James didn’t budge. “I’m waiting.”
“Waiting?”
“For you to tell me more lies.”
Shit, was it that obvious? The more I thought about the impact my speech had had on James’s life, the worse I felt.
“I’m sorry you were hurt by what I did,” I said, genuinely remorseful this time. “I never meant for that to happen.”
I didn’t pepper my apology with lame excuses about the motivations behind sleeping with him or my wedding-day revelations. I’ve never understood why people think throwing in explanations will make what they’ve done any less awful. As if they should be forgiven simply because they had a reason for what they did. I had ended James’s happy future with the woman he loved and for that there was no excuse.
James turned around. “Forcing yourself on me won’t change my opinion of you or my decision.”
Hearing my defeat declared so unequivocally made me want to throw something at him. One of the heavy legal tomes would do for starters. “All I want is the chance to show you that I’ve changed and convince you to let me see Ryan.”
“After all these years you think you can—” He got control of himself with an effort but his look could have frozen a lava flow. “If you believe I’ll allow you to disrupt the life of my son, the child you happily signed away, you are mistaken.”
“There was nothing happy about it,” I retorted.
“You sold him because you care more about money than anything or anybody else. You don’t deserve a scintilla of Ryan’s time, or mine.”
A vivid image of a small backpack full of crisp fifty-pound notes reared its ugly head and I lowered my eyes. “Ryan shouldn’t have to suffer for my mistakes,” I said, pushing away truths I’d tried to bury deep.
James made a disgusted noise. “My son is not suffering for the lack of you. Don’t endeavour to advance your agenda by implying he wants for anything—certainly not for a mother’s love.”
Exasperation seeped into my voice in spite of my efforts to remain cool. “All I want is to spend some time with Ryan.”
“I’m not going to change my mind.”
I stuck my hands on my hips. “Then I guess we’ll be working together for a very long time, because I’m not giving up even if I have to wait until Ryan’s eighteen. Then I’ll be able to tell him you—”
“You gave him up. How do you think he’ll feel if I tell him that?”
Abandoned. Unloved. Unwanted, my mind whispered, but I drowned the words with anger. “Ryan won’t be happy to find out how you banned me from seeing him.”
James’s voice became quietly menacing. “Are you threatening me?”
I felt like stomping my foot but doing that at twenty-five was even more ridiculous than at eighteen. “No, I’m saying that I’m not going anywhere.”
“We’ll see,” he said, and picked up my CV. “You’re on probation and if I remember correctly you can’t handle work or responsibility.”
“We’ll see.”
Our arms crossed at the same time, battle lines drawn. We were enemies: signed, notarised and apostilled. I struggled with the idiotic urge to cry. I hadn’t expected James to feel any different and yet the fact that he despised me filled me with a disconcerting sadness.
Velma’s voice was a welcome distraction. “Knock knock, the meeting’s been brought forward.” Her smile faltered as she looked between us. “Is everything okay?”#p#分页标题#e#
“Ms Benítez had an accident with a picture frame. She won’t be going near anything else of mine or it might prove fatal,” James said, smiling.
I think Velma had a mini-orgasm.
She left and James picked up a folder. “Shall we proceed, Ms Benítez?”
Oh, for crap’s sake. “Are you going to insist on calling me that, James?”
“Is that not who you are?” he said, scanning my CV. “Ms Elizabeth Benítez, Brighton Technical College NVQ in Secretarial Studies and Administration...Universidad de Valencia Diploma en Estudios Secretariales.”
“I changed my surname but—”
“Then, Ms Benítez, please do not delay us.”
“Ready when you are... Scott-Thomas.”
“I’m glad we understand each other.”
The briefing was like one of Father Martin’s sermons without the hellfire and brimstone—boring, but necessary in order to understand my lowly place in the larger scheme of things. Greg and James outlined my duties and I listened attentively, just like a new employee should.