‘I never said that. There are thousands—millions, for all I know—of orphaned children in this world begging for a family to love them, and you won’t consider taking one of them in and building a family of your own because of Marat’s jealous attitude towards you.’
‘You do not know what you’re talking about.’
‘Then explain it to me.’
‘I don’t have to explain anything to you.’ He stared down at her. She gazed right back, her eyes full of hurt, but also full of a powerful anger. ‘I’ve explained this much because after everything we’ve been through over these past few days I thought I owed you an explanation. I can’t give a woman a baby and I will not be party to an adoption. Eventually, resentment rears its head and snap—’ he snapped his fingers for emphasis ‘—the end of the relationship follows along with the mourning for wasted years. I couldn’t give Yana the baby she wanted but in my arrogance I thought my love would be enough for her. It wasn’t. She turned into a shell of herself and I won’t—I can’t—do that to you too. I won’t watch the light in your eyes die.’
All the anger emanating from Emily’s pores dissipated. She tilted her head, shaking it slowly. ‘If Yana had loved you enough then you really would have been enough. Yes, I want children, but if I fell head over heels in love with someone who couldn’t have them I would cherish the relationship for what it could give me and not what it couldn’t.’
‘You mean you would do what you have always done and stifle your desires for someone else’s sake,’ he said, unable to keep the bitterness from his voice.
‘I feel sorry for you,’ she surprised him by saying. ‘Love isn’t a tick-box or a competition. I know I need to reclaim my life for myself but I will always be there for the people I love. I’ve let my father’s depression and the way it affects me take over my life, always feeling I wasn’t enough. I need to stop thinking like that and remember the good times with him, because when he’s well our relationship is great.
‘That’s what I meant about cherishing a relationship for what it could give me rather than what it could not. And if I loved you, Pascha Virshilas, I wouldn’t care about your sterility so long as you loved me back, and so long as I knew you would always be there for me.’
‘But that’s you all over, isn’t it, milaya moya? And it’s that life and passion you contain within yourself that lets me know I am right about this. I would not wish for all that life to die out. You deserve to have it all.’
‘But not with you,’ she finished for him softly.
‘No. Not with me. I can’t give you it all. All I can give you is unfulfilled dreams that will eventually eat into your soul and destroy you.’
‘Then I guess there’s nothing else for us to say,’ she said quietly. Reaching up, she pressed a chaste kiss to his cheek. ‘I hope one day you can look in the mirror and see a man who deserves to have it all too.’
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
EMILY HEARD THE front door open.
She took a sip of her lukewarm coffee and pushed her plate of half-eaten chicken pie to one side. She wasn’t hungry.
She’d hoped with all her heart that her father getting out of bed was the first step towards recovery. But her return had set him back.
She’d returned to the house late last night, so had waited until the morning to give him the good news about the money and relay everything else Pascha had said. There had been no reaction, not even when she’d told him his job was there for him to go back to if he wanted.
He’d spent the day in bed.
She’d spent the day making phone calls and waiting for James to get back from work. It wasn’t as if she had a job to go to. As she’d suspected, Hugo had fired her. The letter had sat on the sideboard waiting for her return. No severance pay. Nothing. She kept waiting for the devastation to hit her but, to her surprise, all she felt was relief.
It felt good to feel something. The only other emotion she felt at that moment wasn’t even an emotion. It was numbness. She felt empty, as if she’d been drained of all the things that made her human.
‘Hi, sis,’ James said, stepping into the kitchen and heading straight to the oven where his dinner was keeping warm. ‘Good trip away?’
‘It was very...productive.’ He didn’t know about her job situation. Not yet. He could wait a little longer.
‘Right. Well, I’ve rebooked my trip to Amsterdam and I’ll be leaving on Friday.’