Hate to Love You(26)

It was too much. Three months of hoarding my secrets and living on tenterhooks merged with years of angry hurt.
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“How about not be there for me when I needed you most? When Manuel—”

My father took a menacing step towards me. “Don’t you dare repeat your filthy lies in my house.”

I managed to stifle my words. His temper would boil over if I wasn’t careful and then there would be no escape. But I was still angry. My parents would never believe me about Manuel because they didn’t want to, because if they did they’d have to acknowledge their own failings and that they would never do. To the end of their days they would sweep what had happened to me out the back door with all the other dirt.

“You are unbelievable,” Caroline said. “First we had your false accusations against poor Manuel, then the drama queen suicide attempt and the selfish running away to do God knows what. And when you came back we had a drug addict on our hands. But that wasn’t enough for you, was it? You had to get pregnant so we have something else to be ashamed about. Should we be on alert and hide the razors?”

I looked at my wrist reflexively, my vision so suffused in red I could still see the blood. “I slit my wrists because I wanted to die and that’s the truth,” I shouted. “Because nobody believed me. When I hitched that ride to London I was only fourteen, but nobody fucking cared or bothered to look for me. And as for what I did on the streets? Mainly beg and steal. Sleep in shop fronts and avoid rapists. You’d be surprised at how many psychos want to rape a homeless drunk. I might as well have stayed at home though, kept it all in the family and let Manuel—”

Bam! Pain exploded at the side of my face. My head snapped back and I staggered, both hands on my cheek. I guess I was lucky my father had backhanded me, even though his jagged ring had sliced into my skin. Had he used his fist my jaw would have been broken.

“I warned you,” he shouted.

He lifted his arm to do it again but didn’t advance. He was breathing hard, looking at me like he wanted to snap my neck. Nobody spoke or moved as he struggled for control. I stared at Caroline, tears of pain streaming down my face. Her pale skin was tinged with green. Now that she’d riled our parents she didn’t want to stick around to watch the fallout. She wanted to hide and not see how her words would make the pretty little world she inhabited downright wretched.

I saw my parents through a haze of desolation. How could I have ever thought they would be kind, that I could bring a baby into this family and repair the damage? Had they ever loved me? Maybe they had before my strange ability had freaked them out and Caroline had finished turning them against me. Before her lie had killed whatever love they had left.

“We have to deal with Paisley’s latest disgrace calmly,” Caroline said, her voice brisk and lawyerlike.

And just like that we sat and pretended to be civilised human beings and not shouting, fully paid-up members of the Dysfunctional Family Club. By mixing in circles my parents had never dreamed of, my sister had transcended the status of child and become their behaviour guru. It just goes to show how her fancy lawyer job and “old money” in-laws elevated her from saint to angel in John and María Benton’s eyes. I was grateful for her order to sit down though; my legs were shaking.

Caroline steepled her delicate hands, delivering her speech like a judge summarising in a court case. “I’m getting married tomorrow and we are going to have a wonderful day. Mum and Dad deserve to enjoy themselves, to see me marry the man I love and start a beautiful life with him. Nothing is going to ruin my wedding, not even you, Paisley.”

I couldn’t allow her to pronounce sentence on me.

“Mum,” I said, trying to keep the wobble from my voice. “I didn’t even realise what was going on until it was over.”#p#分页标题#e#

Caroline arched her delicate brows. “Oh, please. Soon you’ll be telling us you’re a pregnant virgin.”

My parents recoiled as though I was the serpent in their midst, and I couldn’t think of anything to say in my defence except that I was just as stupid as they were.

I wanted to shout at Caroline that I was a pregnant virgin but I couldn’t, not anymore. James had seen to that several times over and the joke was on me. My father cursed and grabbed the vodka. His Adam’s apple bobbed up and down as the liquid slid down his throat. Glug, glug, glug. It was torture to watch.

He banged the bottle on the table. “Answer the fucking question!”

“She can’t answer, Daddy, because she isn’t a virgin. Isn’t that right, Paisley?” Caroline said.