"Well, I never suspected," Jay put in, sounding annoyed. "I hope you realise you've lost me ten quid."
"Er, how?"
"Olivia. First time she met you, she bet me a tenner you were gay."
"What? How the hell did she know?"
Jay grinned. "Because you're the only 'straight' bloke she's met-present company not excepted, and yeah, Dad, I'm looking at you-who can talk to her without spending half the time staring at her tits."
"James!"
"Sorry, Mum. Breasts." He gave Dad a sly look. "Bazoombas. Jugs. Melons. Air-bags. Baps-"
"James!"
Mum glared at the three of us, all helplessly giggling like schoolboys.
"Plus," Jay went on breathlessly, "remember that time she turned up when you were letting it all hang out at my place and she pretended you were going grey?"
"What?" She'd only been pretending? I didn't have grey pubes?
I was going to murder that woman.
Jay laughed. "Yeah, she said your face fell so fast she nearly dived to catch it. She reckons she's never yet had a straight bloke come in for the old intimate grooming."
"I have not had any intimate grooming!" I shouted, just as Olivia walked around the side of the house.
"If you ask me, more men should," she said, coolly walking up to Jay and giving him a kiss. "Maybe they wouldn't be so keen to insist their girlfriends get a Brazilian, then."
How had my big coming-out speech turned into a discussion on the merits of bikini waxing?
Oh, right. Jay. As usual.
"That's right, laugh at me," I groused, glaring at them both, and Olivia in particular. "When I think of all I've done for you-run your shop, done your books, fed your cat-at, I might add, considerable risk to life and limb-"
"Cat?" Jay said. He and Olivia turned to me with matching frowns. "What cat?"
I wondered what the penalty was for felicide and whether I'd be allowed to serve my sentence concurrently with the one I was about to incur for fratricide and whatever the Latin word was for killing your brother's girlfriend. "Never mind," I said with as much dignity as I could scrabble together, which wasn't much. "I've got a boyfriend to get back to."
I stalked off to the sound of a most un-Olivia-like squeal of triumph.
***
When I got back home, Matt was sitting on the sofa with Wolverine on his lap, purring gently. By which I mean Wolverine was doing the purring, although Matt was looking pretty content too. He-Matt, that is-looked up at my arrival and gave me a smile that made my heart start doing back-flips. "Did it go all right?"
I leaned against the doorframe. "Well, I was by turns confused, humiliated and treated to the sight of Jay and Dad bonding over women's breasts, and we've got to go round for lunch on Sunday-which if you'd rather break up with me than suffer through, I'd totally understand-but basically, yes, it went all right."
"Brilliant. Gerroff, you," he added, and with total-and, it turned out, justified-disregard for Wolverine's lethal claws, he tipped the interloping cat off his lap and stood.
I gave the wretched beast a look that said plainly I'll deal with you later.
He flicked his tail at me, cat-speak for Do I look like I'm bothered?
"I was thinking," Matt said, stretching. "Tomorrow's going to be a busy day at the shop. Maybe we ought to get an early night." There was a mischievous glint in his eyes.
I looked at my watch. It was half-past six in the afternoon.
I gave the worst impersonation of a yawn ever in the entire history of the world. "Good point," I said. "Got to keep our strength up and all that."
Matt nodded, mock-solemn. "Or something."
"Definitely or something."
"In fact, something's coming up right now."
"You're right, there. You. Me. Bed." I grabbed Matt by the hand and pulled him towards the stairs. "And Wolverine?" I threw over my shoulder. "You are not invited."
"Is he ever?" Matt asked with a laugh.
"Good point. We're locking the door. I'd like to see him get round that one without opposable thumbs."
"You know, there's a lot of things you can do with opposable thumbs … "
"Less talking, more doing," I said and kissed him.