James opened the oven door and checked on whatever he was cooking.
I sniffed the air. “Kangaroo?”
“How did you guess?”
Francesca frowned. She got up and kissed James on the cheek, speaking in rapid Italian. I hate it when people do that. Deliberately speaking in a foreign tongue is rude, isn’t it? And Francesca gave me little looks while she did it, which I thought pushed it beyond rude and into obnoxious. Then she walked to the front door, paused, and waited for me. Well, that was just plain awkward.
“It’s late. Bonaparte can give you a ride home,” she said.
Right, no kangaroo for me tonight. I glanced at James. “May I use your bathroom?”
Even more awkward but a woman’s gotta do what a woman’s gotta do. My non-alcoholic binge was just as bladder-filling as the normal kind. I’d rushed out of the flat, spent all my time with Ryan and now I had to spend some time with myself. Mother and son watched me until I disappeared into James’s bedroom. I felt their eyes stuck to my back like pins to a cushion.
James’s bathroom was ultra-modern, tiled from floor to ceiling in sand-coloured marble. The Jacuzzi was enormous and the shower stall could fit all the tenants on Marcia’s floor. I washed my hands and smelled James’s aftershave, then I poured some on a wad of tissues and stuffed it into my handbag.
Pathetic Paisley, my mind sneered, and I flushed it down the toilet.
I ran my hands through my wild hair and took a deep breath. Francesca and James would never know how much it cost me to say my polite goodbyes. Well, Francesca wouldn’t, anyway. When I came out of the bedroom she was gone and James was leaning against the breakfast bar, his arms crossed. I wanted to walk up to him, lace his hands around my waist and feel his lips on mine.
I practically ran to the front door.
When I got there I turned around. “Call me if you need anything for Ryan, okay?”
James straightened. “You can take him out in a few days if he’s feeling better.”
“Great, that’s...great. Thanks. I’m waitressing tomorrow and the day after but maybe Tuesday? I could take him to the cinema or maybe we could go the zoo or—”
I cut myself off; stopped in mid-sentence because I’d seen the look on James’s face before. Seen it just before he kissed me at Casa Escondida and seen it when his body was hard against mine. It was lust and longing and frustration.
I dithered, indecision rooting me to the spot. I had a choice. I could leave or I could try to talk to him and hope that he talked to me in return.
I took a deep breath. “I hate myself for lying to you and—”
The oven timer buzzed loudly. Like a reprimand, it cut me off and broke the spell. James switched it off and when he turned around his face was neutral. Indifferent. He had turned himself off as easily as he’d turned off the timer.
I opened my mouth and James’s expression darkened. “I don’t want to hear it.”
“Well you’re going to,” I retorted. “I was eighteen and desperate. My parents were kicking me out and I was afraid of being on my own with a baby. Caroline taunted me. She revelled in my misery and I was full of hatred because she would have everything she wanted, including you.”#p#分页标题#e#
“So you decided I should pay for your misfortune!”
“No! I was drunk, not thinking straight, and the words popped out of my mouth. I was a scared, angry girl who did the wrong thing and paid a higher price than she ever imagined. A price I’ll continue to pay for the rest of my life.”
A muscle quivered in James’s cheek and he was silent so long I wondered if he’d heard me. What more could I say? I didn’t want to stop talking because he was finally listening. His face looked carved in granite and everything in his posture said he was reining himself in, but at least he hadn’t shoved me out of the flat.
“I’m overjoyed that Ryan really is your son,” I said. “You deserve to be his father in every way. And you are! Francesca gave me a copy of the DNA test.”
His voice cut across me like whiplash. “You think that wipes the slate clean? That planning never to tell me the truth should be forgotten? Coming back and convincing me you had changed, that you were honest and I could trust you knowing full well you had lied to me is acceptable?”
I stuck my hands on my hips. “No, but I think you should cut me some slack. I came clean even though I knew you would despise me.”
For a second I thought he would come towards me but he veered to Ryan’s doorway. “I’m going to check on Ryan.”
That was it? Nothing I had said made any difference? The anger I’d been incubating for the past few months became a full-blown outbreak.