Marcia glared at me. “All you ever do is bitch about James’s snobbishness and prejudice, as if you’re any better yourself. You were ready to dislike him even before you met him. Don’t look at me like that, because I remember it well. You had it in for him because he was marrying Caroline and he was rich. Then you discovered you’d read him wrong but you still weren’t happy even though he’d rocked your world. And now that you’re back, you’re bent on finding fault with him. You’re not that screwed-up eighteen-year-old anymore but you’re just as prejudiced as she was.”
“I am not prejudiced against James,” I said hotly.
Liar! my mind shouted.
Marcia crossed her arms. “What you need to do is play nice, be humble and not piss James off. Not to mention that Caroline is going to hate you more than ever. Better to have stayed in Valencia for all your new plan will help you.”
“Running away was a mistake,” I said, punching my fist into my hand. “I shouldn’t have bowed to his lawyer’s threats and given Ryan up.”
“But you did,” Marcia said softly. “There’s no use trying to change the past.”
“Yeah, yeah, and hindsight is a bitch,” I said, springing up from the sofa. “Fuck the past. It’s the future I’m going to change.”
I grabbed my baseball cap and headed to the door. It would be light for a few hours yet. Plenty of time.
Her mouth hung open. “No way. You are not going back to Matham Manor. If James catches you...”
Marcia calls what I do “stalking,” whereas I think of it more as “observing discreetly while trying not to get caught.”
“I’ll be more careful this time,” I said. “No climbing trees and scaring the neighbours. Cross my heart.” I jammed the cap on and picked up my house keys. “Don’t wait up.”
“Fucking bonkers,” she said as I shut the door behind me.
Chapter Ten
Enemies: Signed, Notarised and Apostilled
“If I’m ever rich I’m going to invest in sugar because Kahlu’s magic really works,” I said, an ecstatic grin on my face.
Marcia snorted. “You’ll let me know when you do that, right? So I can have you committed.”
I laughed and wished her good luck at the lawyer’s office, then clasped the letter in my hand to my chest. It was the Monday after my interview and I’d come home to the crisp job offer from Flintfire & Associates detailing my basic working conditions: Monday to Friday, nine to five, some travel and a good salary. My new plan was taking shape and I was so happy even Marcia’s dour predictions couldn’t dampen my mood.
In the days that followed I convinced myself that seeing James again would be awkward but not paralysing. He’d hate being forced to work with me, of that I was sure. But knowing that he couldn’t fire me unless I did something outrageous calmed my apprehension, somewhat.#p#分页标题#e#
And the night before my first day at Flintfire I woke up in the midst of an erotic dream so powerful I had an orgasm, aching for a man I’d never truly had. Damn it, every time I thought I’d put that memory to rest it would come back to mock me.
I lay in bed, wide awake. My window was open and I could hear the faint sounds of police sirens and night buses. Was James wrapped around Caroline, making love to her or holding her as she slept? My gorge rose and I hit my pillow, frustrated at the direction of my thoughts.
It was a clear night but no stars shone above the thin layer of cloud; no lights flickered to brighten the darkness of memory. I didn’t want to remember my messed-up teenage feelings for James. I hated him. He’d taken Ryan from me and I would never forgive him. A useless tear trickled down my cheek. It didn’t matter that I’d never touched another drop of alcohol after Caroline’s wedding. How many times had I watched “Trash at the Bash” and seen the indisputable evidence of my negligence? The damage was done. When social services saw the video and looked over my history they treated me as if I were the druggie mum in Trainspotting.
James’s lawyer wrote letters demanding I sign over my parental rights, citing the video as evidence of my unsuitability as a parent. He wanted me out of Ryan’s life forever and I said no. But Francesca badgered me incessantly. She used every argument she had to convince me Ryan would be better off never knowing me. In the end, self-loathing and the belief that I was ill equipped for parenthood made me sign away my parental rights while I was still pregnant.
I wiped away another tear. As soon as Ryan was born I had regretted my decision. I’d had an emergency C-section and stayed in hospital for five days. During that time I’d realised I couldn’t give Ryan up no matter what I had signed. When Francesca came to take him she ignored my tears and didn’t acknowledge my hysterical pleas to talk to James. Without sparing me a glance she took Ryan out of my arms and told me that I was no longer entitled to call him my son. Inconsolable, I had fallen to the icy December pavement and watched Ryan disappear from my life, driven off by Bonaparte Muir of Barbados.