.