Hate to Love You(105)

I took another swig of Ambar Green and twiddled the upper between my fingers. What did I ever do to deserve what had happened to me? Why me, goddamn it? Self-pity slithered into me like a python threatening to consume me whole.

“No fudging way.”

I turned on the light and stood in front of the long wall mirror, saluting truth and freedom with my fist. Before I knew it the upper was in my mouth, burning my tongue and making its way down my throat. I wretched and spat it out, falling to my knees.

I shook convulsively, hugging myself while my fraying self-control played Russian roulette with the rest of my life. The mirror showed a dishevelled woman dressed entirely in black, pale and hungry for one night of forgetfulness. Just a few hours of bliss because she deserved it after everything she’d suffered. She needed it to make it through another day.#p#分页标题#e#

My phone rang and my hand shook so badly I almost dropped it. It was Marcia, still on her shift.

“Ryan’s in A&E. Don’t panic but he’s been hit by a car. Dr Lewis is with him now and James—”

I crushed the upper under my boot on my way out.



When I got to the hospital Marcia was waiting.

“Minor injuries. Relax, okay?” she said in her no-nonsense nurse’s voice.

She pointed me towards the curtained alcove where Ryan lay, his leg in a cast. My heart did a little flip-flop and settled. He had road burn on his face and elbows and he looked pale.

“Pum! Look at my cast,” he said, wincing when he shifted position.

I checked him over as he told me how he’d rushed across the road to get his rugby ball. Small tremors ran through me as I imagined the worst, told myself it hadn’t happened and reached out to touch him and reassure myself he was alive.

James came back from his chat with the doctor and stood behind me. He looked serious but in control, making me wonder how many medical emergencies he’d dealt with while I’d stoked my grievances in Spain. How many sleepless nights had he spent nursing a fever or watching over Ryan during an illness. I bowed my head, ashamed at my past.

Ryan looked at his dad. “Am I in trouble?”

“How many times have I told you not to throw that ball around near the road? You’re lucky the car was going slowly,” James scolded. “We’re ready to go.”

I leaned down and kissed Ryan’s forehead, controlling the urge to hold him tight. “Not the best way to spend your first day being seven but I’m glad you’re okay.”

He gave me one of James’s long, penetrating looks. <<Are you my mother?>>

His eyes begged for truth and I stuttered for an answer. Much as I hated to renege on my agreement with James, much as I was jeopardizing future contact with Ryan, I couldn’t and wouldn’t lie to him.

<<Yes.>>

Ryan’s face changed, and if his expression wasn’t ecstatic at least it wasn’t hostile.

<<Can I still call you Pum?>>

I let out a strangled laugh-cry. <<Sure.>>

James looked between us.

<<I told him. I’m sorry.>>

He glanced at the door and I got up, ready to step outside so he could lay into me but he put up his hand.

<<I was going to tell him soon anyway.>>

I swallowed, too choked to speak.

“There’s leftover birthday cake,” Ryan said. “Do you want to come home with us and have some?”

James answered before I could think up an excuse. “She can come but only for a little while. You’re in the sin bin.”

“Thank you, James,” I gushed.

A small nod, and then he picked up Ryan’s coat and handed me his shoes so he could carry him out of A&E. We travelled to Matham Manor in silence, James driving a Mercedes with a dozing Ryan and myself in the back. Francesca met us at the door and made a point of sticking around while I helped James to get Ryan settled and into bed. I felt like telling her not to worry about me seducing her precious son with my working-class wiles, but of course I restrained myself.

Ryan took a strong pain-killer and I read to him from Beast Quest: Hecton the Body Snatcher until he fell asleep. After one last kiss I shut Ryan’s door and went to pick up my coat from the sofa. Francesca was sitting at the breakfast bar and James was at the cooker. His hair was wet so he must have just had a shower while I was with Ryan. He’d replaced his jeans and T with black trousers and a shirt that matched the shade of his eyes.#p#分页标题#e#

Was he expecting company? The small table to the side of the breakfast bar was set for two—no wine glasses. My pulse rocketed. Was James going to invite me to stay?

Of course not, I chided myself. It was a Saturday night so maybe he was planning to entertain one of his female friends. The smell of garlic and oregano made my stomach clench and I hoped it wouldn’t growl and embarrass me.