Or would it?
Truth.
Lies.
The solution to my problem was staring me in the face, tall, dark and shell-shocked. I didn’t think about James and I didn’t think about consequences. All I wanted was a way to make sure I wasn’t abandoned to my fate. My twitchy finger flicked a little button on the mic, making my voice boom so loud the entire hotel probably heard me.
“James,” I said, putting my hand on my stomach. “I’m three months pregnant and you’re the father. You were up and in my pussy so fast there was nothing between us, remember?”
The air in the banqueting hall thinned, sucked in by the gasps of over three hundred guests. Time seemed to stand still while James and I looked at each other. The shocked murmurs receded, the guests ceased to exist and it was just him and me. The moment stretched between us, charged with possibilities. His thoughts raced around like ricocheting bullets, one stronger than all others.#p#分页标题#e#
<<Why did you pretend you were Caroline?>>
<<Why did you kiss me in the bridal suite?>>
<<Answer me!>>
I hated moments like this. You have to expose yourself, lay your vulnerabilities on the line. Open up. I couldn’t do that, but James wanted an answer and he would come up and wrench one from me if I didn’t say something. I could see it in his eyes. I didn’t want to give him the petty, selfish reasons I’d deceived him or tell him how confused I felt. How much I regretted tricking him into bed and how I wished things were different. He would laugh in my face and that I couldn’t bear.
I squared my shoulders and lifted my chin. <<Why do you care if we screwed? It was just sex, right?>>
James blinked. <<Right.>>
He stared at me, posture rigid, and I had the certainty our conversation had taken a wrong turn, that it had somehow shot off course, but I couldn’t think of how to put the brakes on and take it back. I felt like crying and I hated myself for it. Gone from James’s face was the kindness from the bridal suite and in its place was revulsion; friendship had been substituted with enmity. There was nothing beautiful about me now, nothing worth his compassion or gentleness. His rage felt like a physical blow, as did his thoughts.
<<Deceitful bitch!>>
<<And you enjoyed every second!>>
There was no answer to that except a look that imprisoned me—a shackle, squeezing my mind, my throat and my heart. Harder. Tighter. Right up to the moment an impregnable shutter lowered over his eyes and I was released, left staring into empty green holes that told me nothing of his thoughts. Our mental connection was severed and I floundered.
Alone and bereft.
My heart jolted into free fall, the pain so sharp I clutched at my chest.
The other occupants in the room faded back in. They looked shocked and uncomfortable, like they’d paid for expensive theatre tickets and been ushered into a Jeremy Kyle studio instead. Caroline’s mouth was moving but I couldn’t hear her. Whatever James said to her, whatever she saw in his face convinced her that I was telling the truth. She let out a pitiful wail and disintegrated before my eyes, swaying like she was going to faint before falling to her knees in gut-wrenching sobs.
James reached for her but she pushed him away with an animalistic snarl. My mother and Francesca helped her up, holding her on either side as she stumbled out of the room. James followed behind.
The banqueting hall felt funereal, as if the guests were laying to rest Caroline’s happy dreams as they watched her sob her way from the room. My elation had drained away. I wanted to recapture it but it was no use. I felt like a monster, my ugliness exposed to the world and to myself.
I had destroyed James and Caroline’s happiness, twisted it into something as scarred and tainted as I was. And in the process I had made James my enemy and told the biggest lie of my life. I grasped my forehead.
What the fuck had I just done?
The microphone slipped from my fingers and the door burst open. My father got into my face, shouting and gesticulating. I flinched away, my tears turning him into a watery distortion that couldn’t reach me. His gibberish followed me into the hotel lobby.
Just before the doormen opened the elegant front doors he swung me around and shook me until I turned my blurry eyes up to his. He said something but it didn’t register because I was caught by the permanent, unequivocal message in his eyes.
<<Never come back.>>
I nodded and stumbled through the doors without knowing where I was going. I was shaking, choking on tears as I lurched into the night, leaving the devastation I had caused behind. It was pitch black and I was miles from anywhere but I kept walking. I didn’t dare look back because if I did, I thought I might be turned into a pillar of salt.#p#分页标题#e#